Practically a novella!
The last time we saw The Lawyer, he made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, had a kidney removed, tried to reconnect which was actually just a booty call, made me feel like a bad person, and disappeared from my life for good.
Or so I thought.
I woke up to this text this morning.
I have yet to respond and I'm unsure if I'm going to. I am beyond happy for him that his health is on the upswing but I'm completely confused as to why he decided to contact me about it.
MEN!
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FirstName LastName and I finally had it out over the weekend. We've been having some major tension lately about our communication and the way he speaks to me. I finally found an analogy that summed it up fairly well but unfortunately I could not convey it accurately while drunk to him so I guess I will share it here you guys:
One of the more interesting facts I learned from Producer Man is that the television show Friends was originally written to be entirely revolved around Monica instead of the ensemble cast we all know and love. You can find evidence in this by looking at the character dynamic. Ross is MONICA'S brother. Chandler and Joey live across the hall from MONICA. Rachel was MONICA'S friend in high school. Phoebe and MONICA used to be roommates.
Okay..that really has nothing to do with my analogy but I do think it's a fun fact.
My real point is this, Friends had a "tribe' mentality. The thing I loved most about the show, and identified with, is it seemed like no one was ever alone. There were constantly people around and no matter what bind you got yourself into there was always somewhere there to help you out.
Problem # 1 - FirstName LastName is a lone wolf.
You could also always tell whether or not romantic relationships were going to work out on Friends by how little disturbance there was in the force. Julie was never going to last because she caused a rift between Ross and Rachel. Ditto with Emily. Janis annoyed everyone and therefore was never going to be a long term person. David wasn't going to survive as it would have meant Phoebe going to Minsk. Even the Joey and Rachel plot was doomed to failure because so many people IN THE GROUP had a problem with it.
Yet, everyone loved Richard and I think, as an audience, everyone almost expected it to work out, Chandler and Monica made it as a couple because it caused the group the least amount of stress (ditto on Rachel and Ross), and Mike was always welcomed to the group so it was no surprise when he married Phoeobe.
Joey is just a man whore.
Problem # 2 - FirstName LastName causes disturbances in my tribe on a fairly regular basis.
Problem # 3 - (that is totally unrelated to Friends) We do not communicate on the same level. Ex: He said this weekend 'I need my space today' so I packed up my stuff and loaded it in the car assuming when we headed back to the city to run an errand I'd just go to my house. When he saw my bags he completely flipped and couldn't figure out why I was leaving. By 'I need my space today' he meant 'I'm going to probably go on a bike ride and visit a friend and then have dinner at my house later with you' not 'leave'.
So anyway, we yelled, screamed, and talked and I think things are on good path but we'll see. I think I need to spend more alone time with my tribe, I think he needs to develop more of a tribe of his own, I think I need to be more patient, and I think he needs to think about what he says before he says it.
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So after the serious talk and things being better, WE GOT A DOG!
He is a 10 month old pit bull, basenji, fox hound, terrier mix (aka mutt) and he is the sweetest dog on the planet. He officially becomes ours (well technically FirstName LastName's but WHATEVER) on Thursday after he has his little balls snipped off.
I also told FirstName LastName if he didn't clean up his act I'd send him in for the same procedure.
So our next step is a name. The rescue we got him through (which is AMAZING if you live in SF and are looking for a dog) named him Neo, which FirstName LastName and I both hate. We don't want too much confusion since he's already been through a few transitions lately so the best name we could come up with that kinda sounds like Neo is Ned.
I actually LOVE the name Ned. Ned is the Pie Maker on Pushing Daisies (one of my all time favorite shows) and Ned Flanders is one of the greatest Simpsons characters of all time but I'm not sure I'm set on the name yet.
Anyone have any good name ideas? Suggestions welcome!
6 Things I’ve Found Beyond Hilarious In The Last 48 Hours
1. Why There Are No Girls in SF called me a self-sabotaging silly Marina chick. (post has been archived on my site just in case)
2. FirstName LastName told me he feels he would get to know me better by following what I post on my social media sites. Here is what I think he would learn.
2a) I was in New Orleans for a few days
2b) I ate a lot while in New Orleans
2c) I had an interesting trip home from New Orleans.
2d) I hang out with my friend Donnelly a lot when cameras are around!
2e) I love stupid youtube videos.
2f) I say "dude" a lot.
3. My friend Jenny who sends me articles about being too picky with subject lines like "something for your blog to help out those of us who are still miserably dating (since you don't seem to have much inspiration anymore because you are so blissfully happy)"
4. Jane Lynch. Most recently in this video for a spoofed iPhone ad
5. The musings of Michael over at Food for the Thoughtless. We both did I Live Here: SF (me, Michael) with the ever fabulous Julie.
6. This shirt. Which Zane desperately needs.
Mystery Solved!
Last night, it finally dawned on me why I'm single.
I was re-watching the latest episode of Glee (best show ever!) and I could not stop crying because I identified with the character of Rachel Berry so much. That girl just can't seem to catch a break no matter how hard she tries. Men use her or ignore her. When she is upbeat or optimistic the doubt she faces from others makes her situation often appear insurmountable. It literally pains me to watch her be mistreated.
Then I watched the clip of Rachel singing Don't Rain on My Parade from the Sectionals episode and cried a lot more.
This reminded me of how I feel about Klaus from American Dad. First the CIA turns him into a fish so he can't win the fictitious 1986 Winter Olympics then The Smiths treat him like a lesser member of the family. Roger screws everything up but still gets included while Klaus gets told "Humans are talking!". It breaks my heart. Poor Klaus. Surprisingly enough, I do e-know someone who shares my sentiment.
Oh, did I mention yet I was drunk? A friend of my friend got dumped so the three of us went out to drink away the pain men so regularly inflict upon us. Well not my friend, she talked about how much she wanted to marry her current boyfriend while her friend screamed "HE BOUGHT ME A PUPPY AND I'LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN" and "I just want a little vaginal penetration and mental stimulation".
Don't we all, girl. Don't. We. All.
So there I sat, crying in front of the tv when an old friend requested me on facebook. I accepted the friend and began snooping through their profile. I soon discovered, for whatever reason, they were facebook friends with all of my exes pre-2005.
I am not ashamed to admit I internet stalked. I INTERNET STALKED HARD.
This somehow lead to me compiling pictures of all the girls these men cheated on me with and their current girlfriends. In my whiskey/fernet/vodka stupor I decided I was going to crack the code. What made these girls winners and me an outcast? The answer was surprisingly simple.
They all look like animals.
The girls either had bird nose, pig nose, resembled a skunk, or had fish face. I wish I could remember where I read men prefer women who have facial features resembling animals to prove my theory but alas, drinking has made me stupid and forgetful. Hell I'm sure this is even why people find Horsica Parker attractive.
Then again I kind of look like a rabbit. A rabbit with awesome bangs....and a perfect nose. I've literally been stopped 4 times by people wanting to take a picture of my nose to show their plastic surgeon. If I weren't me I would want to mate with me just on the off chance the demon spawn had this nose. It's a great nose and probably my best facial feature.
Oh so where was I? Oh I remember: in short, I'm single because I'm fucking ridiculous.
Handsome Men’s Club
If you ever want to know what one of my hot and heavy dreams looks like I encourage you to watch this video. If only I could have been the only fluffer on that set!
By the way this may be the funniest thing I've seen in awhile. Found via my amazing and attention seeking friend Bonnie who needed a blog shout out. ♥
Dating Advice of the Day: Reality TV Star (kinda) Edition
My friend Jeremy is a celebrity in my eyes. Why, you ask? Jeremy has been on reality television not once but TWICE. You may remember Jeremy from his single controversial appearance on Season 1 of Sorority Life (yes ladies he did his own driving stunts!!!!) captured here. More recently, Jeremy appeared on Season 2 of Tough Love. I have put together the clips of his first appearance. (If you can't see the video you don't have Quicktime!)
Of course, ladies, he's now taken (but not by the above anti semite!)
So Jeremy IMs me the other day while I was sulking over the fact my dating life is exactly like Easy (minus the somewhat "everyone-forgives-each-other-rainbows-kittens-puppies" ending).
Jeremy: I went to del taco, and for some reason wrote an entire dating tips column in my head in the span it took me to go there and back.
It had a nice question/answer format.
I should have just listened to the radio.
me: what did you have to say?
Jeremy: Oh, just a bunch of "tips" for how to date and a bunch of explanations for why bitches be single.
me: why are bitches single?
I know I'm bat shit insane
Jeremy: The former of which boils down to "relax, it aint like he murdered your cat", and the latter of which boils down to "because you're shallow and stubborn".
me: any other tips I can share with the world?
Jeremy: Yeah. If you've ever thought, for one millisecond, in your entire life "Wow, I don't know about that guy...I mean, I like wearing heels!" you don't ever get to bitch about dating. Ever. EVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
me: Dude I ♥ short guys. I think my last few boyfriends were my height.
Jeremy: Then you may complain.
me: thank you.
Anything else?
Jeremy: I was thinking about the eras of dating and some how it lead to an analogy between a woman's vagina and a coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond.
me: and that analogy is?
Jeremy: They're worth about the same.
NOTE: At the time the author wrote the above Jeremy was still in good graces. He is now a stupid mean jerkface per below
Just say no!
"You want me to go down on you, don't you? I don't usually do that because I don't want to get a disease from some dumb whore but I think we're at that point in our relationship where I have to. You're mad? Why? Ugh...you're just like every other 25 year old I've ever met!"
Ahhh..the phrase that lead me to officially declare 2010 a douchebaggery free year. I'm not sure what is going on in Dude Land but in the last six months I have witnessed more high level douchebaggery than ever before.
Take Boy 2 for example, things were going swimmingly, (casual, fun, low pressure) when out of the blue he disappears for 2 weeks. No calls, no texts, no visual confirmation of his existence, nor a reason as to his disappearance. I finally see him and he gets incredibly pissed off when I won't drunkenly make out with him in a bar full of our friends.
The guy who uttered the above perspective changing phrase was equally as bewildering as Boy 2. This comment was totally out of the blue and followed by another 2 minutes of "you know you want me", "well maybe if you weren't such a hard ass all the time", and "If I was nice to you I know you wouldn't be into it". After his self ego boosting session ended I quickly packed up my stuff, downed my beer, and bailed out but not before patting him on the ass twice and smugly saying, "I don't know what game you're trying to play but I am not interested".
Note to Women: Women of the world, I encourage you to take a stand against douchebaggery in 2010. Every time a guy pulls a bullshit stunt straight out of The Game I implore you to take a tip from Jennifer Lopez on Monday night's episode of How I Met Your Mother and say NO.
Filed Under: douchebaggery is the word of the day.
Hapiness is anyone and anything at all that’s loved by you. – Charlie Brown
I really should apologize to my readers. Lately, I've been lacking in glorious tales of psychotic dates and embarrassing blunders as I've started taking the Keane Li approach to life. I'm not dating. I'm not not dating. I'm just not dating. I'd like to chalk it up to being extremely busy with running, friends, work, and writing (which I've actually started back up again) but a lot of it has to do with just being fed up.
There are only so many douchebags, so many annoying regrettable exes who spout hypocritical ramblings after you publicly refer to him and his girlfriend by their "super villain" names, so many bad dates, so many cases of Peter Pan syndrome, and so many instances of unrequited love one can deal with before one either starts adopting cats, referring to themselves as being a "Carrie", or genuinely not caring.
I'm allergic to cats and I always preferred Coupling as my sexual themed television show.
So yes, I've turned down 4-5 date invitations, let a budding relationship fizzle slowly into the background, and ............well:
me: I literally am starving ALL the time.
today I've had:
a banana, soy yogurt, almonds, a cliff bar, some carrots, and a turkey sandwich
STARVING
seriously ...I'm so ready to go home so I can go running then eat dinner
this is why thin women are bitchy
they're hungry all the damn time
Friend: are you preggers?
me: F*** NO
you have to have sex to be pregnant 
If all my other reasons weren't enough I guess I could always just say I'm protecting my love of peanut butter.
Found at Starbelly
Sell Out.
I hate Hollywood.
That is a lie. I absolutely love Hollywood. I love movies, television, celebrity gossip, and fashion. I remember when Anna Nicole Smith died I was sicker than a dog but kept vigil via text with my friend Kerry over every little detail. What was in her system? Who was with her? Is Howard Stern (her lawyer not the shock jock) really the baby daddy?
What I love more than Hollywood is books. I read somewhere on average Americans read 3 - 6 books a year while 25% of the American population reads none. Since November I've fully read 14 and am currently reading 3. I love to read. When people ask me what I want as a gift I always tell them to buy me their favorite book. It has lead to some duds, some fantastic reads (Ex 1, 2, 3), and an added insight into the person who gifted it. I've also ended more than one first date after hearing "My favorite book? Oh I don't really read books" or "The last thing I read? Oh....uh....probably Catcher in the Rye in high school. It sucked."
One year at summer camp...
WARNING: Before I go any further I should preface this story by saying this is not a coming of age tale ending with probing musical instruments into blossoming orifices or learning how to french kiss from my top heavy bunkmate after a heated pillow fight with nothing on but Wonder Woman underoos.
One year at summer camp one of the counselors had "story hour". My fellow Counselors in Training and I would gather around during rest hour and listen as she read aloud from her favorite book, Youth in Revolt. As an awkward teenager I related to this book a little too much. Here was a kid as awkward and insecure as me just trying to be loved. In reality, Nick Twisp is really just trying to get laid but as Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character in 500 Days of Summer misunderstood the ending of The Graduate, I took away something that wasn't intended; Sometimes you have to make an ass out of yourself for love.
I have been waiting with bated breath ever since I heard Youth in Revolt was going to be made into a movie. Finally, the characters I had read over and over and over again were coming to life. The 15 year old me would finally be able to see a flesh and blood version of the character who seemed destined for her. Nick Twisp was goofy, loved Frank Sinatra, and never came out ahead despite his best intentions.
Then I heard they cast Michael Fucking Cera.
Due to poor casting decisions all around, excluding Jean Smart - she was the only correctly cast person in the entire movie, I skipped seeing the movie in theaters. Last night I [illegal activity redacted] Youth in Revolt off the internet and spent the next 90 minutes filled with pure rage. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STORY I LOVED SO MUCH!?!?!?
SPOILER ALERT:
Youth in Revolt the book is about a teenage boy, Nick Twisp, who meets the love of his life, Sheeni Saunders, while vacationing in Clearlake. Nick jumps through hoops, including burning down most of Berkeley, to attract Sheeni's attention.The book is filled with dysfunctional characters you either love to hate or hate to love and the adventures are so bizarre the book could only be a work of fiction or a story from my dating life.
The movie was a fucking coming of age bullshit relationship propaganda love story. Sure Nick still burns down half of Berkeley but almost everything else was completely unrecognizable from the original story.
-They cut almost all of the really funny supporting characters and their storylines.
- They made Sheeni lovable despite the fact in the book she's a raging bitch who does nothing but abuse Nick's unconditional love.
- They turned about 200 pages of Nick living his life as woman into a one line joke, "Maybe I could live my life as a woman named Carlotta".
- They even cut out the one scene (Page 100 where Lefty and Nick experiment with oral sex, during which Nick's mother interrupts and hurls cupcakes) where Michael Cera's awkwardness could have been put to use.
- They removed the fact to get Sheeni's love Nick had to burn down Berkeley, live as a woman for a month, become rich, knock her up, have major plastic surgery to hide his identity, and convince her he was an illegitimate love child of Jean- Paul Belmondo. In the movie version, all he had to do was "be himself" and she ended up realizing he was the man of her dreams.
Gag me.
THE REAL WORLD DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT. There are no exceptions. There are few acts that will make a person change their heart. Being yourself doesn't always work. Everything I gained from the original brilliant work was lost to 90 minutes of me wanting to stab Michael Cera in the face.
For shame C.D. Payne, FOR SHAME.
Incest is best!!!
Zane: I'm not even fucking joking, my date just said she usually only dates guys who look like her brother. WHAT THE FUCK.
me: uhhhh dude I think your apt. is on fire or your dog died or there is an emergency. ABORT
Zane: Hahah already aborted
me: Way to go, Wire Hanger.
That's your new nickname btw.
Cause you aborted 'The Situation'.
Zane: Hahahah
me: Jersey Shore and abortion humor. I just leveled up in awesome.
Zane: TRUF
And thirdly, the code is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules
One of the bizarre traits I inherited from the C Family Clan is an ability to sleep with the tv on. In fact, I sleep better with a bit of noise as opposed to complete silence. Last night as I was falling asleep and re-watching He's Just Not That Into You for the 2938180938th time I started thinking about this quote.
Random Guy: A girl will never sleep with you if she calls you "cuddly" or "dependable", if she pops a zit in front of you, if her name is Amber or Christine, if she takes a dump in your bathroom, or if she takes leftovers on dates one, two, or three. I know it's not scientific, but I'm just saying, you were warned.
I actually have a similar standard set of guidelines as well.
Note To Women: If a guy is named Adam, Eric, Chris(topher), or has only 4 letters in his name he is more than likely going to be a jerk. If a guy farts the first time he is over at your house he will treat you badly in the long run. If a guy doesn't pay for the first 2 dates he is only interested in sex. If a guy wants to stay at his house more than yours he more than likely has Peter Pan Syndrome.
Now if only I could learn to listen to my own advice.
About
- I live in San Francisco, go on bad dates, drink a lot, and spend too much time on the internet.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...or you can just e-mail me.
Try out this online dating site.
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