It’s a world of ironic mustaches and a world of 40 oz beers. It’s a world of tight pants and a world of bikes with fixed gears.
My friend, Rogue, sent me a link to the below video. I laughed until I practically cried. I feel like every man in San Francisco, not just Hipsters, does this. I couldn't stop laughing or watching it. Seriously, I think I watched it like 9 times on the verge of hysterical giggling tears.
Then I really did cry when I realized the woman in the video is Hot Dad's ex-wife.
Anyway, the video is really funny and you should watch it.
The Good, The Bad, and The Triumphant Return!
After 50 emails and texts letting me know OMG MY SITE IS DOWN, my site is back up. I always forget to set it to auto-renew once a year. I'm an idiot.
Anyway, FirstName LastName and I went away for a bit for his birthday. It was a bit of a rough trip since he wasn't feeling too hot and neglected to really give me the full details of how bad he was feeling until the end but , despite my best efforts of throwing him out of a plane, we both managed to survive. It was a relaxing trip of sitting by the pool and napping.
I need another one immediately.
Now I present to you The Good, The Bad, & The Funny.
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THE GOOD
My ex got fat!! This wouldn't be such a fantastic thing if he didn't constantly harp on me about how "unhealthy" I was (I didn't like to go to the gym and he went once a week or every other week or so)
me: I just love the fact all my exes used to call me fat. Almost every last of them has thought of me as fat. I'm the only one who has maintained a fairly normal weight. wtf is that about? SERIOUSLY
Friend: btw
you aren't fat, you're just big boned
me: I hate you so much
it's just @myb00bs
and my love of bacon
POLL: On a scale of Ghandi to Paris Hilton, how shallow am I for being happy an evil ex got fat?
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THE BAD
FirstName LastName and I are really struggling to communicate on the same level. We both express ourselves in completely different ways and interact with people on completely "not even on the same playing field" levels. I feel like we're in a bit of a struggle now.
For Example:
1) I ask him why he likes me and his response is "because I like spending time with you". To him I believe how much time he spends with someone is the biggest signifier of his feelings. To me all I hear is "I have no idea. I just have fun with you".
If he asked me the same question I'd say: "Because you're smart and caring and funny and different than I am but in a challenging exciting way and good looking and sweet and you think I'm funny."
2) We share google calendars. He saw I was going to Gold Club for their $5 lunch buffet with some friends and suddenly on his calendar is the Sugar Booty Pageant, which he is attending tonight. Even though he SWEARS his friend bought the tickets and he had no prior knowledge, I can't help but think it was some vindictive move....especially after I found out he thought the Gold Club was MALE strippers.
When I saw the Sugar Booty Pageant on his calendar I immediately was like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Two very different ways of communicating.
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THE FUNNY
Graphjam posted the below graph on 'Things To Say During Sex' yesterday. You must absolutely click to see all of it in its most pure genius form.
Dating Advice of the Day
One afternoon I was heading off to drinks with friends. I had just had my hair cut, thus styled, I was feeling thin, and wearing something cute. It was a warm day and life was looking up. While I can't say I was strutting, mainly because I don't know if I could ever strut and if I could it would be to Bad Romance which had yet to be released, I was pretty darn close to it.
OUT OF NOWHERE A PIGEON. DIVE BOMBED. MY HEAD. and I was left, literally, shrieking on the ground of some busy San Francisco street.
Just like that damn pigeon, one of FirstName LastName's friends has ruined the surreal bubble of happiness I was/am in.
It doesn't matter how it came up but a bit ago one of FirstName LastName's friends stated I was absolutely not FirstName LastName's type. It was also stated we would never work out and that the friend hoped I was at least going to jump start FirstName LastName back into dating.
That my dear friends is when the Dating is Miserable Monster reared it's ugly head.
I can't get it out of my head that I'm not the super model, Mother Teresa, attorney who gives thoughtful gifts and hour long blow jobs that I imagine his ex to be or that his friend, someone who knows FirstName LastName better than I do, thinks I'm not good enough or that I talk way too much and am incredibly klutzy.
(Did I tell you guys when FirstName LastName and I were out running I fell and totally jacked my wrist up and had tons of bruises?!?)
Just as I was really about to lose my mental stability and turn into a jumbling mess of insecurity, despite talking to FirstName LastName and being overly reassured this opinion is not considered valid, I received a very out of left field e-mail from a friend that, despite the first paragraph which was left in for for comedic purposes only, left me feeling much calmer about life and dating.
I still just don't understand why you and [This Guy] aren't together. I just don't get it... Not that I don't think FirstName LastName is amazing but I cant help but be on team [This Guy]. I feel like this could be equated to Twilight. (I don't care that you think it's stupid you should still read the books.) You are obviously Bella and I like Edward but I have a soft spot for the confused, misguided Jacob. Thoughts?
Lately I think everyone I know is going through the same thing (me included). It's our age group I think. We all are trying to make our lives move in the RIGHT direction yet around every turn we second guess ourselves and are scared to make mistakes. It's rough. Nothing ever seems to be perfect but we keep striving for perfection. A wise man (Aldous Snow - "Get Him To The Greek") once said, "When life gives you a Jeffrey, pet the furry wall!". Aka, just roll with it, it'll work out.
Right?
New Dating Mantra: Pet the furry wall, my friend.
Mystery Solved!
Last night, it finally dawned on me why I'm single.
I was re-watching the latest episode of Glee (best show ever!) and I could not stop crying because I identified with the character of Rachel Berry so much. That girl just can't seem to catch a break no matter how hard she tries. Men use her or ignore her. When she is upbeat or optimistic the doubt she faces from others makes her situation often appear insurmountable. It literally pains me to watch her be mistreated.
Then I watched the clip of Rachel singing Don't Rain on My Parade from the Sectionals episode and cried a lot more.
This reminded me of how I feel about Klaus from American Dad. First the CIA turns him into a fish so he can't win the fictitious 1986 Winter Olympics then The Smiths treat him like a lesser member of the family. Roger screws everything up but still gets included while Klaus gets told "Humans are talking!". It breaks my heart. Poor Klaus. Surprisingly enough, I do e-know someone who shares my sentiment.
Oh, did I mention yet I was drunk? A friend of my friend got dumped so the three of us went out to drink away the pain men so regularly inflict upon us. Well not my friend, she talked about how much she wanted to marry her current boyfriend while her friend screamed "HE BOUGHT ME A PUPPY AND I'LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN" and "I just want a little vaginal penetration and mental stimulation".
Don't we all, girl. Don't. We. All.
So there I sat, crying in front of the tv when an old friend requested me on facebook. I accepted the friend and began snooping through their profile. I soon discovered, for whatever reason, they were facebook friends with all of my exes pre-2005.
I am not ashamed to admit I internet stalked. I INTERNET STALKED HARD.
This somehow lead to me compiling pictures of all the girls these men cheated on me with and their current girlfriends. In my whiskey/fernet/vodka stupor I decided I was going to crack the code. What made these girls winners and me an outcast? The answer was surprisingly simple.
They all look like animals.
The girls either had bird nose, pig nose, resembled a skunk, or had fish face. I wish I could remember where I read men prefer women who have facial features resembling animals to prove my theory but alas, drinking has made me stupid and forgetful. Hell I'm sure this is even why people find Horsica Parker attractive.
Then again I kind of look like a rabbit. A rabbit with awesome bangs....and a perfect nose. I've literally been stopped 4 times by people wanting to take a picture of my nose to show their plastic surgeon. If I weren't me I would want to mate with me just on the off chance the demon spawn had this nose. It's a great nose and probably my best facial feature.
Oh so where was I? Oh I remember: in short, I'm single because I'm fucking ridiculous.
Maybe I just don’t take compliments well.
That would be a facebook message from my sister's high school ex-boyfriend.......who is an ex-drug addict....who has a baby on the way..........who I haven't seen in at least 15 years............and my only memory of him is him laying on my sister's bed reading the issue of Rolling Stone with the Red Hot Chili Peppers naked on the cover while my grandfather ranted and raved about how indecent both the cover and my sister laying in bed with a boy was......
and I'm not even sure that was this ex-boyfriend of my sister's.
At first I felt bad for feeling so bothered by the message but as one of my friends put it, "Very weird, seems kinda child-molestery the way he said it. I am sure it was only meant as a compliment but definitely came off weird and creepy. "
Filed Under: SKEEVED OUT.
How to Cheat Like a Woman
My one real skill in life is being able to detect when a man is being unfaithful. Be it my man, my friend's boyfriend, or even just a male friend. I know.
I'm talking deep down women's intuition and there are only two times I've ever been wrong. I've caught my exes a number of ways, a majority of which is their stupidity or slip up, so I thought I would give men an insight on how to not be a dumbass and get caught.
1. Do not leave a trail of any sort.
Throw away receipts. Pay with cash. Have cell phone bills sent to your work. Women are highly perceptive with an attention to detail that rivals Sherlock Holmes at his finest. We will find something ESPECIALLY if we're looking for it.
2. Be honest..........with the woman you're cheating with.
If you have a girlfriend, let her know. If you are seeing someone and the relationship is going somewhere, let her know. Never underestimate The Other Woman won't find out about your girlfriend and tell her everything.
3. Keep your tête-à-tête short and sweet.
Woman can get attached pretty easily, especially if you are not following Rule #2. If you have to cheat make sure you don't stick around with the same girl for too long as you run the risk of The Other Woman getting attached, losing her shit, and telling your girlfriend when you end things.
4. Mind Your Phone.
Get in the habit now of constantly having an empty text message inbox AND outbox. This is the one surefire way of getting caught. Leaving texts from either your girlfriend or The Other Woman saying things like, "I wish you were here in bed with me snuggling. xoxoxo" is a big no-no.
Also, never leave your phone unattended. You never know when you may receive a text early in the morning with "Morning, baby. I missed you last night" while you're in the shower.
5. Guard your e-mail password with your life.
frangelico, aggiesrule, j1v3000, 1984ejh, and thepenis are the e-mail passwords of my exes. Most gave them to me when I was looking something up for them but at least one just auto logged in. Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords -> Show Passwords can be a REAL bitch.
You should also change your password every month or so.
6. Do not troll for ass online.
You never know when your girlfriend may stumble across your craigslist post, okcupid profile, or one of her friends stumbles across your adultfriendfinder ad looking for a married couple to play with (true story). NEVER EVER EVER EVER use your picture.
7. Never go for your girlfriend's friends, family, or co-workers.
The Other Woman will inevitably feel guilty and confess everything.
8. Always have a solid alibi.
Don't say you're working late if someone at your office with answer to confirm you are not. If you say your phone battery died make sure you put the battery in backwards before you go home so you can hand your girlfriend your phone to prove it's dead. If all else fails, you can always use a service like Alibi Network for your shady dealings.
9. Thoroughly check yourself before you go home.
Check for bite marks, lipstick prints, scratches, ripped clothing, and perfume smell. I once caught a boyfriend because in his drunken stupor/rush to get home he forgot to remove the condom he used with The Other Woman.
Real classy, I know.
10. Or you know....you could just not be a shady jerk who attempts to put his dick in anything that moves.
That one really is the key to not getting caught cheating. JUST DON'T DO IT
This letter makes me feel about | | <– that big.
In honor of it being April Fools' Day, (No one believed my joke and insisted on commenting on how my hypothetical offspring would be the spawn of Satan....a-holes) I decided to give my constant pointing-out-the-flaws-of-others a rest for a day. Today I will finally publish THE LETTER The Lawyer sent me when he found my blog in January. The letter makes me feel like such an overly critical bitch. I was, and still am, utterly speechless and haven't respond.
If you haven't been a follower for a very long I highly recommend you read our first date, second date, where it all went wrong, the breakup, and the last time I saw him before you read the following e-mail.
Hey Amanda,
I hope all is well. So, I finally decided to read your dating blog (it wasn't hard to find). I'm definitely impressed. It's really funny, brutally honest, incredible heartfelt, and totally self-deprecating. You have a real gift for writing, and I have no doubt that you will someday make a living doing just that.
I can't say that I liked everything I read about myself, but I also can't dispute any of the things you said about me (except maybe the race stuff, which we talked about). And reading about myself was certainly an enlightening experience, as well as a little embarrassing. All in all, however, I'm really glad you told me about your blog and that I read it.
Two emotions came to mind after reading "The Lawyer" entries. The first emotion was gratitude. Thank you for all of the nice things you said about me--and there were more than I thought there would be. Specifically, I wanted to thank you for saying that my mom raised me right. She did. Any asshole behavior I exhibited during our brief affair I learned completely on my own. I also wanted to thank you for asking your readers to keep me in their thoughts during my surgery in September (even though I wasn't aware of it at the time), and being genuinely concerned about my health. That meant/means a lot to me.
The second emotion I felt was a desire to apologize for all the times I acted like a jackass--and there were many (and in such a short period of time). I did some things that are truly out of character for me--most of which you mention in your blog. For all of those things, I am truly sorry.
Unfortunately, you happened to meet me at one of the worst times in my life. I was really sick--even more than I let on. I was also in a lot of physical pain, which led to a lot of emotional pain. I realize now that I shouldn't have been dating at all during that time, but I was trying desperately to keep some sense of normalcy in my life at a time when everything was falling apart. So, what you got were glimpses of the real me (maybe more than just glimpses) and a lot of the "sick version" of me. By dating you, I think I was trying to prove something to myself--maybe that I was still a strong, desirable man. But whatever was going on in my head, I know that I never fully engaged with you or in our relationship. And for that, I'm sorry. It was a crappy thing to do.
Well, the good news is that I have managed to get a handle on my health issues, and have been feeling great since mid-December. It is only now that I am feeling better that I realize how bad last year really was. You know the only lesson you learn from being in the dark so long is to appreciate the light even more . . . and to appreciate the good people that come into your life. You were one of those people (although I didn't appreciate it at the time). So, even though we may not be romantically compatible (or, if I just blew it), I wanted to let you know that I think you are pretty bad-ass. I also wish you the best of luck with your writing, and hope that you find a guy that will force you to blog about something else. And finally, I hope that we can be friends because I really would like to get to know you outside of the dating context (if nothing else, I don't think I could stand any more of your withering critic).
Take care,
The Lawyer
The last line is what makes me feel like the worst person on the planet.
Someone for the love of all that is holy prove me right!
An ex I'm still friends with and I were just discussing lunch options. An innocent lunch conversation morphed into a fight about how he still doesn't believe he dumped me. I have decided to let my readers be the judge of this 3 -4 year long argument.
Ex: We can get Taco Bell with AS MUCH FIRE SAUCE AS WE WANT
me: hahahah I love you for your bizareness!
Ex: I am way more than my bizarreness
me: I know
Ex: I am also a good listener, I hug well, and I like to buy drinks. I'm also a good cook
me: you never cooked for me
Ex: well you dumped me before I had the chance!
me: wait....i dumped you?!?!?! ummm I do believe your last words to me before not talking to me for about 6 weeks were "hanging out with you has gone from something I enjoy to a chore"
Ex: you were real bitchy!
me: you can be incredibly stubborn and stuck in your ways!
Ex: you were obsessed with defining everything!
me : Ummmm I believe I brought that question up once. Then all of a sudden every time we had plans your ex came over, your ex needed you, your ex slept over and it bothered me. So, I stand by my statement, when you tell a girl "hanging out with you is a chore" and stop talking to her. THAT IS BREAKING UP WITH HER
[poll id="2"]
Odd middle of the night question.
I was facebook stalking a bunch of people tonight and came across a recent picture of The Rockstar that struck me as utterly fascinating.
See that jacket? That jacket was a Christmas gift from me almost 7 years ago.
I started looking around my apartment and realized outside of a dress I wore once in Vegas 5 years ago, my luggage, and a book I will never read again I own absolutely nothing from my exes. No pictures, no leftover shirts, no jewelry, no cards, no gifts. NOTHING. I think I've even deleted all the photos from my main computer.
Is that weird?
About
- I live in San Francisco, go on bad dates, drink a lot, and spend too much time on the internet.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...or you can just e-mail me.
Try out this online dating site.
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