Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

My eardrums are bleeding

I have a list of questions I ask on a first date. All of them have their relevance.

1. How do you take your coffee?
This is a good thing to know for intimacy reasons. You wake up in the morning and make the person coffee just the way they like it. It’s romantic, sweet, shows you care, and will probably get you laid.

+ I don’t drink coffee anymore. Caffeine makes my heart explode and I almost passed out once at Ti Couz.

2. How do you like your eggs?
See question 1.

+ Scrambled hard with sourdough toast.

3. Have you ever been married?
Self explanitory. This became an important question for 2 reasons. A) I’m “of age” now where it is probable they have either been married, are married, or are thinking about marriage. B) After months of dating I found out the guy was in the middle of a prolonged crazy divorce. Drama ensued.

+ I have never been married and am not sure I even want to get married. This opinion changes on an hourly basis especially after this little girl I saw on the bus today. My uterus totally swooned. In my opinion, previous martial status is a moot point. CURRENT martial status is the real problem for me.

4. What is your favorite movie?
This is a merely pretentious question. I love movies and judge people on their taste in movies.

Favorites Include: Almost Famous, Hedwig & The Angry Inch, Doris Day flicks, Rear Window, Sabrina (the original), 7 Brides for 7 Brother, High Fidelity, Say Anything, Star Wars (All of them), Maria Full of Grace, Jesus Camp, Kevin Smith movies (yes even Jersey Girl) etc, etc etc. Movies You Can Mention You Like That Get You Vetoed: Dumb & Dumber, The Brown Bunny, Hey Happy.

5. Taken from Chuck Klosterman’s 23 Questions I Ask Everyone I Meet, Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler’s skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can’t give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler’s skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select?
It’s just amusing the debate that comes up regarding it.

+ Hands down, Hitler’s skull.

6. What is the last book you read?
I don’t care what you read as long as it is something outside of magazines. I’m just a book fanatic and want you to at least have read SOMETHING lately.

+ Animal, Vegetable, Miracle & I just started Devil in the White City

7. What kind of music do you like?
I’d like to say I’m just interested in your music tastes but HONESTLY I just want to know whether or not I will murder you the second you turn on the stereo, iPod, Cd player, etc.

+ I basically like everything excluding metal and gangster rap. Yes country, yes opera, yes classical, yes pop, yes show tunes, yes rock. Sure there are bands I don’t like but overall most music I enjoy.

Sometimes I think question number 7 is the most important of all. It predetermines what categories you will be interested in during the Grammy’s, the music you will listen to at home, concerts you will participate in, and exactly what audible weapons you can use during a fight.

Take my friend Dee for example, she dated this guy for awhile. A real hipster douche who only listened to bands no one has ever heard of, dyed his hair different bright colors, had tattoos that made no sense but he deemed ironic, was kind of an asshole, and every girl liked and half of us slept with.

Yes that includes me.

One night Dee & HD were getting down to business. Things were progressing in the natural fashion when Dee sat up and asked HD “Are you ready for the bob?”. HD currently being on a one track mind contemplates the up and down rhythmic motion of fellatio and assumes Dee is offering head. Much to his surprise when he confirms he is in fact “ready for the bob” Dee jumps out of bed, heads to the living room, returns with a stereo, and proceeds to turn on Bob Marley… Clothes were put on, exits were made, and that is the last time they ever slept together.

So music is quite important. Which brings me to my next point. WHAT IN THE HELL WAS HEMLOCK CHRIS THINKING OF WHEN HE BOUGHT ME ALKALINE TRIO TICKETS FOR TONIGHT TO COMPENSATE FOR THE FACT HE CANCELED OUR “I AM A DOUCHEBAG FOR GUY TALKING ON YOUR VOICEMAIL LET ME TAKE YOU TO DINNER TO MAKE UP FOR IT” DINNER THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS EVENING?!?!?!?