Note To Women « Dating is Miserable

7Jul/103

I was probably doomed anyway.

My friend Cy posted on her tumblr a link to this article on The Daily Beast about the 15 Signs You'll Get Divorced.

1. If you're a woman who got married before the age of eighteen, your marriage faces a 48 percent likelihood of divorce within ten years.
Phew! I'm an old maid and now proud of it!

2. If you're a woman who wants a child—either a first child or an additional child—much more strongly than your spouse does, your marriage is more than twice as likely to end in divorce as the marriages of couples who agree on how much they do or don't want a child.
FirstName LastName and I are both pretty "maybe" about kids.

3. If you have two sons, you face a 36.9 percent likelihood of divorce, but if you have two daughters, the likelihood rises to 43.1 percent.
Okay so just one child. Got it.

(Note To Sister: YOU'RE SCREWED)

4. If you're a man with high basal testosterone, you're 43 percent more likely to get divorced than men with low testosterone levels.
Have FirstName LastName's testosterone levels checked - DONE
If too high start feeding him ridiculous amounts of soy. I don't give a crap how many people say men who eat a lot of soy don't have testosterone problems, I know 4, all who were vegetarians as children, who do!

5. If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, you are 22.7 percent more likely to divorce before that child turns eight years old than parents of a child without ADHD.
Explains my parents divorce. THANKS TO MY BROTHER! Woo Hoo, not my fault after all!

6. If you are currently married but have cohabited with a lover other than your current spouse, you are slightly more than twice as likely to divorce than someone who has never cohabited.
Crap.

7. If you didn't smile for photographs early in life, your marriage is five times more likely to end in divorce than if you smiled intensely in early photographs.
Ummmm, I think I'm okay - (1, 2, 3, 4)

8. If your child has died after the twentieth week of pregnancy, during labor, or soon after labor, you are 40 percent more likely to divorce than if you had not lost a child.
TBD.

9. If you're a woman who has recently been diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis, your marriage is six times more likely to end in divorce than if your husband had been diagnosed with those diseases instead.
'Cause men are shady bastards and can't deal when people get sick. **Fingers Crossed**

10. If you're a Caucasian woman and you're separated from your spouse, there's a 98 percent chance that you'll be divorced within six years of that separation; if you're a Hispanic woman, the likelihood is 80 percent; if you're an African-American woman, the likelihood is 72 percent.
Kill Whitey!

11. If you're a dancer or choreographer, you face a 43.05 percent likelihood of divorce, compared with mathematicians, who face a 19.15 percent likelihood, and animal trainers, who face a 22.5 percent likelihood.
Guess I'm going back to school to be a mathematician. 2 + 2 is still 4, right?

12. If you're a farmer or rancher, you face only a 7.63 percent likelihood of divorce, joined by other low-risk occupations such as nuclear engineers, who face a 7.29 percent likelihood, and optometrists, who face a mere 4.01 percent likelihood.
Fuck numbers! I am going to become a cow optometrist!

13. If either you or your spouse have suffered a brain injury, your marriage faces a 17 percent chance of ending in divorce.
Does spinal meningitis here?

14. If you're an African-American woman, your first marriage has a 47 percent likelihood of ending in divorce within ten years; for Hispanic women, the likelihood is 34 percent; for Caucasian women, it's 32 percent; for Asian women, it's 20 percent.
Hrmph.

15. If you're a woman serving actively in the military, your marriage is 250 percent more likely to end in divorce than that of a man serving actively in the military.
Thankfully, that will never be a problem. Also, men suck. They don't stick around when things get tough!

Tagged as: Advice, FAIL, Family, FirstName LastName, Note To Me, Note To Men, Note To Women, Weddings, Work 3 Comments

8Apr/105

Girls Who Are Boys Who Like Boys To Be Girls Who Do Boys Like They’re Girls Who Do Girls Like They’re Boys.

I lol'ed....because it's true.

Tagged as: Lol, Note To Men, Note To Women 5 Comments

31Mar/1015

SPOILER ALERT: Wait 3 dates or you’re an undateable skank

I wish I could remember why he said it or what the context of the conversation was but at one point in a recent conversation The Dude said, "You never date girls you sleep with on the first date!".

Here's the thing, all of my long(er) term relationships have started out as either one night stands (meaning I've known the guy for awhile and we were just friends then one night *TEQUILA*) or first dates that went really well and ended up in the bedroom. When I've waited and really gotten to know the person before becoming intimate it always blows up in my face (absolutely no pun intended, you perverts). The guy either has some weird fetish, cries during sex, is really horrible in bed, has intimacy issues, or we are 100% incompatible. All of which end up leading to a break up. You guys even agreed with me in saying sex matters in a relationship.

After hearing The Dude's opinion I decided to take to the ol' IM list again (1, 2) to ask my guy friends what they thought. I asked them 2 questions. 1) How many dates do you wait before trying to sleep with someone? and 2) If a girl sleeps with you on the first date does it negate all future potential romantic relationships with her?

Here is what they said

- 1a) 2 if I liked her. 5 if I wanted a long term thing with her
2a) Quite possibly. If a guy wants a romantic long term thing he would question why a girl would just do him so easily. All the girls I dated that either suggested sex or given it up on the first date ended up being just that.

- 1a) Anywhere from one to never but on average two. I'd say generally the stereotypical three-date rule seems to be pretty close to reality
2a) Not for me, no but there seems to be a balance just in general. first date sex seems more casual but it doesn't negate any romantic relationship

- 1a) 2-3
2a) Not necessarily - much depends on the circumstance, but does raise some flags. Though one has to be careful of not being hypocritical: "I don't date the sort of girls who sleep with me on the first date" - well if I did, I was the sort of guy who slept with a girl on the first date too.

- 1a) 0.2. I'm a one drink kind of guy.

- 1a) zero dates
2a) I wouldn't be sleeping with her if I didn't intend to have a more ... romantic relationship.. later. What's the point if there's nothing more later? Negate? No.

- 1a) Probably on the second date. If it got to the second date we thought "we didn't sleep together on the first date so you would see if i'd ask you out again, which would mean I'm a good guy, and therefore, yeah, you'd have sex with me."

- 1a) I don't know.. I've never set a number. You swear I have standards and/or self control.
2a) No, not at all. It's really situational but generally speaking, if it's happened on the first date, they usually haven't lasted not because of sleeping on the first date, but more because I didn't really know her well enough
before getting involved

- 1a) Depends if you wanna date or just hook up. First date if u just wanna hook up and not date otherwise a couple dates.
2a) Doesn't help cause you know you can hook up without dating her.

-1a) Obviously I treat every woman as the unique and individual flower that she is (tee hee) but I rarely ever go for it on a first date. Maybe second depending on the vibe. Otherwise third.
2a) Not necessarily. but I'm kinda old school. It might make me take her a little less seriously (but she can change my mind by being awesome) (in general. not in bed) (although....)

- 1a) Depends on their feedback. If they're super into me, probably 3.
2a) No but it most definitely sets the tone for the entire relationship. There's really not much of a base there.

Note To Men: I did ask the ladies and all of them basically said, "If I even go on a date before I sleep with them maybe like 3-5."

Tagged as: Advice, Dating, Friends, Note To Men, Note To Women, Sex, The Dude 15 Comments

29Mar/1012

Neil Strauss’s reparation to me in the form of vodka.

Neil Strauss has been ruining my life since I was 15.

In high school I borrowed The Long Hard Road Out of Hell from a friend to read during Silent Reading in English a few mere weeks before the Columbine shootings. Shortly after Columbine the same friend was expelled for having a "Hit List" posted on his website and every school authority figure began scrutinizing the wardrobe, reading material, music selections, and piercings of the student body. My reading selection, and most importantly its origin, was not approved and I narrowly escaped suspension.

3 years ago on a flight to Las Vegas I was reading How To Make Love Like A Porn Star. I was so engrossed in the book I failed to realize on the opposite page was a rather lurid nude photo of Jenna Jameson. The nice older (late 60's or early 70's) woman sitting to my right was not amused. I was so incredibly mortified when she lectured me on the way a proper lady should act and demanded I put the book away.

Around the same time as the Vegas flight I was reading The Dirt and found I literally couldn't take the book out in public because every single man I encountered would stop me to ask about it. This would have been amazing had I been single at the time. Note To Women: That book is a dude magnet.

And you don't even want to get me started on what The Game has done to men and dating.

So when my friend Chris forwarded me the following e-mail with a note saying "We should send something in" I was most interested in the slight chance of meeting the man, and his minions, who had caused me so much trouble.

As you know Style has been traveling the world working on a new book. But in a few days he'll be back in L.A. and ready to party like there is no tomorrow for the Stylelife Anniversary.

This Saturday March 27 Style will be hosting the official Stylelife Anniversary party at the hottest club in Hollywood, and he's offering you a spot on the VIP list. The club which is always packed is giving us a small limited number of free spots to give out to friends. So if you want to be on that exclusive list here's the checklist of what you need to do:

a. Be absolutely certain you're free this Saturday night...don't put your name down and then not be able to show.

b. You must be accompanied by a female friend or date this is, after all, a hot club, not a seduction lair meeting. If you don't have a date right now, then stop reading and go sarge one!

c. Finally, if you can meet the two conditions above,send us an email right now to with the headline: STYLELIFE ANNIVERSARY PARTY. Along with your request, include your full name. And just for fun in the body of your email in 100 words or less tell us what you would get Stylelife for its birthday?

Your friend,
The Sneak

So Chris and I sent in our answer (For Stylelife's birthday I would get it a fine suit, a well mixed cocktail, and a blow job from the coat check girl and and her sister, but you know... only if she's hot.) and we were both very intrigued and surprised to receive:

Amanda & Christopher,

Loved the response. You guys are in!

We will be meeting up at Neil's house @ 8:30pm PST tomorrow night (Sat. March 27).

From there we will be headed out to a club in West Hollywood called Trousdale.

There is very limited space on the guest list so please only bring yourselves.

Congrats, I look forward to meeting you.

If you have any trouble finding the place you can phone me on my cell.

-XXXXXX, Stylelife Marketing Director

Now before this Chris and I had only been half serious about going, but the opportunity to go to Neil Strauss's house was something we couldn't pass up. Cue last minute rental car acquiring and getting 3/4 of the way to Los Angeles before realizing we didn't have a hotel.

Now here is the part you've been waiting for. Here is the part where I tell you the house was some PR stunt rental and there were hundreds of people vying for Neil's attention. The part where I graphically depict all the cavorting strippers and porn stars doing lines of blow off one another. The part where I tell you I felt like I had been lead into some kind of sex lair and disgusting sleazy slimeball men hit on me all night.

Except none of that happened.

Chris and I arrived at Neil's modest yet still impressive home and were quickly ushered in to the 20-ish person party by the Marketing Director and introduced to Neil. Neil was completely warm, mixed us a drink himself, introduced us to the crowd (primarily consisting of his friends and employees), and showed us around his house (including his framed hate mail from Phil Collins!).

Neil was surprising. Sure I had seen him do interviews where he comes across as nice, funny, and mild mannered but I assumed the man who wrote The Game had an inner evil so black and predatory it would run you over in person. Neil's girlfriend was an even bigger surprise. I assumed she'd be hot, young, and vapid. The first two were incredibly true but the latter was not. She was just as warm and friendly as Neil came across and she makes amazing beef jerky.

That's not a euphemism for anything.

Neil and his girlfriend had made beef jerky for everyone and at one point his girlfriend practically force fed me a chocolate tortilla chip. The party, Neil, and his "entourage" were nothing like I expected. I also think there were only 2 other "couples" there who didn't know Neil before that night. Small. Intimate. Completely lacking in douchebaggery.

Even moving to the club surprised me. I fully expected to get to the club, say a quick hello to the group, Chris and I would grab a drink while they all hung out, and we'd head home but au contraire! We swung by the table to say hi and Neil immediately threw out an "Amanda, sit!!! Meet my friend Jessica!" (who was a an absolute delight) and Chris and I hung out with them until I had drank way too much

Sidebar: After drinking too much and hearing Tik Tok approximately 20 times on the drive down to LA, there is now video of me, that will never see the light of day, asking Chris if he knows what Cheerios are made of and then answering with "Whoa-oh-oh-ohs". Almost as good as when Zane sent me a text saying "Found a great burger joint in NYC but it was ruined when they started playing Lady Gaga" and I responded with "Didn't you order your burger RAW RAW RAW RAW RAW??".

Also, can someone explain to me why EVERY STRAIGHT MAN I KNOW TURNS JUST A TAD GAY WHEN THEY HEAR TIK TOK!?!? Seriously Chris, The Dude, and about 4 other male friends of mine start busting out the most righteous dance moves when they hear that song. It is a mystery of modern science!

ANYWAY, Chris and I hung out with them until I had drank way too much, everyone else was making out with their significant others, and Chris looked exhausted.

That's it. End of Story. It was a fantastic party and a pleasure to meet a writer I really admire who reminded me of the old adage you can't judge a book by its cover.

Tagged as: Bar, Gay, Note To Women, Shameless Self Promotion 12 Comments

22Mar/1026

Men are from Uranus.

Friday night I held an impromptu and very small girls' night at my house. Donnelly stayed over so we could leave on time for running and Jenny, my running BFF, joined us for a few hours of bitching, watching me bake, sparkling wine, and Chinese food.

When you get a group of women together inevitably they will talk about men. Outside of a few stellar twitter worthy gems (1, 2, 3, 4) and a total bizarre post that stemmed from a discussion on this post we did actually get into a worthwhile conversation about men. We realized most of the male-female confusion derives from two completely different sets of relationship definitions.

Observe.

Friend
Women: A person attached to another by feelings of platonic affection or personal regard.
Men: A term used when you are embarrassed to introduce the girl you are seeing to your friends, family, colleagues, etc.

How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: It will inevitably bring up the "What are we doing?" conversation (see below).

"Hanging Out"
Women: What one does with a platonic friend.
Men: A term used to define participating in activities with a girl in the hopes of having sex with little to no emotional attachment.

How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: One of my girlfriends was seeing this guy awhile back. Things started off really great: they shared some of the same interests, he called when he said he would, and, here is the clincher, he introduced her to his mother. Suddenly, he became really distant and said he wasn't looking for a relationship but hoped they could still hang out (man definition). My friend took his statement under the female definition and was utterly shocked when the next time they hung out (woman definition) he kissed her and invited her to stay the night.

Friends with Benefits
Women: A mutually beneficial sexual arrangement with a person with whom you are attached to by platonic feelings of affection or personal regard.
Men: A term used to allow men to treat a woman like a second class citizen yet still call her for sex when he's drunk

How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: I have heard this from women over and over again, they are happy and not in love with the person they are having sex with BUT the guy is incredibly hostile and/or absent during non-bedroom time. The term "Friends with Benefits" starts with friend, gentlemen.

Note To Men: Most women can handle this type of relationship without falling in love with you as you aren't that great anyway. You don't need to put up an asshole barrier to make this type of arrangement work.

Dating
Women: A romantic relationship between the "banging" and "boyfriend/girlfriend" stage. It may or may not be monogamous.
Men: An excuse to lead on a ton of women.

How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: See The Brohammer Saga.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Women: An emotionally mutually beneficial monogamous relationship.
Men: DEATH.

How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: See here

"What are we doing?"
Women: A question used to gauge the expectations of the other person in the relationship.
Men: A way for a woman to say she wants to be your girlfriend.

How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: I realize with this guy, my ever smooth and always put together drunken reaction was more of a "It's not that I want to go to the prom but it would be nice to be asked" kind of deal. I really wasn't fishing for some kind of Relationship (please note the capital R) I was simply gauging his expectations so I could set mine accordingly and decide whether or not I was interested in continuing anything with him.

Filed Under: retrospect

Tagged as: Advice, Brohammer, Dating, Dumped, Friends, My Favorites, Note To Men, Note To Women, Question, Sex, Stupid Things Other People Have Done, The Dude 26 Comments

18Mar/104

It’s also the inscription above my bed

Tagged as: Advice, Dating, FAIL, Friends, Note To Women 4 Comments

15Mar/103

Dating Advice of the Day

Dating Advice of the Day according to The Ugly Truth.

Rule # 1 - Never Criticize.
Rule # 2 - Laugh at whatever he says. A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm. A fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all.
Rule # 3 - Men are very visual. No one wants to fuck comfort and efficiency. Length is very important. Men need short enough to see some thigh, but not so short to see vag. Vag says you're trying to hard
Rule # 4 - Never talk about your problems because men don't really listen or care.
Rule # 5 - Have long hair. Men like something to grab on to other than your ass. A ponytail implies you're either operating heavy machinery or emptying the litter box. Neither of which inspires an erection

Tagged as: Advice, Dating, Note To Women 3 Comments

10Mar/1030

Just say no!

"You want me to go down on you, don't you? I don't usually do that because I don't want to get a disease from some dumb whore but I think we're at that point in our relationship where I have to. You're mad? Why? Ugh...you're just like every other 25 year old I've ever met!"

Ahhh..the phrase that lead me to officially declare 2010 a douchebaggery free year. I'm not sure what is going on in Dude Land but in the last six months I have witnessed more high level douchebaggery than ever before.

Take Boy 2 for example, things were going swimmingly, (casual, fun, low pressure) when out of the blue he disappears for 2 weeks. No calls, no texts, no visual confirmation of his existence, nor a reason as to his disappearance. I finally see him and he gets incredibly pissed off when I won't drunkenly make out with him in a bar full of our friends.

The guy who uttered the above perspective changing phrase was equally as bewildering as Boy 2. This comment was totally out of the blue and followed by another 2 minutes of "you know you want me", "well maybe if you weren't such a hard ass all the time", and "If I was nice to you I know you wouldn't be into it". After his self ego boosting session ended I quickly packed up my stuff, downed my beer, and bailed out but not before patting him on the ass twice and smugly saying, "I don't know what game you're trying to play but I am not interested".

Note to Women: Women of the world, I encourage you to take a stand against douchebaggery in 2010. Every time a guy pulls a bullshit stunt straight out of The Game I implore you to take a tip from Jennifer Lopez on Monday night's episode of How I Met Your Mother and say NO.

Filed Under: douchebaggery is the word of the day.

Tagged as: Boy 2, Dating, My Favorites, Note To Women, Sex, Television, WTF 30 Comments

3Feb/1014

And thirdly, the code is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules

One of the bizarre traits I inherited from the C Family Clan is an ability to sleep with the tv on. In fact, I sleep better with a bit of noise as opposed to complete silence. Last night as I was falling asleep and re-watching He's Just Not That Into You for the 2938180938th time I started thinking about this quote.

Random Guy: A girl will never sleep with you if she calls you "cuddly" or "dependable", if she pops a zit in front of you, if her name is Amber or Christine, if she takes a dump in your bathroom, or if she takes leftovers on dates one, two, or three. I know it's not scientific, but I'm just saying, you were warned.

I actually have a similar standard set of guidelines as well.

Note To Women: If a guy is named Adam, Eric, Chris(topher), or has only 4 letters in his name he is more than likely going to be a jerk. If a guy farts the first time he is over at your house he will treat you badly in the long run. If a guy doesn't pay for the first 2 dates he is only interested in sex. If a guy wants to stay at his house more than yours he more than likely has Peter Pan Syndrome.

Now if only I could learn to listen to my own advice.

Tagged as: Advice, Dating, Note To Women, Peter Pan, Television 14 Comments

18Jan/101