Zane « Dating is Miserable

29Jun/108

6 Things I’ve Found Beyond Hilarious In The Last 48 Hours

1. Why There Are No Girls in SF called me a self-sabotaging silly Marina chick. (post has been archived on my site just in case)

2. FirstName LastName told me he feels he would get to know me better by following what I post on my social media sites. Here is what I think he would learn.
2a) I was in New Orleans for a few days
2b) I ate a lot while in New Orleans
2c) I had an interesting trip home from New Orleans.
2d) I hang out with my friend Donnelly a lot when cameras are around!
2e) I love stupid youtube videos.
2f) I say "dude" a lot.

3. My friend Jenny who sends me articles about being too picky with subject lines like "something for your blog to help out those of us who are still miserably dating (since you don't seem to have much inspiration anymore because you are so blissfully happy)"

4. Jane Lynch. Most recently in this video for a spoofed iPhone ad

5. The musings of Michael over at Food for the Thoughtless. We both did I Live Here: SF (me, Michael) with the ever fabulous Julie.

6. This shirt. Which Zane desperately needs.

Tagged as: Dating, FirstName LastName, Friends, Lol, Shameless Self Promotion, Television, WTF, Zane 8 Comments

2Jun/1011

PSA OF THE DAY: Zane has cooties.

Zane: come to nyc
me: I want to but the new boyfriend dude has "concerns" about you
I accidentally got drunk and told him our drinking stories
Zane: loooool
ahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahah
me: so FirstName LastName and I were talking about 4th of july
and I was all "last 4th of july was crazy"
blah blah blah "and then zane made out with tiffany's cousin THEN took Tiffany's other cousin home"
which then turned into "zane's birthday omg he was passed out in the gutter"
then I told him the Vegas story
and basically he's like WHY WOULD ANYONE BE FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY
and I'm all IT'S ZAAAAANE!
he's not that bad
Zane: looooool
me: and he's all o.-
basically he thinks you'll get me drunk and try to have sex with me
and I'm all EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Zane: ahahahahahhahahahah
no way
I get drunk and kick you out
me: duh
we don't do that!
it's gross
i think it's considered incest at this point
Zane: I feel like soon when I introduce myself to girls i'm going to have to add a disclaimer
hi I'm zane*
*note: Zane contains at least 17% whiskey per volume, is a total asshole, and has probably motorboated your friend
me: i find this disclaimer to be accurate and approved by the FDA
though women who are pregnant or nursing should not use

CatinCal

WTF ATT&?!? SERIOUSLY WTF?! Why are we returning to 1997? I hate you. http://bit.ly/djA3Ll

Tagged as: Dating, FirstName LastName, Friends, Lol, Tiffany, Zane 11 Comments

27Apr/1018

I Am An Unimportant Whore Undeserving of Love (AND YOU CAN TOO!)

Dear The Bartender At R Bar Who Was Working Last Night (4/26) Around 10:00 PM Whose Name I Believe is Chris:

This isn't the first time I've needed to thank you.

Remember that time I left my credit card at the bar after a night of spewing swear words and jumping off bar stools and telling crass jokes/stories all night? Remember how you gave me minimal shit the next day when I came back to pick up my card so I tipped you super extra?

Thanks for that.

Remember Zane's birthday a few years ago? I assure you Zane doesn't. Instead of throwing him out when he passed out in the bar or calling the cops when he literally passed out in the gutter directly outside of the bar you just tracked me down to make sure he got home okay.

Thanks for that.

Remember the time you thought you saw some guy slip something in my drink and you immediately poured me a fresh beer and had his ass quickly removed from the bar?

Thanks for that.

Remember last night? When a guy I was on the borderline of having real feelings for lamented at length about, basically, what a whore I am because during the few months we've been extremely casually seeing each other I've dated and slept with someone else. Remember how he told me repeatedly that no one would ever take me seriously because I write a stupid dating blog? Remember how he kept telling me he was just giving me 'feedback' despite the fact I was literally sobbing? Remember how devastated I was because someone I considered a friend basically looked at me and said 'I only hang out with you because the sex is decent even though I know I could do a lot beter.' ? Remember how you never let my glass of Fernet get completely empty? Remember how you quickly cleared my mountain of soggy tissues whenever the stack got embarrassingly large? Remember how when things got really intense you came over to break it up?

Seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are amazing.

Love,

Amanda

Tagged as: Bar, Breakups, Dating, Friends, San Francisco, Stupid Things Other People Have Done, Zane 18 Comments

26Apr/100

Mrs. Creepoftheyear

Zane: I've got 7 dates scheduled this week, i'm gonna start pulling increasingly ridiculous shit during them
me: WHO WOULD GO OUT WITH YOU?!?!
Zane: well they don't know they're going out with me
they're just going to be at bars and end up leaving their drinks unguarded
CREEPY ROOFIE JOKE ZING
me: you are a creep. I'm starting a "Don't Date Zane" blog.
Zane: btw the don't date zane blog is boring
you need to start one thats "come up with ridiculous shit for zane to do on a date"
cuz by thursday, im gonna completely not give a fuck
me: let me call every 5 minutes when you're out on a date, change your phone background to a photo of me and the neicelings, and wear a wedding ring.
Zane: oh fuck yes
maybe do that with the girl ive been banging for a few months now
me: and change my contact picture to something wholesome and sweet
and my name to "wife"
and just put your phone on the table
AND VIDEO THIS SHIT
Zane: I don't see how this plan is even capable of failing
me: dude seriously
PLEASE DO IT
Zane: you got it, wifey
me: best background image EVER here.
then change my contact picture to this:
DUDE YOU HAVE TO DO IT
Zane: this would work so well
ps never send me a photo without boobs and with children ever again
me:
Zane: k time to go out bowling with friends, don't call wifey I may not be able to answer. you know, cuz of the bowling. with all dudes. i'm not cheating on you.
me: LIES

Tagged as: Cheat, Cheating, Friends, Lulz, Weddings, Zane No Comments

19Apr/103

Sorry ’bout that.

From: Zane
To: Me
Date: Mon, Apr 19, 2010 at 10:01 AM
Subject: STOP KILLING EVERYONE

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/04/19/iranian-cleric-promiscuous-women-cause-quakes/

BEIRUT -- A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear revealing clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes.....

Tagged as: Lol, Sex, WTF, Zane 3 Comments

16Apr/1012

What’s in a name?

Zane just got this e-mail from a chick he went out on a date with a few weeks ago.

I never told you about your name.

Basically the story begins in 1971 when your parents had quadruplets. They were named Zachary, Adam, Nathan and Edward. By the time they were ten years old they were incredibly famous. Zachary built airplanes for a hobby -- not model planes, actual airplanes, like Cessnas etc. Adam was an opera singer whose angelic voice moved even the pope to tears. Nathan was an accomplished cartographer who'd mapped several unknown islands by the time he was in 4th grade. Edward amassed several million playing the stock market.

However one day when the quadruplets were ten they were touring eastern europe when their train broke down on a deserted place around the Romanian border late at night. There was a full moon. The train was attacked by a band of werewolves who killed and ate everyone on the train. The kids were thus tragically consumed.

Heartbroken, your parents decided to have just one child who would hopefully carry the torch of awesome and represent all the talents and skills of their lost quads. This baby: you. They thought about naming you Zachary Adam Nathan Edward Whatever-Your-Last-Name-Is, but settled on Zane instead.

Wanna hang out again sometime?

I can't decide if this is brilliant, insane, or perhaps she didn't meet the same Zane I know and love tolerate.

Tagged as: Internet Dating, Lol, WTF, Zane 12 Comments

30Mar/108

Odd middle of the night question.

I was facebook stalking a bunch of people tonight and came across a recent picture of The Rockstar that struck me as utterly fascinating.

See that jacket? That jacket was a Christmas gift from me almost 7 years ago.

I started looking around my apartment and realized outside of a dress I wore once in Vegas 5 years ago, my luggage, and a book I will never read again I own absolutely nothing from my exes. No pictures, no leftover shirts, no jewelry, no cards, no gifts. NOTHING. I think I've even deleted all the photos from my main computer.

Is that weird?

Tagged as: Exes, Question, The "Rock Star", Zane 8 Comments

3Mar/101

My friends are funny people.

Friend: I've never been asked out via GCHAT until today
wtf is our generation coming too???
me: weird. I have all the time

---------------------------------------------------------

*Editor's Note*: Actual domestic violence, rape, murder, sexism and racism are not funny....but jokes about them tend to be hilarious.

--------------------------------------------------

Friend: There is a very cute man next to me at this cafe wearing a pink striped shirt and working on a very small computer....cannot tell if he's straight or not.
me: Ask him where his shirt is from! Tell him you have to find a birthday present for your best friend and you think he'd really like the shirt.
Friend: You are a genius. Gonna give it a shot.
me: Seriously labels are the best way tot tell if a man is straight or gay.

-------------------------------

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Gay, Internet Dating, Zane 1 Comment

22Feb/107

Incest is best!!!

Zane: I'm not even fucking joking, my date just said she usually only dates guys who look like her brother. WHAT THE FUCK.
me: uhhhh dude I think your apt. is on fire or your dog died or there is an emergency. ABORT
Zane: Hahah already aborted
me: Way to go, Wire Hanger.
That's your new nickname btw.
Cause you aborted 'The Situation'.
Zane: Hahahah
me: Jersey Shore and abortion humor. I just leveled up in awesome.
Zane: TRUF

Tagged as: Dating, Lol, Television, Zane 7 Comments

18Feb/1012

Awkward.

I was reading Offbeat Bride today (don't judge me). One of the posts advocated conspicuously letting your man know you are ready to get married. I could do nothing but cringe and think of this conversation when I saw this music video some girl made to let her boyfriend know she was ready to get engaged.