Cyber Sex gone HORRIBLY wrong.
My friend, A, and I were chatting at work today and he kept trying to, platonically, video chat with me. I assume his boss kept coming up behind him because he kept ending chat sessions and then immediately restarting them. Frustrated, I finally screamed, as much as one can via gchat, "SHOW COCK OR GTFO".
It didn't go exactly as I planned.
Dating Advice of the Day
"You can't trust girls. When I get a girlfriend I am not going to tell her where I live or work."
- Seb Thorne
Fun with Porn – Vol 1
Most of you have heard the story. My boss's adult son (over 50 years old) downloaded a ton of porn on my work computer, including a video of him masturbating in my office chair. Thankfully he doesn't live in my boss's house but he is there quite often.
He is currently in town and I've spent the last few weeks cleaning up viruses from various porn sites. Today, after finding the hundredth round of gay porn ON HIS MOTHER'S COMPUTER, I decided to FINALLY tell him that if he looks at porn again I will tell his mother AND show her the in depth file I've been keeping of all the images and movies he's downloaded.
I then decided to have some MS Paint fun!
Ahhhh you can almost hear the cocoNUTS dropping from the tree.
If only he hadn't tried the iced tea. IT'S ALWAYS THE ICED TEA
A whole new meaning to doggy style
This one I have no reason for. It's horrible
Yogi Bear on chat roulette:
It’s a world of ironic mustaches and a world of 40 oz beers. It’s a world of tight pants and a world of bikes with fixed gears.
My friend, Rogue, sent me a link to the below video. I laughed until I practically cried. I feel like every man in San Francisco, not just Hipsters, does this. I couldn't stop laughing or watching it. Seriously, I think I watched it like 9 times on the verge of hysterical giggling tears.
Then I really did cry when I realized the woman in the video is Hot Dad's ex-wife.
Anyway, the video is really funny and you should watch it.
The Good, The Bad, and The Triumphant Return!
After 50 emails and texts letting me know OMG MY SITE IS DOWN, my site is back up. I always forget to set it to auto-renew once a year. I'm an idiot.
Anyway, FirstName LastName and I went away for a bit for his birthday. It was a bit of a rough trip since he wasn't feeling too hot and neglected to really give me the full details of how bad he was feeling until the end but , despite my best efforts of throwing him out of a plane, we both managed to survive. It was a relaxing trip of sitting by the pool and napping.
I need another one immediately.
Now I present to you The Good, The Bad, & The Funny.
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THE GOOD
My ex got fat!! This wouldn't be such a fantastic thing if he didn't constantly harp on me about how "unhealthy" I was (I didn't like to go to the gym and he went once a week or every other week or so)
me: I just love the fact all my exes used to call me fat. Almost every last of them has thought of me as fat. I'm the only one who has maintained a fairly normal weight. wtf is that about? SERIOUSLY
Friend: btw
you aren't fat, you're just big boned
me: I hate you so much
it's just @myb00bs
and my love of bacon
POLL: On a scale of Ghandi to Paris Hilton, how shallow am I for being happy an evil ex got fat?
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THE BAD
FirstName LastName and I are really struggling to communicate on the same level. We both express ourselves in completely different ways and interact with people on completely "not even on the same playing field" levels. I feel like we're in a bit of a struggle now.
For Example:
1) I ask him why he likes me and his response is "because I like spending time with you". To him I believe how much time he spends with someone is the biggest signifier of his feelings. To me all I hear is "I have no idea. I just have fun with you".
If he asked me the same question I'd say: "Because you're smart and caring and funny and different than I am but in a challenging exciting way and good looking and sweet and you think I'm funny."
2) We share google calendars. He saw I was going to Gold Club for their $5 lunch buffet with some friends and suddenly on his calendar is the Sugar Booty Pageant, which he is attending tonight. Even though he SWEARS his friend bought the tickets and he had no prior knowledge, I can't help but think it was some vindictive move....especially after I found out he thought the Gold Club was MALE strippers.
When I saw the Sugar Booty Pageant on his calendar I immediately was like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Two very different ways of communicating.
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THE FUNNY
Graphjam posted the below graph on 'Things To Say During Sex' yesterday. You must absolutely click to see all of it in its most pure genius form.
My Man Friend is so weird.
1. Saturday morning as we were rushing out the door, FirstName LastName stopped to ask me if we could have a "serious talk". I immediately broke out into a cold sweat pouring over the thousands of things I could have potentially done. Did I leave the fan on AGAIN? Did I not use a coaster? Was he really mad I took a picture of his butt when he was getting in the shower the other day?
Within 15 seconds I was convinced he had found out some deep dark secret even *I* didn't know about and was sure he was about to break up with me. Thankfully, he kept my mind whirling a rather short amount of time and quickly asked, "Can you put the toilet lid down after you use it? I put my work clothes and such on the back and don't want anything to fall in"
YES, A MAN JUST ASKED A WOMAN TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN.
2. After a slothtastic 4th of July of sailing and napping on the boat, FirstName LastName and I went home to make turkey burgers, artichokes (it amazes me how many people think artichokes are hard to cook), and corn on the cob. After dinner FirstName LastName was laying on the couch. Feeling rather lovey dovey I flopped down on him and,
Me: "You're my favorite thing on the planet"
Him: "Turkey burger."
Me: "......................"
Him: "...................."
Me: "HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
I'm still not 100% sure what that was about but I think he was about to say something about dinner and I spouted off my bizarre words of endearment. I laughed for a full hour after his declaration of food so he never got to fully explain. He did make up for it later by being all romantical.
UPDATE: The Man Friend clarified tonight when he swung by to say hi since we're having a rare "not together" night tonight. He SWEARS he said "Even more than those turkey burgers?" but that I didn't hear him mumble the first part. I still stand by the fact he just said "turkey burger"
Reasons Why I Was Single For So Long.
If you follow me on twitter (though I will question your sanity if you do because really how interesting can dead mice, cartoons from the 90's, being drunk, and my hatred of Apple really be?) or are my facebook friend then you have already seen this. If not, I think you will finally understand just why I am so jacked in the head.
It's in the gene pool.
Dating Advice of the Day
One afternoon I was heading off to drinks with friends. I had just had my hair cut, thus styled, I was feeling thin, and wearing something cute. It was a warm day and life was looking up. While I can't say I was strutting, mainly because I don't know if I could ever strut and if I could it would be to Bad Romance which had yet to be released, I was pretty darn close to it.
OUT OF NOWHERE A PIGEON. DIVE BOMBED. MY HEAD. and I was left, literally, shrieking on the ground of some busy San Francisco street.
Just like that damn pigeon, one of FirstName LastName's friends has ruined the surreal bubble of happiness I was/am in.
It doesn't matter how it came up but a bit ago one of FirstName LastName's friends stated I was absolutely not FirstName LastName's type. It was also stated we would never work out and that the friend hoped I was at least going to jump start FirstName LastName back into dating.
That my dear friends is when the Dating is Miserable Monster reared it's ugly head.
I can't get it out of my head that I'm not the super model, Mother Teresa, attorney who gives thoughtful gifts and hour long blow jobs that I imagine his ex to be or that his friend, someone who knows FirstName LastName better than I do, thinks I'm not good enough or that I talk way too much and am incredibly klutzy.
(Did I tell you guys when FirstName LastName and I were out running I fell and totally jacked my wrist up and had tons of bruises?!?)
Just as I was really about to lose my mental stability and turn into a jumbling mess of insecurity, despite talking to FirstName LastName and being overly reassured this opinion is not considered valid, I received a very out of left field e-mail from a friend that, despite the first paragraph which was left in for for comedic purposes only, left me feeling much calmer about life and dating.
I still just don't understand why you and [This Guy] aren't together. I just don't get it... Not that I don't think FirstName LastName is amazing but I cant help but be on team [This Guy]. I feel like this could be equated to Twilight. (I don't care that you think it's stupid you should still read the books.) You are obviously Bella and I like Edward but I have a soft spot for the confused, misguided Jacob. Thoughts?
Lately I think everyone I know is going through the same thing (me included). It's our age group I think. We all are trying to make our lives move in the RIGHT direction yet around every turn we second guess ourselves and are scared to make mistakes. It's rough. Nothing ever seems to be perfect but we keep striving for perfection. A wise man (Aldous Snow - "Get Him To The Greek") once said, "When life gives you a Jeffrey, pet the furry wall!". Aka, just roll with it, it'll work out.
Right?
New Dating Mantra: Pet the furry wall, my friend.
6 Things I’ve Found Beyond Hilarious In The Last 48 Hours
1. Why There Are No Girls in SF called me a self-sabotaging silly Marina chick. (post has been archived on my site just in case)
2. FirstName LastName told me he feels he would get to know me better by following what I post on my social media sites. Here is what I think he would learn.
2a) I was in New Orleans for a few days
2b) I ate a lot while in New Orleans
2c) I had an interesting trip home from New Orleans.
2d) I hang out with my friend Donnelly a lot when cameras are around!
2e) I love stupid youtube videos.
2f) I say "dude" a lot.
3. My friend Jenny who sends me articles about being too picky with subject lines like "something for your blog to help out those of us who are still miserably dating (since you don't seem to have much inspiration anymore because you are so blissfully happy)"
4. Jane Lynch. Most recently in this video for a spoofed iPhone ad
5. The musings of Michael over at Food for the Thoughtless. We both did I Live Here: SF (me, Michael) with the ever fabulous Julie.
6. This shirt. Which Zane desperately needs.
About
- I live in San Francisco, go on bad dates, drink a lot, and spend too much time on the internet.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...or you can just e-mail me.
Try out this online dating site.
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