Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

Logging on and getting off.

Yesterday a friend of mine called me with a "911 get over here now" relationship emergency.  Someone had alerted my friend that their significant other not only had a profile on a no strings attached sex website but the significant other was currently logged on.  My friend, while having a mild panic attack, logged in to the dating website where they met  and sure enough the significant other had logged in that day. I would like to say I was a rock of emotional support but that would be lying. I tried to tell my friend in the nicest of ways to get out and run away but realized I was pretty jaded and should probably keep my mouth shut.

Why am I so jaded you ask? Oh please keep reading.

It all started with The Guatemalan.  I don't actually remember how I met The Guatemalan since shortly after we broke up I got spinal meningitis and find most of my memories from that year really fuzzy. What I do remember about him is how and why  we broke up. While he did break up with me "officially", the fight started because a friend of mine found his profile on Adult Friend Finder. He was looking to join a couple for a MMW threesome. When I read this I went tearing through his house looking for more evidence of infidelity (hell hath no fury).  What I found was a woman's business card,  a photo album from the same woman with an intimate message written inside the front cover, and porn. Usually the pron wouldn't be my biggest concern but usually the porn doesn't include the back cover displaying a picture of my man balls deep in some co-eds mouth. To say I was livid would be an understatement.

Long story short. He came home. I demanded an explanation. He broke up with me because I don't like to dance.

My next tale of internet woe came from The "Rock Star". The "Rock Star" and I were a ridiculous match to begin with. He had a god awful band that his world revolved around. He was talented at one point but this band was a bad rip off of Breaking Benjamin, The Used, Fuel, and Sevendust.  He thought they would be huge. I thought they were mediocre. A point of contention in our relationship was when he would play shows and come back with new phone numbers or suspicious looking text messages ending with things like "I can't wait to do that again "  or "I can't remember the time I met such an awesome single guy". I should probably point out that we lived together. An easy solution would have been for me to go to his shows but considering I was 20 at the time I couldn't get into most venues. The venues I could go to he'd put me on merch sales and ignore me the entire night telling me it was "bad for the band's image" for him to have a girlfriend.

One of the breaking points  came while I was getting my daily fix of craigslist. I stumbled upon an ad complaining how the poster's live in girlfriend wouldn't let him "finish" on her face (TRUE). The poster was seeking an on-going no strings attached arrangement to fulfill his needs.   My idiot boyfriend made the mistake of posting his picture, complete with band name in the back, and using one of his middle names as his first name. He denied everything and insisted it was a fake ad he and his band mates posted one night while drinking. Note To The "Rock Star" : I checked your email almost the entire time we were together. I know that ad wasn't fake.

At the time I was  suffering from a slight emotional breakdown issue mixed with a substance abuse problem brought on by my inability to deal with life that has since been dealt with that he more than willing to feed,  so I let this behavior carry on the entire time we were dating.

Brohammer is who the future men in my life can thank for my new no tolerance policy. In the 6 months I dated Brohammer he logged on to match. com and OKC every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I guess I didn't fault him because I too was logging in. I was logging in to get blog fodder and to see what he was doing. He was trolling for ass.  BIG DIFFERENCE THERE BUDDY. My new policy states that once I'm actually dating someone somewhat seriously (AKA I'm not interested in anyone else) I'm deleting or putting all my dating profiles on hold and asking them to do the same. If they don't I'm out of there.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times, I'm pretty sure Allah, Bill Gates, L Ron Hubbard or whoever envisioned the intawebz had no idea how much of it was going to be dedicated to porn and/or hooking up.