And Sunday always comes too late
Sundays are the worst.
There is nothing like Sunday to remind you of your single status. My sister is gearing up her husband and the neicelings for another busy week. Dee and her fiancé do "scrub down Sunday" on their apartment. Sunday is the day you recap the weekend with your honey and de-stress before another busy week of workin' for the man. Sunday is an official relationship holiday equal to New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, or Halloween.
This Sunday I am even more aware of my single status since I had a bit of a rough night last night.
It started pleasantly enough with a house warming party in Oakland. The traditional Blow Your Lunch Punch (pretty much everything in your liquor cabinet mixed with champagne) and Lady Gaga dance party made an appearance. As I headed to a club in San Francisco I stopped to use the bathroom and was <sarcasm> thrilled </sarcasm> at a lovely interaction with the local PD about my "solicitation" practices.
My dress was sexy but it wasn't that scandalous.
I drank WAY too much and danced (a sure sign I drank too much) at the club and decided 3:45 AM was the perfect time to call last weekend's hot make out session that I've hung out with a few times since and assault him with the "What are we doing?" question.
His answer did not make me too happy.
I, yet again, got the "I just got out of a long relationship and despite the fact I'm 30-ish I'm really just into acting like a drunk frat boy and banging a lot of broads".
At least he was honest.
The joy of it all? I CRIED. Yes, C.R.I.E.D. It wasn't the fact this guy doesn't like me, I get rejected constantly, it just played into the fact I consistently feel completely inadequate around the guys I like. I feel like I'm never good enough.
me: I hate dudes like so much
Friend: I hate them too
its not your fault at all
you are gorgeous, funny, easy to talk to, you make people feel really good about themselves, you are accomplished, you like beer, you are basically every man's dream
and these stupid boys don't deserve you
me: around dudes I'm just a dud
If my ego and liver weren't already bruised enough I'm also sporting this lovely gem with little clue as to how I got it.
So here I sit on Relationship Sunday wishing there was someone here to watch movies with and laugh about how ridiculous my life is.
Sundays are the worst.
I’m going back to rotary
Text messaging is starting to drive me insane. Considering the only people I actually like talking to on the phone are my sister and Dee and most of the jokes I make to my friends should never be said out loud can't be said in front of respectable company, I tend to stick to text messaging. I find myself screaming "WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!?!?!" in my head more often than I should lately.
Does a 3 day conversation about karaoke and lyrics to Elvis songs have underlying intentions?
What does 2 texts after nearly two weeks of absolute silence mean?
How does "let's have lunch" turn into a booty call?
What does a 1:30 AM "Beer?" text mean after the last time I saw this guy he ran out of my apartment?
Damn you Verizon. DAMN YOU!
My semi-feel good post of the year.
For the last 25 years I was convinced I had a problem maintaining friendships with women. As far back as I can remember most of my friends have been male while the female friends have come and gone fairly quickly. 9 times out of 10 it has something to do with boys.
In High School my two best friends and I fought over Darin Smith. In my late teens/early 20s Dee and I were in an epic battle over pretty much every guy either of us dated or desired. The last few years of my SF days seem to have completely revolved around one of my exes.
I met my ex because he was the ex of a girl who hung out in my circle of friends. The entire thing was handled incorrectly.
- I should have told her from the beginning.
- I shouldn't have lied to her when she asked me (despite the fact she was incredibly intoxicated at the time and had me locked in a bar bathroom).
- My ex shouldn't have told me, what I now realize are probably fictitious, stories about how insane she was, how they never really had a relationship, and how she was a hysterical attention seeking mess.
- She should have kept her mouth shut about what a horrible person I was since she really didn't know me very well.
It wasn't a pretty situation.
The break up with this ex was pretty epic. I felt devastated and it took me quite a long time to realize I had been invested in the future we had planned not the current relationship I was in. It didn't help he is notorious for being rather emotionally lacking, which is one of my greatest pet peeves.
If it wasn't bad enough my ex's ex hated me, she eventually forgave him to a level of intimacy I wouldn't dare tread to and continues trashing me behind my back. The one thing I pride myself on is if I can't say something nice, and saying nothing at all is impossible, I will at least fess up to disliking someone. I just find it ridiculous for an adult to be referring to me as "She Who Must Not Be Named".
If my woes with the ex weren't bad enough, he is now dating a girl I really do value. I can't really fault her for lying to me when I approached her the first time about it, especially after she insisted it was because of the other things going on in my life. What I can fault her, and have my feelings hurt, for is dating someone who so venomously hates me it destroys our friendship. I have to give him credit though, at least he is doing his part for the environment and recycling the same stories he told me about his ex.
As I was saying, I was convinced for the last 25 years I couldn't maintain relationships with women. I now realize I've just struggled with maintaining relationships with the RIGHT women. Sounds pretty much like my dating life, right? I pick the wrong one, stick with them when I shouldn't, put more into it than I get back, and wind up getting hurt.
I'm not trying to come across as the "innocent one" or the "victim" in all of this. I've been wrong plenty of times. I've said the wrong thing, made the wrong move, and wronged the right people more times than I can count. As my ever eloquent and wise friend Cy once said, "a conspicuous failure is a great equalizer. everyone has been there. everyone has said the dumbest thing possible at the worst time ever. ... the best thing we can do is enjoy, take pride in our humanness. hope someone loves us for it. love someone for it." and I try to live by that. I really do. People make mistakes but not everyone can forgive. As much as I been chastised for forgiving people even in the most undeserving of circumstances I really do think it's a virtue.
Over the last few drama filled months I've become incredibly grateful for the people of substance in my life. This post would have been more appropriate around Thanksgiving but better late than pregnant never. My sister, Bob, and Dee have been there through thick and thin, no matter what. Zane and Tiffany have always been incredibly motivating while still getting me into trouble. Dasha and Przem have always maintained our, what will be, lifelong friendship even from far away (Yes 86 miles is far away!) .Victoria, Rachel, Cy, J, and Lizz are there when I need to TYPE IN ALL CAPS, send crazy texts (Ex: I think a good make out session with John Legend would solve most of my day to day problems.), or talk about boys. My Asian Posse (who don't always like their name on the intrawebz) let me wander in and out of their lives while remaining constant pillars of support. I really do have an amazing group of people in my life. I know I am forgetting a few and there a few I'd rather not name but, basically, if I called you on Thanksgiving I luvz yew. I'm just bad at making lists sometimes.
.....
.....
OH HEY! 73% of that list is women. Who woulda thunk!?!??!
Um ew…no thanks!
Friend: my armpits smell REAL bad
me: that's so hot
Friend: like real bad
me: no wonder you're the one getting married
Friend: haha its because my armpit stench is a man-attractor
me: HOLLA
Friend: they come running from miles to smell my odors
me: next time you're all sweaty I'm going to rub myself on you
Friend: just to get a piece of the action? i understand
me: srsly
Friend: and i have a large pimple on my underarm
like the size of a small gumball
[fiance] and i both tried to pop it today, but it wouldn't have any of that
me: ew
you guys are way too close
I retract my statement about wanting a boyfriend if it will lead to zit popping on my armpit
Friend: it will
it always does
Dating Advice of the Day
Dee: Would you give someone you're dating an organ?
Me: Have you learned nothing from television? You never give an organ to someone you are "just dating". Remember that episode from Grey's Anatomy with the domino surgery? The mistress was willing to give up a kidney so the guy would leave his wife for her. He never intended to. He just didn't want to die. What about that episode of House with the lesbian couple where one couldn't sleep because she needed a new liver? Her girlfriend donated a piece of her liver so her girlfriend wouldn't leave her. In Lost, Locke gives his father a kidney and as a thank you his father pushes him out of a window. Giving someone an organ is the biggest mind fuck of all.
OooooOh GLITTER!
Yesterday while watching Dating in the Dark, a woman with ridiculously high standards rejected an average looking man with above average success with no major flaws because he didn't look like an Abercrombie & Fitch model. The woman further perpetuated my hatred of blonds (I still love you Dee and Rachel!) b y using one of my all time least favorite phrases , "I like a man to be a man". In this day and age what does "being a man" even mean? I really shouldn't be the person to talk about gender roles in society considering all I want to do is wear poofy skirts, pearls, and heels while vacuuming and baking all day.
I shared a bastardized version of the previous thought on my twitter account yesterday.
Me: I hate when women say "I like a man to be a man". Really!?? 'Cause I like them to be miniature purple unicorns.
Friend #1: I prefer my men at least partially pussy whipped, or willing to be such. Also: nice car.
Friend #2: I like men to be cherry popsicles
Friend #3: Friend #2 that sounds perfect actually
Friend #2: I know, men exactly as I like them. Tall, red, and patiently waiting in the freezer.
Friend #4: Yeah but you've got to admit, some are definitely less "manly" than others. . .
So how do you like your coffee men?
Some catchphrases never catch on.
I was thinking about catchphrases today after I said "Je ne parle pas français" for the 850th time since I've been in Paris. There have been some great catchphrases out there, "Aaayyy", "Good Grief", "Up your nose with a rubber hose", "Live Long and Prosper". Then there are the "catchphrases" my ex used.
I don't really know what his problem was. Actually I do, he was an emotionally insensitive ass who cared so much about what people thought about him he had less of a personality and more of a hollow facade of a soul pieced together like some kind of emotionally stunted Frankenstein. Sure I might nitpick my exes in a humorous manner but I'm not one to truly bash my exes and call them horrible people in a public forum. Most of the men I've dated have been great guys but not great for me. So you can imagine just how bad this guy is.
Anyway, like I was saying he had no original jokes, opinions, or stories of his own. When he heard something he thought to be funny he would repeat it over and over and over and over and over again to any new available audience until I wanted to bash my face into a wall repeatedly to make the noise stop.
So imagine hanging out with someone who said the following 3 things to every single person they talked to. Imagine someone who works these 3 phrases into every single conversation they have no matter who they are talking to.
"He was a douchebag or as the Spanish like to say a grande bag de los douche'"
"It was too much rock for just one hand"
(he picked that one up from me and Zane. While we did not invent it my any means we used to do it a lot as a joke)
"It's been real. It's been fun. It hasn't been real fun. I'm out"
If you can imagine someone doing that I'm sure you can imagine why we didn't work out.
You get a line and I’ll get a pole, Honey. You get a line and I’ll get a pole, Babe.
I notice odd trends in dating. I don't notice trends like 80% of my friends over the age of X go out on Y dates a month. I notice stupid stuff like most men who lost their virginity after the age of 18 are Metallica fans (the ones who weren't Metallica fans but had sex after 18 tend to be Jewish) or most of the married people I know are married to the first person that got them off orally or how there is a direct correlation between penis size/facial hair/how much you like Weezer and/or Pink Floyd/how much pot you smoke.
This really has nothing to do with this post but I was thinking about that today after talking with my friend in Seattle about her new boyfriend.
Anyway, I'm more into lines guys use. After making my sex flow chart yesterday I started thinking about all the guys my friend Dee and I have ended up sharing over the years. Until recently, Dee and I have had the exact same taste in men. I actually met Dee at the birthday party of a guy I was seeing who took her home instead of me that night. From that moment on Dee and I have been great friends who end up with the same men.
One of these men was Blair. Blair was the "nice guy" with a girlfriend. He was ridiculously miserable with her but didn't want to break it off because he thought she'd commit suicide. In an attempt to counteract his sadness (-eye roll-) over the girlfriend he slept with every last one of my friends. Yes including me. In his defense, I'm sure he was getting something he couldn't get from his girlfriend from each one of us. With me it was fish and zombie movies. His girlfriend hated both and banned him from partaking so we'd spend our nights eating cheap sushi or tuna fish sandwiches and watching old zombie flicks. Blair really was a great guy...except for the fact he had so many lines it was ridiculous. Most of us knew they were lines because they were so ridiculously cheesy. The most infamous was "You're just so beautiful it makes me nervous".
I just don't understand how guys think these lines work. More importantly, I wonder about the women who have fallen for these lines which has lead men to believe we don't know they are feeding us lines. Maybe I am just blessed with having funny, beautiful, brilliant women as friends who just don't fall for this crap.
Take these two girls I encountered at a recent Yelp event. I was in line for the bathroom behind this ditzy blonde and her friend. From Yelp-Stalking the blonde I have discovered she is an ex-singer/actor with an accessory dog who enjoys the outdoors. (-eye roll-) While standing in line for the bathroom I got to listen to how these size 2 wearing girls thought they were "OMG SO FAT!". For 15 solid minutes I got to partake in a seminar for lipo with full details on where these 2 desperately needed lipo, exactly who they were going to, and when one of their appointments was scheduled.
As I was leaving the bathroom these two were still at it. Normally I am completely understanding of poor/distorted body image. I'm a size 10 with curves to spare so trust me when I say that I've had my moments. What I do not understand and have never understood is the tearing down of complete and utter strangers....to their face (Yes even I have my shit talking girl moments). Just as the door behind me was about to close I hear "Anything over a size 6 is morbidly obese". I flung the door back open and said "Maybe instead of lipo you should try a brain transplant!".
Throughout the night, while I was downing free Red Stripe and vodka tonics, the Skinny Girls and I were battling back and forth with ever mature tactics such as talking shit, laughing at the other group behind their back, and telling everyone what the other had said. By the time this came to a full head I was fiercely blotto and two of my dear guy friends had begun hitting on them (Note to Men: Yes, we know when you are hitting on us or any other girl) under the clever ruse of "What?!?!? They just added me on Yelp!".
I absolutely lost my shit. Here were 2 girls who had insulted me and practically every other girl at this event and these two were laying it on thick. The sad part is if it wasn't for my drunken outburst at my friends about what skanks (I think I may have used the word slanks, a combo of slut & skank, to describe them at the time) these girls were and how they were violating every friendship rule in the book I'm sure these two poor girls would have eaten every line up just like the food they devour right before the purge.
WHAT?!?!? I SAID I HAVE PETTY GIRL MOMENTS TOO!! Don't look at me like that.
I guess my point is that (Note To Men:) no matter if the line is "C'mon baby I just want to pet the kitty", or "You're just so beautiful it makes me nervous", or "Are those space pants? 'Cause your ass is out of this world" , or "If you are going to eye fuck me all night the least you could do is buy me a drink" the women worth dating know they are lines and will never fall for them.
My eardrums are bleeding
I have a list of questions I ask on a first date. All of them have their relevance.
1. How do you take your coffee?
This is a good thing to know for intimacy reasons. You wake up in the morning and make the person coffee just the way they like it. It’s romantic, sweet, shows you care, and will probably get you laid.
+ I don’t drink coffee anymore. Caffeine makes my heart explode and I almost passed out once at Ti Couz.
2. How do you like your eggs?
See question 1.
+ Scrambled hard with sourdough toast.
3. Have you ever been married?
Self explanitory. This became an important question for 2 reasons. A) I’m “of age” now where it is probable they have either been married, are married, or are thinking about marriage. B) After months of dating I found out the guy was in the middle of a prolonged crazy divorce. Drama ensued.
+ I have never been married and am not sure I even want to get married. This opinion changes on an hourly basis especially after this little girl I saw on the bus today. My uterus totally swooned. In my opinion, previous martial status is a moot point. CURRENT martial status is the real problem for me.
4. What is your favorite movie?
This is a merely pretentious question. I love movies and judge people on their taste in movies.
Favorites Include: Almost Famous, Hedwig & The Angry Inch, Doris Day flicks, Rear Window, Sabrina (the original), 7 Brides for 7 Brother, High Fidelity, Say Anything, Star Wars (All of them), Maria Full of Grace, Jesus Camp, Kevin Smith movies (yes even Jersey Girl) etc, etc etc. Movies You Can Mention You Like That Get You Vetoed: Dumb & Dumber, The Brown Bunny, Hey Happy.
5. Taken from Chuck Klosterman’s 23 Questions I Ask Everyone I Meet, Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler’s skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can’t give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler’s skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select?
It’s just amusing the debate that comes up regarding it.
+ Hands down, Hitler’s skull.
6. What is the last book you read?
I don’t care what you read as long as it is something outside of magazines. I’m just a book fanatic and want you to at least have read SOMETHING lately.
+ Animal, Vegetable, Miracle & I just started Devil in the White City
7. What kind of music do you like?
I’d like to say I’m just interested in your music tastes but HONESTLY I just want to know whether or not I will murder you the second you turn on the stereo, iPod, Cd player, etc.
+ I basically like everything excluding metal and gangster rap. Yes country, yes opera, yes classical, yes pop, yes show tunes, yes rock. Sure there are bands I don’t like but overall most music I enjoy.
Sometimes I think question number 7 is the most important of all. It predetermines what categories you will be interested in during the Grammy’s, the music you will listen to at home, concerts you will participate in, and exactly what audible weapons you can use during a fight.
Take my friend Dee for example, she dated this guy for awhile. A real hipster douche who only listened to bands no one has ever heard of, dyed his hair different bright colors, had tattoos that made no sense but he deemed ironic, was kind of an asshole, and every girl liked and half of us slept with.
Yes that includes me.
One night Dee & HD were getting down to business. Things were progressing in the natural fashion when Dee sat up and asked HD “Are you ready for the bob?”. HD currently being on a one track mind contemplates the up and down rhythmic motion of fellatio and assumes Dee is offering head. Much to his surprise when he confirms he is in fact “ready for the bob” Dee jumps out of bed, heads to the living room, returns with a stereo, and proceeds to turn on Bob Marley… Clothes were put on, exits were made, and that is the last time they ever slept together.
So music is quite important. Which brings me to my next point. WHAT IN THE HELL WAS HEMLOCK CHRIS THINKING OF WHEN HE BOUGHT ME ALKALINE TRIO TICKETS FOR TONIGHT TO COMPENSATE FOR THE FACT HE CANCELED OUR “I AM A DOUCHEBAG FOR GUY TALKING ON YOUR VOICEMAIL LET ME TAKE YOU TO DINNER TO MAKE UP FOR IT” DINNER THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS EVENING?!?!?!?
About
- I live in San Francisco, go on bad dates, drink a lot, and spend too much time on the internet.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...or you can just e-mail me.
Try out this online dating site.
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