This shit only happens to me.
My attempt at explaining part of the night via stick figure to an uninvolved friend
Last night my friend, Crystal, and I attended the 20 Something Blogger Tequila Tweet Up. What started off as just a margarita and some mild blogophere networking turned into the most surreal ridiculous night ever. I am beyond thrilled Crystal was there to witness a night of my ridiculous life as some of my stories are so unbelievable I have trouble believing them myself the next morning.
So, Crystal and I finally found the meet up in a busy tequila bar WAY downtown. Crystal and I had poured over the guestlist prior to the event to scope out people we wanted to meet and/or collaborate on stuff with. We met the organizer and after some time I finally had the balls to ask her about the authors of the blog we were most excited about, "So, are the two really hot sex blogger guys coming?". The organizer paused, laughed, and answered, "Oh you mean the guy I'm kinda seeing and his friend?"
Foot meet mouth.
No biggie. I do stuff like that daily. So, despite my bright red face, (Yes, I blush when embarrassed. After years of doing stupid things my embarrassment fuse is pretty long but when it happens oh man, Kool-Aid man face like whoa!) I quickly recovered.
**I would link to both the girlfriend's blog and the sex bloggers' blog, both are great reading material, but part of their shtick is appearing single**
Around this time I excused myself to the bathroom to compose myself. As I walked to the bathroom out of nowhere I heard a voice I prayed to every available deity I would never ever have to hear again. There sat "The Man" with a group of friends I wasn't familiar with.
I should point out I haven't seen even a picture of him since we broke up....well excluding the time I caught him canoodling with a really good, now ex, friend (her doing not mine!) in Walgreens right by my work. Finding out that way instead of being told is a b-i-t-c-h.
Anyway, seeing "The Man" wasn't that big of a deal, more annoying than anything else.
I returned to the section of the bar the meet up had taken over only to spot another friend!!!! I was most excited by the coincidental meeting. I don't believe he shared my sentiment. He introduced me to the woman he was with, who was there for the meet up, but seemed oddly tense and uncomfortable with the chance encounter so I went back to my table and he left without saying goodbye.
I should point out this guy also takes every available chance to tell me he's not attracted to me. I don't think I've ever shown any interest in him like that but his behavior confuses me. Maybe he wasn't being weird at all and it was in my head but, either way, I thought we were becoming moderately good friends so my feelings were mildly hurt.
So when I went back to my table a girl and I started to chat. She mentioned she was from Sacramento and as an Ex-Sacramentarian I felt compelled to dig further
"Actual Sacramento or outside?".
"Oh this small town. No one has heard of it"
"Well I'm from Rocklin, so try me."
"Holy crap! I'm Rocklin '01"
"Really?! I'm Rocklin '02"
The girl and I compared friends, events, etc to see if we had a strong friend link (we did) and there is a good chance she ran with the group of bitchy choir girls who made my life hell. I was incredibly awkward in high school. If you ever meet me in person I encourage you to ask me about my three most humiliating high school experiences. The stories are epic.
I finally hop on MUNI to meet up with some friends. The bus is surprisingly crowded so I have to stand. A few minutes into the ride a man taps me on the shoulder and offers me his seat. I protested a bit but he was so polite and I was wearing heels so I thanked him profusely and took the seat. Then he had the balls to ask, "So when are you due?"
Let's get a few things fucking straight here Bus Guy, yes, I am not super thin. I'm 5'5", like140 lbs and some change (I VERY RARELY weigh myself), I run like 4 times a week, I eat rather healthy, I will admit I'm not toned in any way shape or form BUT I am thin enough to put up a picture of my gut to prove that I DON'T ACTUALLY LOOK PREGNANT (please note how well Death Bruise is healing!). Also, Bus Guy, I'm 100% sure I'm not pregnant but thanks for inquiring.
The rest of the night held the same tone. I think I accidentally crashed a friend's date, my friends were 45 minutes late to the bar so I got to listen to two drunk buffoons babble over whether or not I was being stood up, and my feet hurt.
I woke up pretty defeated this morning but then looked at the bar stamp on my wrist and could only think of something my ex-fauxgirlfriend Tiffany told me, "I should be crying but it's just too damn funny".
I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party. The… party. With the… with the pants. Party with pants?
Ahh...Valentine's Day. I can't really say I've ever really been a big fan. Sure, back in elementary school when you were encouraged to get all pumped up on processed sugar and were required to give everyone in class a Valentine it wasn't so bad. As a romantic holiday......well...I just never could get behind it.
Take my first official "in a relationship" romantic Valentine's Day. High School Boyfriend #1 was beginning his transition from normal High School student to drop-out. Instead of getting showered with some kind of Valentine's Day love I got to repeatedly answer, "No, I have no idea why High School Boy #1 isn't in school today" about 500 times. When I did see him later in the day I discovered he ditched school so he could make a website devoted to our love..
Yeah.....
High School Boyfriend #2 told me I could either spend time with him or I could have a Valentine's Day present. When I opted for quality time he begged me to reconsider as "buying something is so much easier".
The Guatemalan repeated his "it's your birthday so I'm going to go to a strip club with my ex who I used to troll the internet for threesomes with" act.
The Rockstar fake proposed to me in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
The Abuser had the work pager which forced him to leave the table every 5-10 minutes (no exaggeration).
"The Man" and I broke up right before Valentine's Day.
The last 2 years I have actively pursued not doing anything romantic on Valentine's Day. Last year I watched Saw I and Saw II before entertaining myself with lots of booze and friends. This year I slept in, watched 3 hours of Nip Tuck, baked brownies, went to see The Wolfman with Keane, and knocked back a few with fabulous friends. To me it's just not worth all the hassle of being disappointed when men just can't do the holiday right anyway.
So I know I tend to bash men, specifically my exes, most of the time here. So I am giving my male readers a chance to not only prove me wrong but to also WIN FREE PANTS!
You may have seen the Dockers Men Without Pants commercial during the Super Bowl. It was all about men stepping up and wearing the pants. In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'm giving away 5 pairs of Dockers Soft Khakis in either a classic khaki color or a cool red (Note To Men: Get the simple khaki color).
This is how it works: prove that men ARE wearing the pants and chivalry is not dead - especially on Valentine's Day. Post a comment (and if possible a picture) to this post about what you or your guy did for Valentine's Day (past or for this year) and I will select my favorite 5 responses to win a free pair of Dockers.
You have to post by Noon on Friday (Feb 19) so get to it!
Happy Vermin Day!
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of moving into my apartment. It's the first time I've ever lived alone, signed a lease (SF is weird), and had one full year with no work or financial drama. While I realize at one point I said 2009 was a shite year, I have gained a little perspective though time and distance. I now realize in terms of personal growth it was quite a stellar year. This anniversary also coincides with the one year anniversary of "The Man" and I breaking up. It is also the first full 12 months I have not had an official boyfriend since I was 15. This realization didn't dawn on me until today.
I honestly feel like I deserve some kind of bizarre dating world merit badge. Let me set the record straight, it's not that I think I'm such a catch I can't possibly imagine how in the world I spent 12 straight months more or less alone. In fact, I have about 20 ex-dating partners who will testify to the contrary. I am, instead, fascinated at my new found "me" attitude. No matter how self-involved I sound, I assure you I am not. It's rather a stretch for me to be more focused on me than some boyfriend. What can I say? I'm a relationship girl.
Nothing makes you more aware of having to check the "single box" than a rapidly approaching Valentine's Day. Well, Valentine's Day and having a mouse scurry bravely next to your bed in broad daylight after your landlord cleans out the drug den next door and the nest moves into your apartment. I have never prayed harder to any available deity in my entire life for a boyfriend than when left to process my future as a do it yourself exterminator.
There are some tasks in life which are solely "boy jobs"
A more than fond farewell
2009 was a shite of a year.
As I list off all the things that happened this year I can't come up with too many significantly good things. 3 of the most emotionally detrimental break ups I've ever had (1, 2, 3) occurred. My friendships have been tested and failed more times than I care to count. Zane moved to New York. I've been on more crappy bizarre unbelievably bad dates (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) than anyone should have to endure. Most significantly, My grandmother passed away.
Not to say 2009 was a total waste of a year. My sister and her husband (and all their federally recognized bonin' for procreation) blessed my family with another nieceling. I reconnected with one of the most amazing friends and supportive people on the planet. I went to Paris for a month for work. I was lucky enough to not lose my job in these "tough economic times". I got a shout out from one of my idols. I finally went to New York. I'm in the best shape of my life with the help of Marathon Matt and the great friends (Hi Jenny!) I've made from the group (Thanks Tiffany!). While this year has had extreme ups and downs I have to say I'm happier than I've been in a long long long time.
As my friend Keane said, "Does life really change more from December 31 to January 1 than with the transition between any other two days in a year? Yes, it does. If you want it to". And I really do. I'm starting this year completely anew. I've scrubbed my apartment from floor to ceiling. Despite interest I am content being alone. My bills are all paid. I am starting 2010 a completely blank slate. No high hopes (except finishing the pilot I've been avoiding due to some intense writer's block). No lofty goals or aspirations (the most I can muster up is "read more"). No expectations, least of all a midnight kiss.
So 2009 I can't say I'm going to miss you very much. 2010 I welcome you in with excited anticipation.
FAQ #1
I get a surprisingly large amount of email from my readers asking random questions. I thought it would be somewhat amusing if every once in awhile I answered a few of them. I've also included some questions that relate to the most popular search terms used to find my site.
1. Do the people you date know about your blog?
Recently, since my blog has become a dominating figure in my life, I have to tell my dating partners about it. Jesus, that may have been the saddest thing I have ever typed. No wonder I'm single. Some read it. Some don't. It's a personal preference and I respect it.
2. Is anything off limits?
Unless something so incredibly ridiculous happens I really avoid specifics about my sex life. Anything someone I date asks me not to talk about is also kept confidential. I think I have a decent sense of what people are comfortable with me sharing.
3. Do you have any advice about dating a lawyer?
I've dated one law school student in addition to an actual lawyer. This does not make me an expert (Hi have you read the name of this blog?!?!). The only piece of advice I can really offer is "prepare yourself for being a background figure in their life". Now if you want advice about dating someone in the tech industry I'm your girl!
4. Will you read my dating profile and tell me what I'm saying or doing wrong?
No.
5. Do you want to go on a date?
Probably not but thank you for asking.
6. How do I know if this relationship is going anywhere?
If you have to ask the relationship isn't going anywhere.
7. Has anyone ever decided not to date you because of the blog?
Blog based rejection has not happened yet. I always keep in mind there is a first time for everything though. I'm sure it's bound to happen.
8. The picture in your About section is really sexy. Do you have any nudes?
Ew. No. Gross.
9. How many of your stories are fiction?
Absolutely none of them. Some of my stories are incredibly hard to believe but I usually have some kind of evidence to back up the most ridiculous ones.
10. How many readers do you have?
I receive about 300 - 500 unique IP addresses a day depending on the day.
Weekend Update
If I wasn't dated out and exhausted before, I am now.
Saturday
The Mayor and I went to brunch followed by The Exploratorium. It was a little weird to be there on another date since "The Man" and I had our first official date there. Just like our first date, The Mayor and I had a lot to talk about since he is so incredibly easy to be with. We had fun running around playing with stuff, getting into trouble, etc. I don't think he was very amused when I forced him to drink from the toilet water fountain. After I was exited the cab we shared home he jumped back out and said "HEY WAIT! It's our second date. I have to kiss you, right?". We shared a very cute innocent kiss. It was nice even if I didn't see fireworks.
Sunday
The Lawyer and I went to an A's game. He got the tickets from a partner at his firm. The seats were amazing as you can see from the picture. We sat in the sun and ate bad ball park food. With every date I like him more and more. The conversation gets easier. I find out how much we really do have in common. It's nice. After the game we went to see The Goods and he drove me home. During the drive we talked more about DiM because he did the smart thing and decided he didn't want to read it after all. I assured him, again, it wasn't that bad or graphic. I even divulged my entire last entry about him was actually more about my inability to deal with silence. He dropped me off with still no move being made.
I get the vibe he likes me (mostly from him saying "I like you") but for some weird reason have the jitters about him calling. He's gone next week for a birthday weekend in Las Vegas and I'm gone the following weekend for a weekend getaway with some friends in Tahoe so I'm not quite sure when I'll see him next.
After the game and movie with The Lawyer I went and saw a District 9 with The Mayor. The movie was great and The Mayor was wonderful as always. At this point in my weekend I was not just exhausted I was EXHAUSTED. My body language must have been saying something else entirely since upon reaching my front door post- Peter Jackson awesomeness The Mayor blurted out "So, what is this the 'you're a nice guy but I'm not interested' date?". I assured him it was not and laughed when he called himself neurotic.
The encounter with The Mayor got me thinking a lot. I've felt really jaded every since Brohammer ended things. I've always attempted to be optimistic about relationships and give the new people in my life the benefit of the doubt. After all, it's not their fault I tend to lean towards the shallow end of the gene pool when it comes to dating. While I like both The Mayor and The Lawyer I'm just really unsure about letting them into my life because I'm positive it's going to end up the exact same way the other 9389128 dates have.
I'm excited to start therapy on Friday.
Men cheat.
Today while talking to my friend Victoria, who has known me for over 6 years, about how stressed out dating makes me. She started to read me the riot act about how insecure I can get.
Amanda: that's what dudes I like do
they bang other people
and lie to me
seriously
ALL OF THEM
Victoria: what, ALL your boyfriends have cheated on you?
Amanda Eric #1 cheated on me with a girl in his dad's English class
Eric #2 cheated on me with a girl in his photography class
The Guatemalan cheated on me with his now wife
The "Rock Star" cheated on me with random fucking groupies
Chris slept with his friend's girlfriend
Eric slept with Michelle
"The Man" is the only one and even thenI had my suspicions about him still being into this girl back home. I believe she came out to vist him shortly after we broke up.
Victoria: your dudes fucking suck
Amanda: no shit
So if you ever wonder why I get so crazy sometime.... baggage.
I got a fever, and the only prescription is……babies?!?!?!
For some weird reason about half of the blog posts on my reader this morning were about babies, the "kids talk", or about someone being pregnant. In addition, I received 3 emails last night from various friends, all from different unrelated parts of my life, discussing conversations they recently had with their respective significant others in regards to their future and children. To top it all off, Brohammer and I had the "do you want kids?" talk the other day.
Seriously people, what is it with baby fever?
I should go on record and say that I have no idea whether I want kids or not. I love kids. I'm great with kids. I'm the first person to share videos of cute kids. I gush about how amazing my niece is all the time. I'm beside myself ecstatic for my second niece to be born in exactly 8 days. On the other hand, the thought of pregnancy with it's long list of issues ranging anywhere from "never getting my old body back" to postpartum psychosis scares the living crap out of me. It's never been the fear of responsibility that has gotten to me, though whenever I baby-sat my niece I'd rush into her room every 5 minutes to make sure she was still breathing during her naps so I couldn't imagine how I'd feel about my own kid. I'm also terrified of ending up like my mother (abusive, out of touch with reality, vindictive, selfish and malicious with my own children) .
So to sum it up: I think I want kids but I don't think I want to birth them. I'm also realistic, this feeling may change. I used to say I'd never get married but then "The Man" popped up and I was ready to get married and move to the 'burbs. Hell, I'm still ready to settle down...just not with "The Man".
The common theme in most of the baby stuff I read today was the partners didn't see eye to eye. Women assume most men don't want kids. Men assume most women do. I'm finding it is the exact opposite. So dear readers, oblige me by answering this poll
Growing up is for old pirates.
If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, "San Francisco has the worst case of Peter Pan Syndrome I have ever seen".
Good ol' Wikipedia defines Peter Pan Syndrome as "Puer Aeternus is Latin for eternal boy, used in mythology to designate a child-god who is forever young; psychologically it refers to an older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level, usually coupled with too great a dependence on the mother. The puer typically leads a provisional life, due to the fear of being caught in a situation from which it might not be possible to escape. He covets independence and freedom, chafes at boundaries and limits, and tends to find any restriction intolerable"
I just had the funniest conversation with a male friend who is also single and in the dating market that I thought I would share that covered the topic.
[Edited for length]
me: SF has the highest concentration of Peter Pan Syndrome I've ever seen
Friend: hahaha
I heard you mention that before.
me: When was the last time you heard any male between the ages of 25 and 40 who lives in SF talk about "settling down"
Friend: yesterday. [Friends] were talking about buying a place together.
sounds like settling down to me
me: yeah that doesn't count
1) isn't [male] over 40 and 2) I meant single men
Friend: wtf
no single man talks about settling down
here or anywhere else
me: lies
exit sf
I swear to god the last time I went to sac every dude I met was talking about buying a place, where he wanted to be in 5 years
which included marriage and starting a family
Friend: Where the fuck do you think I lived for the first 29 years of my life?
me: Krypton?
Friend: ...
yes
So what you're telling me is that your womb is talking to you.
me: not the womb
just the desire to no longer date
I don't ever want to birth children
but I think I want to adopt some day
Friend: I'm not a fan of dating either.
Though I'm now getting very good about summarizing my past through humorous anecdotes.
*rolls eyes*
me: seriously right?
I can't take the forced conversation
Friend: Ha.
I still think you disqualified [male] just to make your point.
me: hahaha isn't[male] over 40 though?
Friend: no
He's 33
me: huh alright then
OH WAIT
but [male] has been married before
Friend: ...
point being?
me: discredited :-p
Friend: you're hopeless
me: You are repeating what hundreds of men in San Francisco have been thinking for years
Friend: Even though I want a girlfriend, I'm probably the worst PPS-victim you've ever met.
Growing up is for old pirates.
me: I love you . seriously
Friend: Aw, shucks. Thanks babe. You're pretty damn groovy too.
About
- I live in San Francisco, go on bad dates, drink a lot, and spend too much time on the internet.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...or you can just e-mail me.
Try out this online dating site.
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