Dating « Dating is Miserable

16Aug/1021

An Open Letter To My Boyfriend’s Friend

To My Boyfriend's Friend;

I really liked you when I first met you. I found you interesting, funny, charismatic, and you genuinely seemed to make those around you happy. So I liked you too.

That is not the case anymore.

Slowly but surely you have completely worn away any positive feelings I held for you and withered me down to something that borders on loathing.

The first realization that you may quite possibly be the shadiest person on the planet came when I discovered that blog about you. The blog where a group of people you emotionally manipulated for years banded together and collectively told their story about how deceiving you were. I sincerely tried to chalk it up to you being a different person at a different time. I repeatedly told myself that people change and you were working through your issues. That website had nothing to do with me, you, FirstName LastName, or our acquaintanceship.

Next came when I realized you practically regarded FirstName LastName the way a dog regards a chew toy - something there for your amusement. Remember when FirstName Last Name was going through a hard time? He had quite a few deaths in the family followed by his mother getting in a serious accident. To my knowledge you barely contacted him to make sure he was okay, despite the fact he has listened to years of your bullshit, because you were out "finding yourself" .

And your, now ex, girlfriend? Don't even get me started how you have emotionally drained her. You disregarded her feelings, lied, manipulated, and just plan treated her like crap. I assure you she will be in FirstName LastName and my life long after I have eradicated you from it.

Then yesterday, FirstName LastName confided in you that we were having some problems and things have been a little draining lately. Were you supportive? No. Did you offer him relationship advice or tools to help him communicate? No. Did you simply say "hey man that sucks!"? No. Instead, you told him to dump me and to do "what is easy and feels good".

But, who am I to judge if you haven't mastered the nuances of relationships, or treat people poorly due to your own insecurity, or even give poor advice? Surprisingly most of the above WAS forgivable. That was until yesterday.

Yesterday when you said something so unbelievable, so unforgivable, so horrible I no longer respect you as an organism.

Yesterday you became dead to me.

Yesterday all your sins manifested into one great pile of excrement that made it bundantly clear that I can no longer tolerate you in my life.

YESTERDAY I FOUND OUT YOU CALLED MY DOG 'MEAN LOOKING' !

I do understand my dog is part pitbull and pitbulls are notorious for being aggressive BUT this part pitbull is the sweetest thing on the planet. I decided to jump on him last night -for fun- while he was sleeping to get his reaction. Do you know what this 'mean looking' dog did? He curled up on my lap and allowed me to squeeze him like the Abominable Snowman and take goofy pictures.

My dog is the sweetest dog on the planet and you are a tool for calling him 'mean looking'. You do not talk poorly of a sweet, loving, adorable creature that can't defend itself. Talk shit about me, treat my boyfriend badly, disregard your (ex) girlfriend's feelings as much as possible but never say one word against my dog.

You are officially the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum to me.

Sincerely,

Amanda

Tagged as: Dating, FirstName LastName, Friends, Zero 21 Comments

11Aug/107

Anthropology

Mating rituals fascinate me.

Hippos create a sort of excrement fan with their tail and publicly shit themselves in front of their intended. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites they, literally, sword fight with their penises to decide who has to 'be the girl'. White-Fronted Parrots lock beaks in anticipation of coitus and then proceed to vomit back and forth into each other's mouthes. A female giraffe urinates into a male giraffe's mouth to determine whether or not they are compatible mates.

Current human dating rituals, especially in San Francisco, are as equally bizarre and disgusting. If you sleep with a person too soon you are an undateable skank but if you wait too long you're a prude. If you call too soon you're needy but if you wait you don't seem interested. It's all exhausting.

Take a buddy of mine that I hung out with last night, he's been out on a few dates with this girl (the last being on Saturday) who randomly texted him around 9 PM, while we were hanging out with his roommate.

"Hola [name]! R U still up?".

Now let me state I already do not approve of this girl, in this day and age of full keyboards on phones and unlimited text messages I find using abbreviations like R for are and U for you to be a completely unforgivable faux pas. I assure you 99% of my texts have the correct fully spelled out usage of their/there/they're and you're/your. The rest is either a horrible typo or I'm drunk.

Anyway, he responded within two minutes with

"Out with my roommate. At [bar]".

The girl did not respond for over 20 minutes. At this point my friend's roommate and I had pressured him into telling us everything about the girl and we realized she had violated quite a few modern dating etiquette rules.

1. The fake wallet grab.
It may be archaic but I really believe in the heterosexual dating situation the guy should pay for the first date. The girl should absolutely take her wallet out of her bag and/or offer to pay for some portion of the meal, drinks, etc even if she really has no intention of doing so.
Sidebar: In the event of a man paying for dinner the woman should suggest getting drinks and insist on paying for the first round as a thank you for dinner. It's just polite.
- My friend's girl had never even faked a wallet grab or offered to pay for a thing in the course of 3 dates.

2. Be affectionate
If you have been out with a person a few times and are interested in pursuing even a friendship I think it is important to show some level of affection. When Hot Dad jumped back about 6 feet when I attempted to hug him hello on our second date I was baffled and should have taken it as a sign. I think it is an easy indicator of your intentions.
- My friend's girl hasn't even tried to touch him in any way and immediately bolts when they say their goodbyes.

3. She has a myspace page.
- She calls herself a model and has a myspace page dedicated to it. Her pictures are mainly photos taken by a friend of her's who is a complete amateur. He labels most of his photos (of chicks in lingerie) 'iN dA rOoM'.

4. She has a tribal tramp stamp.

So anyway, my friend's roommate and I were in hysterics by the time she texted him back with

"I'm at [restaurant she works at]"

5. Don't booty call before you've had proper first time sex.
Sadly, this wasn't a booty call. She had actually done this to him before. Texted him late at night, invited him to her work, where he bought her drinks all night when she got off, and then they parted ways without so much as a playful knock on the chin.

Since my friend had no intention of leaving the 2 block radius we were in he texted her back,

"Cool. We're going to be in my hood tonight"

as a casual way of saying "I'm not leaving where I am but you are free to come out".

Of course she ceased all communication with him.

As I told him this morning via text

I hope we didn't give you too much shit last night. You know I love you and want you to be with someone who will treat you right. I have high standards for my [embarassing nickname]...even if I'm the lowest standard you have. Move that magnificent face on to the next victim.

And on the subject of mating rituals. There is one I will NEVER understand.

Tagged as: Advice, Bar, Dating, Friends, Hot Dad, San Francisco, Sex 7 Comments

2Aug/107

It’s a world of ironic mustaches and a world of 40 oz beers. It’s a world of tight pants and a world of bikes with fixed gears.

My friend, Rogue, sent me a link to the below video. I laughed until I practically cried. I feel like every man in San Francisco, not just Hipsters, does this. I couldn't stop laughing or watching it. Seriously, I think I watched it like 9 times on the verge of hysterical giggling tears.

Then I really did cry when I realized the woman in the video is Hot Dad's ex-wife.

Anyway, the video is really funny and you should watch it.

Tagged as: Dating, Exes, Hot Dad, Lol, WTF 7 Comments

29Jul/1010

The Good, The Bad, and The Triumphant Return!

After 50 emails and texts letting me know OMG MY SITE IS DOWN, my site is back up. I always forget to set it to auto-renew once a year. I'm an idiot.

Anyway, FirstName LastName and I went away for a bit for his birthday. It was a bit of a rough trip since he wasn't feeling too hot and neglected to really give me the full details of how bad he was feeling until the end but , despite my best efforts of throwing him out of a plane, we both managed to survive. It was a relaxing trip of sitting by the pool and napping.

I need another one immediately.

Now I present to you The Good, The Bad, & The Funny.

----------------------------------------------------------------

THE GOOD

My ex got fat!! This wouldn't be such a fantastic thing if he didn't constantly harp on me about how "unhealthy" I was (I didn't like to go to the gym and he went once a week or every other week or so)

me: I just love the fact all my exes used to call me fat. Almost every last of them has thought of me as fat. I'm the only one who has maintained a fairly normal weight. wtf is that about? SERIOUSLY
Friend: btw
you aren't fat, you're just big boned
me: I hate you so much
it's just @myb00bs
and my love of bacon

POLL: On a scale of Ghandi to Paris Hilton, how shallow am I for being happy an evil ex got fat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BAD
FirstName LastName and I are really struggling to communicate on the same level. We both express ourselves in completely different ways and interact with people on completely "not even on the same playing field" levels. I feel like we're in a bit of a struggle now.
For Example:
1) I ask him why he likes me and his response is "because I like spending time with you". To him I believe how much time he spends with someone is the biggest signifier of his feelings. To me all I hear is "I have no idea. I just have fun with you".
If he asked me the same question I'd say: "Because you're smart and caring and funny and different than I am but in a challenging exciting way and good looking and sweet and you think I'm funny."

2) We share google calendars. He saw I was going to Gold Club for their $5 lunch buffet with some friends and suddenly on his calendar is the Sugar Booty Pageant, which he is attending tonight. Even though he SWEARS his friend bought the tickets and he had no prior knowledge, I can't help but think it was some vindictive move....especially after I found out he thought the Gold Club was MALE strippers.

When I saw the Sugar Booty Pageant on his calendar I immediately was like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

Two very different ways of communicating.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE FUNNY
Graphjam posted the below graph on 'Things To Say During Sex' yesterday. You must absolutely click to see all of it in its most pure genius form.

Tagged as: Dating, Exes, FAIL, FirstName LastName, Friends, Lol, Sex 10 Comments

7Jul/1010

Why I stopped dating guys in the tech industry

Tagged as: Dating, Lol 10 Comments

30Jun/1012

When the cat’s away!

FirstName LastName is out of town on a business trip this whole week. Even though I miss him dreadful amounts I find it's kind of refreshing to have all this time to myself. Not only am I getting to work on some of my side projects I'm also getting to have some alone time to indulge in my secret single behavior.

Lord. Did I really just reference Sex and the City?

FACT: I didn't know it was Sex and the City not Sex in the City until last year despite, even though I don't really like the show that much, I have seen a vast majority of it and the first movie.

In the episode Aidan has just moved in and Carrie is missing her Secret Single Behavior, Miranda admits to putting Vaseline all over her hands and watching infomercials with cotton gloves on, Charlotte checks her pores for an hour every night, and Carrie...well Carrie being the most obnoxious character of all does boring things like eat a stack of saltines with grape jelly on them while standing up in the kitchen and reading fashion magazines.

SIDENOTE: Why is the main character of so many shows always the most obnoxious of them all? Can someone please explain this to me?
Ex: True Blood, Sex and the City, Roseanne, The Nanny, etc

Anyway, I'm really enjoying indulging in my SSB.

1. Taking the elevator.
FirstName LastName is like Mr. Fitness. He loves to take stairs and/or the long way. For one, I am incredibly klutzy and have fallen down more flights of stairs than I care to mention and two, I appreciate modern technology. Yes I will run 13.1 miles but I would so much rather take the elevator both up and down.

2. Eating weird combinations of stuff.
I eat a fairly normal types of food when I'm with FirstName LastName. Bagel and/or eggs for breakfast, sandwich or leftovers for lunch, and a normal dinner. Yesterday I ate everything crackers, a Clif bar, an apple, more everything crackers, some tuna (on top of everything crackers), dried cranberries, and an organic, free range, chili cheese, turkey dog.

3. Sleeping on the left side of the bed.
FirstName LastName and I both sleep on the same side of the bed. I, graciously, let him have the left side.

4. Sleeping with electronics in bed with me.
No, not those kinds of "electronics". I have my laptop hooked up through my tv so I can use my tv as a big computer monitor (and also so I can [activity redacted] movies and tv off the internet) so when I stay alone at my house my cell phone, wireless keyboard, and wireless mouse all sleep in bed with me.

5. Watching trashy television.
FirstName LastName is a nature documentary kind of guy with a little bit of action flicks thrown in. He isn't too bad with the remote control hogging but I'm just not comfortable with him knowing about my sick addiction to Drop Dead Diva (♥), Jersey Shore, 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom, Pretty Little Liars, bad movies on Netflix on Demand, anything with Katherine Heigl, and "Who is the Father?" episodes of Maury.

While I can't wait for him to get home just a small portion of me will miss eating crackers in bed and screaming OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH when someone is NOT the father.

Tagged as: Dating, FirstName LastName, Food 12 Comments

29Jun/108

6 Things I’ve Found Beyond Hilarious In The Last 48 Hours

1. Why There Are No Girls in SF called me a self-sabotaging silly Marina chick. (post has been archived on my site just in case)

2. FirstName LastName told me he feels he would get to know me better by following what I post on my social media sites. Here is what I think he would learn.
2a) I was in New Orleans for a few days
2b) I ate a lot while in New Orleans
2c) I had an interesting trip home from New Orleans.
2d) I hang out with my friend Donnelly a lot when cameras are around!
2e) I love stupid youtube videos.
2f) I say "dude" a lot.

3. My friend Jenny who sends me articles about being too picky with subject lines like "something for your blog to help out those of us who are still miserably dating (since you don't seem to have much inspiration anymore because you are so blissfully happy)"

4. Jane Lynch. Most recently in this video for a spoofed iPhone ad

5. The musings of Michael over at Food for the Thoughtless. We both did I Live Here: SF (me, Michael) with the ever fabulous Julie.

6. This shirt. Which Zane desperately needs.

Tagged as: Dating, FirstName LastName, Friends, Lol, Shameless Self Promotion, Television, WTF, Zane 8 Comments

28Jun/107

It was a trip.

I don't have the best track records with vacations and boyfriends.

Brohammer and I went camping as our first official trip away and that ended in copious amounts of disaster.

Due to the fact "The Man" was in law school, we never actually got to take a real vacation together. Our first "official vacation" was an epically bizarre Christmas involving a blizzard with his overly-religious parents who never eat vegetables (which lead to him being unaware 1) you could eat peas raw and 2) peas should not be grey when 'fully cooked' - full story can be heard here on my latest appearance on Date Night with Steph Dub) and my wine making/garden in the backyard/hippie-esque loudmouth family. Disastrous does not even begin to sum it up.

Then there was my trip to Europe with my abusive asshole of an ex-boyfriend where he decided to get drunk one night, completely overreact to something I said, and get into a fistfight with our host which I decided to attempt to break up thus ruining most of our vacation and the rest of our relationship.

So saying I was a bit nervous about taking a trip with FirstName LastName is a bit of an understatement.

FirstName LastName and I arrived in New Orleans late on Thursday night. After checking into our gorgeous and well located hotel we headed over to a place recommended by my foodie/boozer extraordinaire friend, Quinn, for a delicious peanut butter bacon burger and a beer.

I started to tense up at this point since FirstName LastName is super in shape and super healthy and while I run....man do I like to nosh down on a good burger sometimes. I realized everything was okay when 2 bites into my half of the burger I look over and his half was already completely demolished.

Crisis #1 Averted

Friday involved a lot of walking around and taking in the sites. Eventually we hit the pool after discovering both of us wanted to stay as far away from Bourbon Street as humanly possible. As we lounged around the pool these 2 couples approached us.

Guy: "Where you guys from?"
FirstName LastName: "San Francisco"
Guy: "What do you do? You must do like a thousand sit ups a day"
FirstName LastName: "Medical services, it's kind of part of the job"
Guy: "What are you guys doing tonight?"
FirstName LastName: "Probably hit Frenchman Street, grab some dinner, and chill out"
Guy: "You guys should come to Bourbon Street with us tonight."
-Awkward Pause-
Guy: "'Cause you know the Swinger Convention is in town"
-Awkward Pause-
Guy: "And we're going to go grab some appetizers and drinks later. You should come with us"
-Awkward Pause-
FirstName LastName: "Umm yeah I think we're going to stick to Frenchman Street"
Guy: "Okay well look us up later"

The couples walked away and FirstName LastName and I both burst out laughing. It absolutely wasn't either of our scene.

Crisis #2 Averted

We lounged around the pool for a little while longer before deciding to head down to our room. The elevator stopped at a floor between the pool and our room and standing there were our "new friends".

Guy: -in a style similar to Herbert- "Hey you two! We're going for appetizers at La Bayou! Come join us!"
-We frantically hit 'Door Close'-

Friday night brought Frenchman Street and Harrah's (where I won $163 on Pai Gow Poker and a video poker machine!). Thankfully FirstName LastName was totally cool when I got the glazed over gamblin' look in my eye. I played Pai Gow for a good hour and a half and NEVER lost a hand. I also hit so many straights and full houses the pit boss came over to watch me suspiciously for awhile. FirstName LastName kind of did his own thing while I went into the gamblin' man trance and was really cool about me getting all crazy. Thankfully, I do know when and how to walk away from the table so no problems there.

Crisis #3 Averted

Saturday proved too hot to do much of anything, plus most of New Orleans closes at 3 PM so we ate some beignets followed by a bunch of oysters and fried crab legs (no problem on the oyster front this time! Crisis #4 Averted!) and napped because Saturday night brought the tasting menu at Commander's Palace . I was pretty nervous about this because I wanted the wine pairings with the tasting menu and as I said before, FirstName LastName isn't the biggest of eaters/drinkers. By the time we hit the salmon, his favorite thing on the planet, I could tell he was in heaven.

Crisis #5 averted.

Sunday involved more walking around, a trip to Algiers, a third run in with our "new friends", some more oysters, and a drive to Kenner where I checked into my crappy airport hotel and FirstName LastName drove to his work meeting.

No fights. No misunderstandings. No problems whatsoever. It was an absolutely perfect first vacation.

Well as long as you exclude the guy in Walgreens who kept screaming about how rude I was because I *gasp* dared to walk down the same aisle he was in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhHgrrQGDpk