Anthropology
Mating rituals fascinate me.
Hippos create a sort of excrement fan with their tail and publicly shit themselves in front of their intended. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites they, literally, sword fight with their penises to decide who has to 'be the girl'. White-Fronted Parrots lock beaks in anticipation of coitus and then proceed to vomit back and forth into each other's mouthes. A female giraffe urinates into a male giraffe's mouth to determine whether or not they are compatible mates.
Current human dating rituals, especially in San Francisco, are as equally bizarre and disgusting. If you sleep with a person too soon you are an undateable skank but if you wait too long you're a prude. If you call too soon you're needy but if you wait you don't seem interested. It's all exhausting.
Take a buddy of mine that I hung out with last night, he's been out on a few dates with this girl (the last being on Saturday) who randomly texted him around 9 PM, while we were hanging out with his roommate.
"Hola [name]! R U still up?".
Now let me state I already do not approve of this girl, in this day and age of full keyboards on phones and unlimited text messages I find using abbreviations like R for are and U for you to be a completely unforgivable faux pas. I assure you 99% of my texts have the correct fully spelled out usage of their/there/they're and you're/your. The rest is either a horrible typo or I'm drunk.
Anyway, he responded within two minutes with
"Out with my roommate. At [bar]".
The girl did not respond for over 20 minutes. At this point my friend's roommate and I had pressured him into telling us everything about the girl and we realized she had violated quite a few modern dating etiquette rules.
1. The fake wallet grab.
It may be archaic but I really believe in the heterosexual dating situation the guy should pay for the first date. The girl should absolutely take her wallet out of her bag and/or offer to pay for some portion of the meal, drinks, etc even if she really has no intention of doing so.
Sidebar: In the event of a man paying for dinner the woman should suggest getting drinks and insist on paying for the first round as a thank you for dinner. It's just polite.
- My friend's girl had never even faked a wallet grab or offered to pay for a thing in the course of 3 dates.
2. Be affectionate
If you have been out with a person a few times and are interested in pursuing even a friendship I think it is important to show some level of affection. When Hot Dad jumped back about 6 feet when I attempted to hug him hello on our second date I was baffled and should have taken it as a sign. I think it is an easy indicator of your intentions.
- My friend's girl hasn't even tried to touch him in any way and immediately bolts when they say their goodbyes.
3. She has a myspace page.
- She calls herself a model and has a myspace page dedicated to it. Her pictures are mainly photos taken by a friend of her's who is a complete amateur. He labels most of his photos (of chicks in lingerie) 'iN dA rOoM'.
4. She has a tribal tramp stamp.
So anyway, my friend's roommate and I were in hysterics by the time she texted him back with
"I'm at [restaurant she works at]"
5. Don't booty call before you've had proper first time sex.
Sadly, this wasn't a booty call. She had actually done this to him before. Texted him late at night, invited him to her work, where he bought her drinks all night when she got off, and then they parted ways without so much as a playful knock on the chin.
Since my friend had no intention of leaving the 2 block radius we were in he texted her back,
"Cool. We're going to be in my hood tonight"
as a casual way of saying "I'm not leaving where I am but you are free to come out".
Of course she ceased all communication with him.
As I told him this morning via text
I hope we didn't give you too much shit last night. You know I love you and want you to be with someone who will treat you right. I have high standards for my [embarassing nickname]...even if I'm the lowest standard you have. Move that magnificent face on to the next victim.
And on the subject of mating rituals. There is one I will NEVER understand.
Fun with Porn – Vol 1
Most of you have heard the story. My boss's adult son (over 50 years old) downloaded a ton of porn on my work computer, including a video of him masturbating in my office chair. Thankfully he doesn't live in my boss's house but he is there quite often.
He is currently in town and I've spent the last few weeks cleaning up viruses from various porn sites. Today, after finding the hundredth round of gay porn ON HIS MOTHER'S COMPUTER, I decided to FINALLY tell him that if he looks at porn again I will tell his mother AND show her the in depth file I've been keeping of all the images and movies he's downloaded.
I then decided to have some MS Paint fun!
Ahhhh you can almost hear the cocoNUTS dropping from the tree.
If only he hadn't tried the iced tea. IT'S ALWAYS THE ICED TEA
A whole new meaning to doggy style
This one I have no reason for. It's horrible
Yogi Bear on chat roulette:
The Good, The Bad, and The Triumphant Return!
After 50 emails and texts letting me know OMG MY SITE IS DOWN, my site is back up. I always forget to set it to auto-renew once a year. I'm an idiot.
Anyway, FirstName LastName and I went away for a bit for his birthday. It was a bit of a rough trip since he wasn't feeling too hot and neglected to really give me the full details of how bad he was feeling until the end but , despite my best efforts of throwing him out of a plane, we both managed to survive. It was a relaxing trip of sitting by the pool and napping.
I need another one immediately.
Now I present to you The Good, The Bad, & The Funny.
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THE GOOD
My ex got fat!! This wouldn't be such a fantastic thing if he didn't constantly harp on me about how "unhealthy" I was (I didn't like to go to the gym and he went once a week or every other week or so)
me: I just love the fact all my exes used to call me fat. Almost every last of them has thought of me as fat. I'm the only one who has maintained a fairly normal weight. wtf is that about? SERIOUSLY
Friend: btw
you aren't fat, you're just big boned
me: I hate you so much
it's just @myb00bs
and my love of bacon
POLL: On a scale of Ghandi to Paris Hilton, how shallow am I for being happy an evil ex got fat?
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THE BAD
FirstName LastName and I are really struggling to communicate on the same level. We both express ourselves in completely different ways and interact with people on completely "not even on the same playing field" levels. I feel like we're in a bit of a struggle now.
For Example:
1) I ask him why he likes me and his response is "because I like spending time with you". To him I believe how much time he spends with someone is the biggest signifier of his feelings. To me all I hear is "I have no idea. I just have fun with you".
If he asked me the same question I'd say: "Because you're smart and caring and funny and different than I am but in a challenging exciting way and good looking and sweet and you think I'm funny."
2) We share google calendars. He saw I was going to Gold Club for their $5 lunch buffet with some friends and suddenly on his calendar is the Sugar Booty Pageant, which he is attending tonight. Even though he SWEARS his friend bought the tickets and he had no prior knowledge, I can't help but think it was some vindictive move....especially after I found out he thought the Gold Club was MALE strippers.
When I saw the Sugar Booty Pageant on his calendar I immediately was like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Two very different ways of communicating.
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THE FUNNY
Graphjam posted the below graph on 'Things To Say During Sex' yesterday. You must absolutely click to see all of it in its most pure genius form.
Dating Advice of the Day
me: ugh I think I'm dying
vic: i am dying of obvs throat cancer! 
my dying > your dying
me: i'm sorry you're dying
maybe you should stop giving so many blowjobs :/
vic: NO!
you dunno nothing
that's how you get them to put a ring on it
then you can stop
Sorry ’bout that.
From: Zane
To: Me
Date: Mon, Apr 19, 2010 at 10:01 AM
Subject: STOP KILLING EVERYONE
http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/04/19/iranian-cleric-promiscuous-women-cause-quakes/
BEIRUT -- A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear revealing clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes.....
*WHIRRRRR*
The actual sign outside of my sister's house.
A month ago. I started feeling the city pressure in addition to missing my sister and the niecelings more than the usual excruciating amount. I called my sister to let her know I was coming up for a visit the weekend of April 8th. She immediately called me back with plans for a Pure Romance Party, a birthday party she had to attend for a friend of the eldest nieceling, and ideas on how to coerce the cork rep her and my brother-in-law have been trying to set me up with into coming up for the weekend.
So much for my relaxing weekend.
Friday was a whirlwind of baking, cooking, and cleaning to get ready for my sister's Pure Romance Party. A Pure Romance Party is a tupperware partyesque women centric sex toy party.
It is also where I learned to be married you have to be a Marilyn Manson style freak in the bed.
Listen, I'll be the first to admit I'm pretty vanilla. Fetishes of any sort really really really freak me out (for some reason males with an Asian fetish give me goosebumps down to my core). I just don't like the idea of being dependent upon something to .......ummm.....excite you. Which is also why I don't own any sex toys. I attempted to explain my lack of an "interesting bedside drawer" to a friend recently and boiled it down to "Technology and gadgets take care of everything else in my life. This is the one area I like to do things the old fashioned way".
But you know I'd like my Blackberry as close as possible....just in case.
Anyway, I wasn't quite sure what to expect at a party with my married sister and about 25 of her closest stay-at-home mom housewife friends. The last Pure Romance Party my sister threw ended with tales of nipple flashings and epic hangovers so as the Single Girl in the City I was a little scared to be trapped in a room with Horny Hot Housewives.
Here is what I discovered:
1) My sister and every single married woman my sister knows gets super freaky. Toys, bondage, gels, books, etc. They have it all and they are not afraid to use it.
2) Do not open up any closet, box, or drawer in my sister's home out of fear a cornucopia of vibrating dildos will come high kicking out into the light.
3) Heat seeking vibrators are real and give me nightmares of zombie-like porn movies where I am being chased by heat seeking vibrators and have to hide out in Winter-time Russia to escape.
4) People lie when they say now that they're married they don't give head anymore.
5) Tequila is the devil.
I left the weekend feeling scarred, knowing way too much about my sister, and hungover. I also was left with the following philosophical question.
Is it "I am a freak therefore I am married" or "I am married therefore I am a freak"?
Either way, I have a feeling I'll be single for the rest of my life. I just can't deal with putting anything in my vag that requires a 30,000 mile power train warranty.
Jiffy Lube is just not my idea of a gynecologist.
The Great Lingerie Debate
My least favorite word on the planet is "the p word". No, not that p word. The p word some people use to describe women's underwear. That word literally makes me feel like I'm going to throw up as images of child molesters dance in my head.
This probably plays into my complete confusion regarding lingerie. I just don't get it as evident by my recent conversation with a friend who was planning a steamy night with her boyfriend.
Friend: OK!
i'm going to buy a silk romper
put a brisket in the oven
me: wtf is a romper?
Friend: OMG GIRL
hld pls for the sexiest easiest lingerie you've ever worn in yr life
me: umm I don't nor have I ever nor do I plan on ever buying lingerie #reasonswhyimsingle
Friend: WAT?
me: yeah i don't understand the concept of it
I mean I "get" the concept of it but I don't understand why you'd spend money to take something off
Friend: well you don't take it off immediately. unless you are a stripper. there is an art to it. some finesse is required.
me: yeah I'd just feel like an ass
Friend: well, i do a lot of shit that should make me feel like an ass. talking dirty. weird sex positions with legs bent backwards. etc
at some point i think i just decided to sack up
me: i'm still not sold.
Friend: it depends on the man. [Friend's Boyfriend] will appreciate some effort and some aesthetic shit because he is an [Astrological Sign] and whatnot. the brutes really do not care.
me: wait...now I have to scope out a man's astrological sign when deciding on underwear.
fuck, this shit is hard.
So......
[poll id="3"]
Filed Under: Boy Shorts Rule
SPOILER ALERT: Wait 3 dates or you’re an undateable skank
I wish I could remember why he said it or what the context of the conversation was but at one point in a recent conversation The Dude said, "You never date girls you sleep with on the first date!".
Here's the thing, all of my long(er) term relationships have started out as either one night stands (meaning I've known the guy for awhile and we were just friends then one night *TEQUILA*) or first dates that went really well and ended up in the bedroom. When I've waited and really gotten to know the person before becoming intimate it always blows up in my face (absolutely no pun intended, you perverts). The guy either has some weird fetish, cries during sex, is really horrible in bed, has intimacy issues, or we are 100% incompatible. All of which end up leading to a break up. You guys even agreed with me in saying sex matters in a relationship.
After hearing The Dude's opinion I decided to take to the ol' IM list again (1, 2) to ask my guy friends what they thought. I asked them 2 questions. 1) How many dates do you wait before trying to sleep with someone? and 2) If a girl sleeps with you on the first date does it negate all future potential romantic relationships with her?
Here is what they said
- 1a) 2 if I liked her. 5 if I wanted a long term thing with her
2a) Quite possibly. If a guy wants a romantic long term thing he would question why a girl would just do him so easily. All the girls I dated that either suggested sex or given it up on the first date ended up being just that.
- 1a) Anywhere from one to never but on average two. I'd say generally the stereotypical three-date rule seems to be pretty close to reality
2a) Not for me, no but there seems to be a balance just in general. first date sex seems more casual but it doesn't negate any romantic relationship
- 1a) 2-3
2a) Not necessarily - much depends on the circumstance, but does raise some flags. Though one has to be careful of not being hypocritical: "I don't date the sort of girls who sleep with me on the first date" - well if I did, I was the sort of guy who slept with a girl on the first date too.
- 1a) 0.2. I'm a one drink kind of guy.
- 1a) zero dates
2a) I wouldn't be sleeping with her if I didn't intend to have a more ... romantic relationship.. later. What's the point if there's nothing more later? Negate? No.
- 1a) Probably on the second date. If it got to the second date we thought "we didn't sleep together on the first date so you would see if i'd ask you out again, which would mean I'm a good guy, and therefore, yeah, you'd have sex with me."
- 1a) I don't know.. I've never set a number. You swear I have standards and/or self control.
2a) No, not at all. It's really situational but generally speaking, if it's happened on the first date, they usually haven't lasted not because of sleeping on the first date, but more because I didn't really know her well enough
before getting involved
- 1a) Depends if you wanna date or just hook up. First date if u just wanna hook up and not date otherwise a couple dates.
2a) Doesn't help cause you know you can hook up without dating her.
-1a) Obviously I treat every woman as the unique and individual flower that she is (tee hee) but I rarely ever go for it on a first date. Maybe second depending on the vibe. Otherwise third.
2a) Not necessarily. but I'm kinda old school. It might make me take her a little less seriously (but she can change my mind by being awesome) (in general. not in bed) (although....)
- 1a) Depends on their feedback. If they're super into me, probably 3.
2a) No but it most definitely sets the tone for the entire relationship. There's really not much of a base there.
Note To Men: I did ask the ladies and all of them basically said, "If I even go on a date before I sleep with them maybe like 3-5."
Dating Advice of the Day: Reality TV Star (kinda) Edition
My friend Jeremy is a celebrity in my eyes. Why, you ask? Jeremy has been on reality television not once but TWICE. You may remember Jeremy from his single controversial appearance on Season 1 of Sorority Life (yes ladies he did his own driving stunts!!!!) captured here. More recently, Jeremy appeared on Season 2 of Tough Love. I have put together the clips of his first appearance. (If you can't see the video you don't have Quicktime!)
Of course, ladies, he's now taken (but not by the above anti semite!)
So Jeremy IMs me the other day while I was sulking over the fact my dating life is exactly like Easy (minus the somewhat "everyone-forgives-each-other-rainbows-kittens-puppies" ending).
Jeremy: I went to del taco, and for some reason wrote an entire dating tips column in my head in the span it took me to go there and back.
It had a nice question/answer format.
I should have just listened to the radio.
me: what did you have to say?
Jeremy: Oh, just a bunch of "tips" for how to date and a bunch of explanations for why bitches be single.
me: why are bitches single?
I know I'm bat shit insane
Jeremy: The former of which boils down to "relax, it aint like he murdered your cat", and the latter of which boils down to "because you're shallow and stubborn".
me: any other tips I can share with the world?
Jeremy: Yeah. If you've ever thought, for one millisecond, in your entire life "Wow, I don't know about that guy...I mean, I like wearing heels!" you don't ever get to bitch about dating. Ever. EVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
me: Dude I ♥ short guys. I think my last few boyfriends were my height.
Jeremy: Then you may complain.
me: thank you.
Anything else?
Jeremy: I was thinking about the eras of dating and some how it lead to an analogy between a woman's vagina and a coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond.
me: and that analogy is?
Jeremy: They're worth about the same.
NOTE: At the time the author wrote the above Jeremy was still in good graces. He is now a stupid mean jerkface per below
Men are from Uranus.
Friday night I held an impromptu and very small girls' night at my house. Donnelly stayed over so we could leave on time for running and Jenny, my running BFF, joined us for a few hours of bitching, watching me bake, sparkling wine, and Chinese food.
When you get a group of women together inevitably they will talk about men. Outside of a few stellar twitter worthy gems (1, 2, 3, 4) and a total bizarre post that stemmed from a discussion on this post we did actually get into a worthwhile conversation about men. We realized most of the male-female confusion derives from two completely different sets of relationship definitions.
Observe.
Friend
Women: A person attached to another by feelings of platonic affection or personal regard.
Men: A term used when you are embarrassed to introduce the girl you are seeing to your friends, family, colleagues, etc.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: It will inevitably bring up the "What are we doing?" conversation (see below).
"Hanging Out"
Women: What one does with a platonic friend.
Men: A term used to define participating in activities with a girl in the hopes of having sex with little to no emotional attachment.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: One of my girlfriends was seeing this guy awhile back. Things started off really great: they shared some of the same interests, he called when he said he would, and, here is the clincher, he introduced her to his mother. Suddenly, he became really distant and said he wasn't looking for a relationship but hoped they could still hang out (man definition). My friend took his statement under the female definition and was utterly shocked when the next time they hung out (woman definition) he kissed her and invited her to stay the night.
Friends with Benefits
Women: A mutually beneficial sexual arrangement with a person with whom you are attached to by platonic feelings of affection or personal regard.
Men: A term used to allow men to treat a woman like a second class citizen yet still call her for sex when he's drunk
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: I have heard this from women over and over again, they are happy and not in love with the person they are having sex with BUT the guy is incredibly hostile and/or absent during non-bedroom time. The term "Friends with Benefits" starts with friend, gentlemen.
Note To Men: Most women can handle this type of relationship without falling in love with you as you aren't that great anyway. You don't need to put up an asshole barrier to make this type of arrangement work.
Dating
Women: A romantic relationship between the "banging" and "boyfriend/girlfriend" stage. It may or may not be monogamous.
Men: An excuse to lead on a ton of women.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: See The Brohammer Saga.
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Women: An emotionally mutually beneficial monogamous relationship.
Men: DEATH.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: See here
"What are we doing?"
Women: A question used to gauge the expectations of the other person in the relationship.
Men: A way for a woman to say she wants to be your girlfriend.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: I realize with this guy, my ever smooth and always put together drunken reaction was more of a "It's not that I want to go to the prom but it would be nice to be asked" kind of deal. I really wasn't fishing for some kind of Relationship (please note the capital R) I was simply gauging his expectations so I could set mine accordingly and decide whether or not I was interested in continuing anything with him.
Filed Under: retrospect
About
- I live in San Francisco, go on bad dates, drink a lot, and spend too much time on the internet.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...or you can just e-mail me.
Try out this online dating site.
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