Anthropology
Mating rituals fascinate me.
Hippos create a sort of excrement fan with their tail and publicly shit themselves in front of their intended. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites they, literally, sword fight with their penises to decide who has to 'be the girl'. White-Fronted Parrots lock beaks in anticipation of coitus and then proceed to vomit back and forth into each other's mouthes. A female giraffe urinates into a male giraffe's mouth to determine whether or not they are compatible mates.
Current human dating rituals, especially in San Francisco, are as equally bizarre and disgusting. If you sleep with a person too soon you are an undateable skank but if you wait too long you're a prude. If you call too soon you're needy but if you wait you don't seem interested. It's all exhausting.
Take a buddy of mine that I hung out with last night, he's been out on a few dates with this girl (the last being on Saturday) who randomly texted him around 9 PM, while we were hanging out with his roommate.
"Hola [name]! R U still up?".
Now let me state I already do not approve of this girl, in this day and age of full keyboards on phones and unlimited text messages I find using abbreviations like R for are and U for you to be a completely unforgivable faux pas. I assure you 99% of my texts have the correct fully spelled out usage of their/there/they're and you're/your. The rest is either a horrible typo or I'm drunk.
Anyway, he responded within two minutes with
"Out with my roommate. At [bar]".
The girl did not respond for over 20 minutes. At this point my friend's roommate and I had pressured him into telling us everything about the girl and we realized she had violated quite a few modern dating etiquette rules.
1. The fake wallet grab.
It may be archaic but I really believe in the heterosexual dating situation the guy should pay for the first date. The girl should absolutely take her wallet out of her bag and/or offer to pay for some portion of the meal, drinks, etc even if she really has no intention of doing so.
Sidebar: In the event of a man paying for dinner the woman should suggest getting drinks and insist on paying for the first round as a thank you for dinner. It's just polite.
- My friend's girl had never even faked a wallet grab or offered to pay for a thing in the course of 3 dates.
2. Be affectionate
If you have been out with a person a few times and are interested in pursuing even a friendship I think it is important to show some level of affection. When Hot Dad jumped back about 6 feet when I attempted to hug him hello on our second date I was baffled and should have taken it as a sign. I think it is an easy indicator of your intentions.
- My friend's girl hasn't even tried to touch him in any way and immediately bolts when they say their goodbyes.
3. She has a myspace page.
- She calls herself a model and has a myspace page dedicated to it. Her pictures are mainly photos taken by a friend of her's who is a complete amateur. He labels most of his photos (of chicks in lingerie) 'iN dA rOoM'.
4. She has a tribal tramp stamp.
So anyway, my friend's roommate and I were in hysterics by the time she texted him back with
"I'm at [restaurant she works at]"
5. Don't booty call before you've had proper first time sex.
Sadly, this wasn't a booty call. She had actually done this to him before. Texted him late at night, invited him to her work, where he bought her drinks all night when she got off, and then they parted ways without so much as a playful knock on the chin.
Since my friend had no intention of leaving the 2 block radius we were in he texted her back,
"Cool. We're going to be in my hood tonight"
as a casual way of saying "I'm not leaving where I am but you are free to come out".
Of course she ceased all communication with him.
As I told him this morning via text
I hope we didn't give you too much shit last night. You know I love you and want you to be with someone who will treat you right. I have high standards for my [embarassing nickname]...even if I'm the lowest standard you have. Move that magnificent face on to the next victim.
And on the subject of mating rituals. There is one I will NEVER understand.
Practically a novella!
The last time we saw The Lawyer, he made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, had a kidney removed, tried to reconnect which was actually just a booty call, made me feel like a bad person, and disappeared from my life for good.
Or so I thought.
I woke up to this text this morning.
I have yet to respond and I'm unsure if I'm going to. I am beyond happy for him that his health is on the upswing but I'm completely confused as to why he decided to contact me about it.
MEN!
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FirstName LastName and I finally had it out over the weekend. We've been having some major tension lately about our communication and the way he speaks to me. I finally found an analogy that summed it up fairly well but unfortunately I could not convey it accurately while drunk to him so I guess I will share it here you guys:
One of the more interesting facts I learned from Producer Man is that the television show Friends was originally written to be entirely revolved around Monica instead of the ensemble cast we all know and love. You can find evidence in this by looking at the character dynamic. Ross is MONICA'S brother. Chandler and Joey live across the hall from MONICA. Rachel was MONICA'S friend in high school. Phoebe and MONICA used to be roommates.
Okay..that really has nothing to do with my analogy but I do think it's a fun fact.
My real point is this, Friends had a "tribe' mentality. The thing I loved most about the show, and identified with, is it seemed like no one was ever alone. There were constantly people around and no matter what bind you got yourself into there was always somewhere there to help you out.
Problem # 1 - FirstName LastName is a lone wolf.
You could also always tell whether or not romantic relationships were going to work out on Friends by how little disturbance there was in the force. Julie was never going to last because she caused a rift between Ross and Rachel. Ditto with Emily. Janis annoyed everyone and therefore was never going to be a long term person. David wasn't going to survive as it would have meant Phoebe going to Minsk. Even the Joey and Rachel plot was doomed to failure because so many people IN THE GROUP had a problem with it.
Yet, everyone loved Richard and I think, as an audience, everyone almost expected it to work out, Chandler and Monica made it as a couple because it caused the group the least amount of stress (ditto on Rachel and Ross), and Mike was always welcomed to the group so it was no surprise when he married Phoeobe.
Joey is just a man whore.
Problem # 2 - FirstName LastName causes disturbances in my tribe on a fairly regular basis.
Problem # 3 - (that is totally unrelated to Friends) We do not communicate on the same level. Ex: He said this weekend 'I need my space today' so I packed up my stuff and loaded it in the car assuming when we headed back to the city to run an errand I'd just go to my house. When he saw my bags he completely flipped and couldn't figure out why I was leaving. By 'I need my space today' he meant 'I'm going to probably go on a bike ride and visit a friend and then have dinner at my house later with you' not 'leave'.
So anyway, we yelled, screamed, and talked and I think things are on good path but we'll see. I think I need to spend more alone time with my tribe, I think he needs to develop more of a tribe of his own, I think I need to be more patient, and I think he needs to think about what he says before he says it.
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So after the serious talk and things being better, WE GOT A DOG!
He is a 10 month old pit bull, basenji, fox hound, terrier mix (aka mutt) and he is the sweetest dog on the planet. He officially becomes ours (well technically FirstName LastName's but WHATEVER) on Thursday after he has his little balls snipped off.
I also told FirstName LastName if he didn't clean up his act I'd send him in for the same procedure.
So our next step is a name. The rescue we got him through (which is AMAZING if you live in SF and are looking for a dog) named him Neo, which FirstName LastName and I both hate. We don't want too much confusion since he's already been through a few transitions lately so the best name we could come up with that kinda sounds like Neo is Ned.
I actually LOVE the name Ned. Ned is the Pie Maker on Pushing Daisies (one of my all time favorite shows) and Ned Flanders is one of the greatest Simpsons characters of all time but I'm not sure I'm set on the name yet.
Anyone have any good name ideas? Suggestions welcome!
I Live Here: SF
I'm the newest face of I Live Here: SF today! Go check out what I wrote and many dorky pictures of me (taken by the fabulous Julie) walking around my neighborhood.
Moral Dilemma of the Day
"Boys are like buses. There are either none, or a bunch at once".
I am so fucked in the head sometimes. Douchey McDouche (as he has been dubbed by several friends) came over to talk last night. I realize this strongly goes against my No Douchebaggery 2010 campaign but I actually called him. While replaying the sobbing-inducing conversation over and over and over and over in my head I thought I may have struck upon the root of the issue so I called him to talk about things.
And I was right.
And now I'm stuck in this evil headspace of:
(click image to enlarge)
Because FirstName LastName gets back on Saturday and I feel like I can either say to Douchey McDouche, "fuck it I think we should try actually dating since we've already spent this much time together, I'm already emotionally vested and I actually think you're pretty amazing since you've let me in" or I can give FirstName LastName a shot because he is probably going to be really good for me.
Seriously dating both of them just isn't an option I (nor either one of them, I'm sure) am willing to consider.
All of this has me in a complete mindfuck because today's post was originally going to be:
I don't know, what do you guys think?
Wouldn’t it be great if the Xanax Fairy was real?
This weekend fucked me up mentally.
I was laying in bed late one night when my e-mail indicator went off on my Blackberry. I rolled over to see if it was work and felt figuratively bitch smacked in the face.
I had a comment approval request on DiM from Brohammer.
Considering the only interaction we've had since he ended things last year were two very businesslike transactions, I was floored he was reading my self absorbed writings on my pathetic dating life. Perhaps it was morbid curiosity, perhaps it was nostalgia, perhaps he put me on google reader and forgot I was the writer behind it, perhaps he reads it and mocks me with his new girlfriend, or maybe he gets off on being written about. Whatever it was/is, it rocked me in the style of the Scorpions.
Here is the kicker, when I received the e-mail I was not...um...exactly..uhh...alone. I rolled over, looked at the sleeping great smile with abs I want to hand wash all my clothes on, and immediately wanted to bolt out of the room screaming. I spent a good portion of the weekend trying to figure out exactly which chemical in my warped brain was so severely imbalanced to cause a fight or flight response. I was feeling pretty miserable, dejected, damaged, and lonely when my friend Donnelly sent me a really great article by Rachel Howard over at 7x7 which attempts to process the lack of commitment and wandering eye (two of Brohammer's biggest problems) so often associated with San Francisco.
"Hold on,” she said. “Two weeks ago this guy was a cad, and now you’re
smitten? Is it possible you go for commitment-phobic guys because you’re
actually terrified too?”
I thought about the interested men I had passed on, some just as attractive
and talented as Paul, with only one discernible flaw: They seemed genuinely
available. When I tried to picture having a relationship with one of them, it
freaked me out in a similar way to the squirming discomfort I had felt during
the three years I was married—a fear that I was stuck."
It finally all became clear. Since Brohammer I have purposefully set my sights on men who don't want commitment, won't be faithful, have Peter Pan syndrome, and/or will treat me bad because I'm absolutely terrified of being hurt again.
I dismissed The Mayor. I nitpicked the one issue I had with Boy 1 to death until the only option I saw was to let things fizzle. I've turned down dates with really nice guys because I didn't feel "a spark". I've subconsciously imploded on men I'm just casually seeing because I know it'll end things before I have to become emotionally vested. I've been making myself as standoffish and unemotional as I've been claiming all men in San Francisco are.
I wish I could say this realization sparked some great personality transformation or prompted a new plan of action but I'm only human. In reality, it only made me wish for the Xanax Fairy.
Okay, I'm not that vapid, the article did make me take a long hard look at what I've been doing wrong (remember I've never claimed to be perfect) but sadly outside of acknowledging my past mistakes the only thing I could think to do was take more of Rachel's advice:
SF singles are trapped in this loneliness together. The women approach men
as enemy combatants, and then wonder why they cower. The men sense the
women’s disdain, and then wonder why they have trouble committing.
We needed a cease-fire, and someone had to lay down arms first. Why not me?
Doesn’t this mean Sex And The City should have been like 5 seasons shorter?
My running BFF, Jenny, and I are up late having a minor bitch session. I just declared we should move out of San Francisco and arbitrarily picked Portland as our new home. In response she sent me the following list of Forbes Top 40 Best Cities For Singles.
Maybe I should move to New York!
That’s what friends are for
Last night I attended the Thread.Com: My Eligible Friends Mixer. Thread.com is a dating site which follows the theory the best way to meet people is through friends. Thread, using Facebook connect, makes it that much easier to find your common thread. It also plays right into my love of internet stalking.
True to the nature of the site, you had to be invited by a friend and my lovely friend Keane invited me. I was a little weary of attending a meat market type singles event but was put to ease when I realized how many people I knew and knew of.
Thread had the right idea about meeting friends of friends. Conversation was much easier when the icebreaker was something as easy as "who do you know?" which lead into "how funny, she's my running friend's friend's roommate" which lead into funny stories and events you both were at. Introductions were even easy as I saw a few men come up to our mutual friend(s) and make a cute little gesture and mouth the words "introduce me".
Thread kept the event light, flowing and fun with free drinks, a raffle, and ice breaker games.
Though I didn't make any real connections, as 1) I had somewhere to be at 8:00 PM, 2) I put off a "not interested" vibe by wearing my You're Not My Type t-shirt from Headline Shirts (though I did find out the translations are correct! I also found out I'm the only person who knows it says F*CK OFF in sign language). and 3) I realize how NOT into dating I am as I either want the whole boyfriend shebang or absolutely no emotions whatsoever (HELLO WALKING CONTRADICTION!). This middle ground casually dating bullshit is just that, bullshit, I still had a wonderful time and would recommend any of the events you can get an invite to.
Hapiness is anyone and anything at all that’s loved by you. – Charlie Brown
I really should apologize to my readers. Lately, I've been lacking in glorious tales of psychotic dates and embarrassing blunders as I've started taking the Keane Li approach to life. I'm not dating. I'm not not dating. I'm just not dating. I'd like to chalk it up to being extremely busy with running, friends, work, and writing (which I've actually started back up again) but a lot of it has to do with just being fed up.
There are only so many douchebags, so many annoying regrettable exes who spout hypocritical ramblings after you publicly refer to him and his girlfriend by their "super villain" names, so many bad dates, so many cases of Peter Pan syndrome, and so many instances of unrequited love one can deal with before one either starts adopting cats, referring to themselves as being a "Carrie", or genuinely not caring.
I'm allergic to cats and I always preferred Coupling as my sexual themed television show.
So yes, I've turned down 4-5 date invitations, let a budding relationship fizzle slowly into the background, and ............well:
me: I literally am starving ALL the time.
today I've had:
a banana, soy yogurt, almonds, a cliff bar, some carrots, and a turkey sandwich
STARVING
seriously ...I'm so ready to go home so I can go running then eat dinner
this is why thin women are bitchy
they're hungry all the damn time
Friend: are you preggers?
me: F*** NO
you have to have sex to be pregnant 
If all my other reasons weren't enough I guess I could always just say I'm protecting my love of peanut butter.
Found at Starbelly
Shiksas are for practice.
I have mentioned before how small San Francisco is. I had a conversation with a friend over the weekend that made my head spin just a little bit when I attempted to keep the storylines straight.
Friend: Hey, you know [Guy 626] right?
Me: Yeah. I actually went to drinks and dinner with him the other night. It was nice.
Friend: I told you about him, right?
Me: No
Friend: You know my brother's girlfriend, right? When her and my brother broke up for a little bit she met 626 off J-Date. I guess it never went anywhere mainly because 626 and my brother are in a similar social circle. Later we bumped into him and his roommate at a Jewish Singles Mixer . I got his roommate's phone number but we were never able to connect.
Me: Yeah and his roommate has a girlfriend now.
Friend: Oh I don't care.
Me: I know. Do you realize every woman in that story, excluding yourself, is named Amanda?
About
- I live in San Francisco, go on bad dates, drink a lot, and spend too much time on the internet.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...or you can just e-mail me.
Try out this online dating site.
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