Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

This shit only happens to me.

My attempt at explaining part of the night via stick figure to an uninvolved friend

Last night my friend, Crystal, and I attended the 20 Something Blogger Tequila Tweet Up. What started off as just a margarita and some mild blogophere networking turned into the most surreal ridiculous night ever.  I am beyond thrilled Crystal was there to witness a night of my ridiculous life as some of my stories are so unbelievable I have trouble believing them myself the next morning.

So, Crystal and I finally found the meet up in a busy tequila bar WAY downtown. Crystal and I had poured over the guestlist prior to the event to scope out people we wanted to meet and/or collaborate on stuff with. We met the organizer and after some time I finally had the balls to ask her about the authors of the blog we were most excited about, "So, are the two really hot sex blogger guys coming?". The organizer paused, laughed, and answered, "Oh you mean the guy I'm kinda seeing and his friend?"

Foot meet mouth.

No biggie. I do stuff like that daily. So, despite my bright red face, (Yes, I blush when embarrassed. After years of doing stupid things my embarrassment fuse is pretty long but when it happens oh man, Kool-Aid man face like whoa!) I quickly recovered.

**I would link to both the girlfriend's blog and the sex bloggers' blog, both are great reading material, but part of their shtick is appearing single**

Around this time I excused myself to the bathroom to compose myself. As I walked to the bathroom out of nowhere I heard a voice I prayed to every available deity I would never ever have to hear again. There sat "The Man" with a group of friends I wasn't familiar with.

I should point out I haven't seen even a picture of him since we broke up....well excluding the time I caught him canoodling with a really good, now ex, friend (her doing not mine!) in Walgreens right by my work. Finding out that way instead of being told is a b-i-t-c-h.

Anyway, seeing "The Man" wasn't that big of a deal, more annoying than anything else.

I returned to the section of the bar the meet up had taken over only to spot another friend!!!! I was most excited by the coincidental meeting. I don't believe he shared my sentiment. He introduced me to the woman he was with, who was there for the meet up,  but seemed oddly tense and uncomfortable with the chance encounter so I went back to my table and he left without saying goodbye.

I should point out this guy also takes every available chance to tell me he's not attracted to me.  I don't think I've ever shown any interest in him like that but his behavior confuses me. Maybe he wasn't being weird at all and it was in my head but, either way, I thought we were becoming moderately good friends so my feelings were mildly hurt.

So when I went back to my table a girl and I started to chat. She mentioned she was from Sacramento and as an Ex-Sacramentarian I felt compelled to dig further

"Actual Sacramento or outside?".
"Oh this small town. No one has heard of it"
"Well I'm from Rocklin, so try me."
"Holy crap! I'm Rocklin '01"
"Really?! I'm Rocklin '02"

The girl and I compared friends, events, etc to see if we had a strong friend link (we did) and there is a good chance she ran with the group of bitchy choir girls who made my life hell. I was incredibly awkward in high school. If you ever meet me in person I encourage you to ask me about my three most humiliating high school experiences. The stories are epic.

I finally hop on MUNI to meet up with some friends. The bus is surprisingly crowded so I have to stand. A few minutes into the ride a man taps me on the shoulder and offers me his seat. I protested a bit but he was so polite and I was wearing heels so I thanked him profusely and took the seat. Then he had the balls to ask, "So when are you due?"

Let's get a few things fucking straight here Bus Guy, yes, I am not super thin. I'm 5'5", like140 lbs and some change (I VERY RARELY weigh myself), I run like 4 times a week, I eat rather healthy, I will admit I'm not toned in any way shape or form BUT  I am thin enough to put up a picture of my gut to prove that I DON'T ACTUALLY LOOK PREGNANT (please note how well Death Bruise is healing!). Also, Bus Guy, I'm 100% sure I'm not pregnant but thanks for inquiring.

The rest of the night held the same tone. I think I accidentally crashed a friend's date, my friends were 45 minutes late to the bar so I got to listen to two drunk buffoons babble over whether or not I was being stood up, and my feet hurt.

I woke up pretty defeated this morning but then looked at the bar stamp on my wrist and could only think of something my ex-fauxgirlfriend Tiffany told me, "I should be crying but it's just too damn funny".