Wouldn’t it be great if the Xanax Fairy was real?
This weekend fucked me up mentally.
I was laying in bed late one night when my e-mail indicator went off on my Blackberry. I rolled over to see if it was work and felt figuratively bitch smacked in the face.
I had a comment approval request on DiM from Brohammer.
Considering the only interaction we've had since he ended things last year were two very businesslike transactions, I was floored he was reading my self absorbed writings on my pathetic dating life. Perhaps it was morbid curiosity, perhaps it was nostalgia, perhaps he put me on google reader and forgot I was the writer behind it, perhaps he reads it and mocks me with his new girlfriend, or maybe he gets off on being written about. Whatever it was/is, it rocked me in the style of the Scorpions.
Here is the kicker, when I received the e-mail I was not...um...exactly..uhh...alone. I rolled over, looked at the sleeping great smile with abs I want to hand wash all my clothes on, and immediately wanted to bolt out of the room screaming. I spent a good portion of the weekend trying to figure out exactly which chemical in my warped brain was so severely imbalanced to cause a fight or flight response. I was feeling pretty miserable, dejected, damaged, and lonely when my friend Donnelly sent me a really great article by Rachel Howard over at 7x7 which attempts to process the lack of commitment and wandering eye (two of Brohammer's biggest problems) so often associated with San Francisco.
"Hold on,” she said. “Two weeks ago this guy was a cad, and now you’re
smitten? Is it possible you go for commitment-phobic guys because you’re
actually terrified too?”
I thought about the interested men I had passed on, some just as attractive
and talented as Paul, with only one discernible flaw: They seemed genuinely
available. When I tried to picture having a relationship with one of them, it
freaked me out in a similar way to the squirming discomfort I had felt during
the three years I was married—a fear that I was stuck."
It finally all became clear. Since Brohammer I have purposefully set my sights on men who don't want commitment, won't be faithful, have Peter Pan syndrome, and/or will treat me bad because I'm absolutely terrified of being hurt again.
I dismissed The Mayor. I nitpicked the one issue I had with Boy 1 to death until the only option I saw was to let things fizzle. I've turned down dates with really nice guys because I didn't feel "a spark". I've subconsciously imploded on men I'm just casually seeing because I know it'll end things before I have to become emotionally vested. I've been making myself as standoffish and unemotional as I've been claiming all men in San Francisco are.
I wish I could say this realization sparked some great personality transformation or prompted a new plan of action but I'm only human. In reality, it only made me wish for the Xanax Fairy.
Okay, I'm not that vapid, the article did make me take a long hard look at what I've been doing wrong (remember I've never claimed to be perfect) but sadly outside of acknowledging my past mistakes the only thing I could think to do was take more of Rachel's advice:
SF singles are trapped in this loneliness together. The women approach men
as enemy combatants, and then wonder why they cower. The men sense the
women’s disdain, and then wonder why they have trouble committing.
We needed a cease-fire, and someone had to lay down arms first. Why not me?
Men are from Uranus.
Friday night I held an impromptu and very small girls' night at my house. Donnelly stayed over so we could leave on time for running and Jenny, my running BFF, joined us for a few hours of bitching, watching me bake, sparkling wine, and Chinese food.
When you get a group of women together inevitably they will talk about men. Outside of a few stellar twitter worthy gems (1, 2, 3, 4) and a total bizarre post that stemmed from a discussion on this post we did actually get into a worthwhile conversation about men. We realized most of the male-female confusion derives from two completely different sets of relationship definitions.
Observe.
Friend
Women: A person attached to another by feelings of platonic affection or personal regard.
Men: A term used when you are embarrassed to introduce the girl you are seeing to your friends, family, colleagues, etc.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: It will inevitably bring up the "What are we doing?" conversation (see below).
"Hanging Out"
Women: What one does with a platonic friend.
Men: A term used to define participating in activities with a girl in the hopes of having sex with little to no emotional attachment.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: One of my girlfriends was seeing this guy awhile back. Things started off really great: they shared some of the same interests, he called when he said he would, and, here is the clincher, he introduced her to his mother. Suddenly, he became really distant and said he wasn't looking for a relationship but hoped they could still hang out (man definition). My friend took his statement under the female definition and was utterly shocked when the next time they hung out (woman definition) he kissed her and invited her to stay the night.
Friends with Benefits
Women: A mutually beneficial sexual arrangement with a person with whom you are attached to by platonic feelings of affection or personal regard.
Men: A term used to allow men to treat a woman like a second class citizen yet still call her for sex when he's drunk
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: I have heard this from women over and over again, they are happy and not in love with the person they are having sex with BUT the guy is incredibly hostile and/or absent during non-bedroom time. The term "Friends with Benefits" starts with friend, gentlemen.
Note To Men: Most women can handle this type of relationship without falling in love with you as you aren't that great anyway. You don't need to put up an asshole barrier to make this type of arrangement work.
Dating
Women: A romantic relationship between the "banging" and "boyfriend/girlfriend" stage. It may or may not be monogamous.
Men: An excuse to lead on a ton of women.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: See The Brohammer Saga.
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Women: An emotionally mutually beneficial monogamous relationship.
Men: DEATH.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: See here
"What are we doing?"
Women: A question used to gauge the expectations of the other person in the relationship.
Men: A way for a woman to say she wants to be your girlfriend.
How a Mistranslation Can Get You Into Trouble: I realize with this guy, my ever smooth and always put together drunken reaction was more of a "It's not that I want to go to the prom but it would be nice to be asked" kind of deal. I really wasn't fishing for some kind of Relationship (please note the capital R) I was simply gauging his expectations so I could set mine accordingly and decide whether or not I was interested in continuing anything with him.
Filed Under: retrospect
Do you need anybody? I need somebody to love. Could it be anybody? I want somebody to love.
I sent out an e-mail this morning to two of my wonderful female friends regarding how long it had been since I had seen their respective gorgeous smiling faces. One of them responded back with:
From: Friend 1
To: Me
cc: Friend 2
Date: Thu, Jan 7, 2010 at 10:59 AM
Subject: Re: EMERGENCY
1. Amanda - I saw your ex's (Brohammer) stupid head in his kitchen window when I was coming home last night. I scowled at it.
2. I have my big meeting in Vegas so I'm pretty slammed with work stuff. . . . February?
-------------------------------
Much ♥
A more than fond farewell
2009 was a shite of a year.
As I list off all the things that happened this year I can't come up with too many significantly good things. 3 of the most emotionally detrimental break ups I've ever had (1, 2, 3) occurred. My friendships have been tested and failed more times than I care to count. Zane moved to New York. I've been on more crappy bizarre unbelievably bad dates (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) than anyone should have to endure. Most significantly, My grandmother passed away.
Not to say 2009 was a total waste of a year. My sister and her husband (and all their federally recognized bonin' for procreation) blessed my family with another nieceling. I reconnected with one of the most amazing friends and supportive people on the planet. I went to Paris for a month for work. I was lucky enough to not lose my job in these "tough economic times". I got a shout out from one of my idols. I finally went to New York. I'm in the best shape of my life with the help of Marathon Matt and the great friends (Hi Jenny!) I've made from the group (Thanks Tiffany!). While this year has had extreme ups and downs I have to say I'm happier than I've been in a long long long time.
As my friend Keane said, "Does life really change more from December 31 to January 1 than with the transition between any other two days in a year? Yes, it does. If you want it to". And I really do. I'm starting this year completely anew. I've scrubbed my apartment from floor to ceiling. Despite interest I am content being alone. My bills are all paid. I am starting 2010 a completely blank slate. No high hopes (except finishing the pilot I've been avoiding due to some intense writer's block). No lofty goals or aspirations (the most I can muster up is "read more"). No expectations, least of all a midnight kiss.
So 2009 I can't say I'm going to miss you very much. 2010 I welcome you in with excited anticipation.
The amputee in a tree.
Last night my friend Rachel, in an attempt to get me out of my depressive shame spiral, forced me out of my house to go see New York, I Love You. Probably not the best movie for me to go see since I'm currently on a "I should move to New York" kick. One of my favorite vinettes was with Anton Yelchin (of Charlie Bartlett and Star Trek fame) entitled "Brett Ratner". The reason it was one of my favorites was because the story was eerily similar to the story Brohammer told me on our first date about the worst date he was ever on.
Brohammer and I had an amazing first date. We clicked instantly and the main reason was due to the fact we have the exact same sense of humor (and love of booze). Within the first two hours we regaled each other with tales from our raver days, stories of the stupid things our friends did while drunk, I told him my Power Exchange story, he told me his Djing adventures, and I told him a lot of tales from Dating is Miserable. Brohammer laughed and said that none of my bad dating stories could even come close to the worst date he'd ever been on. After much poking and prodding I finally convinced him to tell me. What followed was by far the craziest most horribly awkward story I have ever heard.
Brohammer went to college in Indiana. With not much to do in Indiana he often turned to the early version of what we now call "dah intrawebz" for entertainment, mainly chat rooms. One day he met a girl online who was pretty much the female version of himself. After days of talking they finally exchanged pictures and after "about 10 minutes of waiting for the picture to download" he discovered not only was she smart and funny, she was also stunningly beautiful. Brohammer immediately asked her out, she agreed, and plans were made for dinner and a movie the following Friday.
He rang the bell to her home at precisely 7:00 PM as they had agreed and stood anxiously waiting to meet his dream girl. A tad surprised doesn't even begin to sum up how shocked he was when a middle aged couple opened the door and greeted him with hugs and "Oh so YOU are Brohammer! It's so nice to finally meet you!". He was ushered into the living room where "20 minutes of the most awkward conversation I've ever experienced took place". Turns out this middle aged couple were his date's parents. "They just kept thanking me for taking her out and told me how nice I was to spend time with her. I was completely confused.". Finally, the mom called for Brohammer's date to hurry. Brohammer stared up the large staircase now no longer sure what to expect and slightly dreading what was about to come down. Which is why his jaw completely dropped when from next to the stairs rolled his date. Yes, in the course of all their conversations she had never once mentioned she was a double amputee from about the mid-thigh region and in a wheelchair.
As her parents snapped pictures and hugged their precious daughter goodbye Brohammer was stunned. "She was just as gorgeous as her picture. The wheelchair wasn't really an issue. I was just shocked. How did she not tell me?". Considering he was young, naive, and didn't really know anyone who was differently abled (PC TERM FTW) at the the time Brohammer had no idea how to handle this situation. His inability to process the situation was amplified when he realized how awkward getting her into the car was going to be as he drove a raised pickup with the bed filled with stuff he was stupposed to drop off for a friend the following morning. I won't go into too much detail about it but let's just say he had to pick her up and struggled a lot with jamming the wheelchair behind the bench seat in his car.
After 15 minutes of driving and dead silence Brohammer's date finally spoke up, "Sorry I didn't tell you about the wheelchair. If you don't want to actually go out my parents are leaving and we can just go back to my house to watch a movie". Flashes of getting her and her wheelchair in and out of his car 3 more times flashed in his head and he decided a movie night at her house would be a better idea.
Once they arrived at her house, she suggested the go see the backyard of her house first before settling in for a movie. Brohammer rolled his date out to an amazing backyard filled with fountains, a brick walkway, and a cement bench under a gorgeous old tree. Once his date got settled on the bench she grabbed him and started kissing him. Brohammer was shocked since they hadn't really talked much and the evening had been filled with nothing but awkward. He is a guy so of course he just went with it. After a few minutes of making out and a little under the sweater action she seductively whispers to him "Put me in the tree". Brohammer was beyond confused. "Hoist me up so I can hang from the tree!".
Brohammer did as he was told and put her in the tree so she was hanging at eye level with him. Then she told him "Take off my pants". What Brohammer neglected to remember was that she was missing the part of her leg that usually gives taking pants off a bit of resistance. He tugged really hard and his date came tumbling out of the tree onto the brick. "Put me back in the tree! Put me back in the tree" she screamed. Brohammer did. "Now take off your pants!" she demanded. He did and they began to have sex. Note to Women: I will NEVER understand men.
Things were going fine after that. Sure the evening had been a little weird but to a teenage boy sex is sex. After about 10 minutes of good ol' fashioned fun his date's eyes went completely wide and she started screaming "JASON GET BACK IN THE HOUSE!!!!". Brohammer turned around just as her parents entered the backyard to find her 7 year old brother standing directly behind them. Her father started screaming and, not knowing what to do, Brohammer grabbed his pants and ran for the side gate leaving his date stuck in the tree.
He never spoke to her again.
After telling me this story I sat staring wide eyed at Brohammer.
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Of course I am. GOTCHA!!".
Eternal Green Eggs of the Spotless Ham
I don't wish ill will on my exes. Despite the fact most of my past relationships ended with lies, deception, infidelity, and my feelings being crushed, I don't want anything bad to happen to them. I just want most of my exes to go away.
Lately, I have been bumping into my exes and their new significant others everywhere. Today my ex and his new girlfriend were canoodling in the food court of the mall, last week I found out another one of my exes is moving back to San Francisco, and I feel like I'm trapped in a bizarre version of Green Eggs and Ham when it comes to the girl Brohammer dumped me for.
I see her on a train.
I see her in the rain.
I see her here and there.
I see that bitch everywhere.
I wish my rhyme turned reality was a bit more like this:
I have seen her drowned in a moat
I have seen her sex tape with a goat
I have seen her here and there
Every time she had bad hair!
but alas such is not my fate. So since I'm a nice person and don't want them dead or for them to change their lifestyle I've decided that one of two things needs to happen. Someone needs to invent a similar machine used in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or a way for exes and their new significant others to appear not as they are. Something similar to the way the grim reapers hide their identities in Dead Like Me would work great!
If someone can get right on that I'd greatly appreciate it! Thanks!
Goodbye online dating. It’s been real. It’s been fun. It hasn’t been real fun.
Shocking News of the Day: I have closed all my online dating profiles. In fact, I may close most of my social networking accounts as well.
I would love to be able to tell you it's because I've met the future Mr. DatingisMiserable but mainly it's because 1) I'm insane and 2) as ironic, or perhaps hypocritical, as it may sound I'm sick of having everyone know everything about me and vice versa.
For example, by reading through my online profiles you will find out these (un)interesting bits of information about me.
- I am currently watching Teeth.
- I went to see The September Issue with my friend Rachel today.
- I have a ton of fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies in my house.
- I'm throwing a pub crawl this weekend.
- I sang Sunshine Day in the shower this morning.
- I broke up with The Lawyer via text.
Prior to going on Date Night with Stephdub, Stephanie and I got together and had an interesting discussion about (this is the very summed up version) how social networking is really just another form of stalking which makes internet dating not for her. I wish I could find the blog post she wrote about it over at Stephdub.com because it was pretty brilliant. (Steph if you read this link me!!). I had been thinking a lot about what we talked about since I was on her show but didn't really connect it all until today.
This evening while texting with a person of romantic interest, I found out he was at dinner. Through all of the social networking sites I found out what he ate, where he went, who he went with, and approximately what time he arrived. At this point I should point out I was actually NOT looking for this information. I was just surfing the internet. I felt like a stalker and I wasn't even trying to.
On top of that, when I went to a movie with my friend Rachel she told me 3 stories I already knew from Twitter.
Feeling like a stalker lead me to start thinking about the other main thing I do on the internet. NO NOT PORN YOU PERVERTS, date. I started cataloging all the men I met on the internet: The Guatemalan, The Rock Star, Brohammer, The Lawyer. You know what they added up to? Absolutely nothing. So why was I still doing it? I thought about it for awhile and couldn't figure it out so I disabled all my accounts. A little rash? Maybe but either way no more online dating for me.
Don’t mind me, I hate all men.
Day 1: Arthur Kade, the "Bad Boy" who doesn't understand women.
Day 2: Kyle, the "Nice Guy" who has accepted it.
Day 3: Keane, the "Good Guy" who doesn't date
Day 4: Peter DeWolf, the "Writer Guy" who has women all figured out
Day 5:: AvidRobert, the "Gay Nice Guy"
The FINAL DAY: Me
FACT: WOMEN NO LONGER WANT THE "NICE GUY".
We used to want the nice guy when the definition of the "Nice Guy" was a man who is polite, chivalrous, and committed. A man who listens when we talk. A man who respects our thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Since the definition of a "Nice Guy" has changed to a socially awkward sensitive doormat who lives in the friends zone pining away night after night in a pool of self pity over the "Bitchy Girls" who date the "Bad Boys" we no longer want it. Our standards have improved.
Let me clarify a little bit. Women want the old definition of the "Nice Guy" but we want him to have the cojones to make a move. I can't tell you the number of "Nice Guy"s I've fallen for who have never made a move despite the fact I've given them all the signs and I know for a fact they are into me. Usually I find out the latter when an inappropriate amount of time later (Ex: 2 years later 30 minutes into a 7 hour drive, when I have a boyfriend, and/or they have dated one of my friends) they drunkenly accost me and accuse me of never liking them and using them. If you can't tell "a little bitter" doesn't exactly cover it.
Society has made it appear there are only two kinds of guys and men willingly put themselves into one of two categories.The saddest part of all is the men of each category have been brow-beaten into believing women want what the other category has. "Bad Boys" walk around masquerading as the "Nice Guy". "Nice Guys" listen to moronic neanderthals like Mystery. Women have lost all ability to recognize the truly "Nice Guy".
Take Brohammer for instance. He was thoughtful, courteous, warm, caring, and easy to get along with. We met one another's friends, we made long range plans together, he called when he said he would, he was affectionate in public yet after six months of dating I discovered he was banging randoms from OKCupid, Match.com, and women he met in bars because he was "trying to figure out who he was and what he wanted". Typical "Bad Boy" playing the "Nice Guy". No matter how you look at that situation he pulled a completely dick move. Especially now that he's seriously dating one of his hos. The morning after I discovered this I had the pleasure of being on the bus with her. I expected her to be lovely since he dumped me for her but she was rude, bitchy, and lacked any form of bus etiquette. FACT: Dudes dig the "Bitchy Girls" just as much as women dig the "Bad Boys". Get off your pedestal alright boys?
Listen, I'm starting to get bitter, bitchy, and rather frustrated with the subject so here is what I'm going to do, I am gonig to set new rules GUIDELINES for dating that will help everyone stop freaking the fuck out. It will help break down the wall between "Nice Guy", "Bad Boy", "Bitchy Girl", and "Nice Girl" while letting everyone just be human. Just listen to me because as they say "those who can't do; teach".
1. There are no rules in dating.
Stop following a set of "rules". Every relationship and person is different. Waiting 3 days to call someone is stupid. Assuming "he's just not that into you" because he forgets to call you once is stupid.
2. Make a move.
This is mostly directed at men since I'm old fashioned and think men should make the first move(s). Even if you aren't 100% sure the other person is into you. MAKE A MOVE BEFORE YOU GET PUT IN THE FRIENDS' ZONE.
3. Be honest about your intentions.
Do what you say. Say what you mean. To help facilitate this I have made a form that covers all the primary bases. I encourage you to use it.....especially if you're romantically linked with me in any way. I can't play the guessing game anymore. It makes my brains hurt.
4. If your intentions have changed for whatever reason tell the person immediately.
It really sucks to hurt someone's feelings but the sooner you let them know your feelings have changed the better it will be for everyone else.
5. Don't be a selfish asshole.
Pretty self explanatory.
6. Listen to dating advice from the type of people you want to date.
If you are a heterosexual male ask women for advice on dating. Men are just going to tell you what they think women want.
7. Being a nice person doesn't mean lacking passion.
Us ladies really do want the classic definition of the "Nice Guy" but we occasionally want him to act like a "Bad Boy".
(Somewhat NSFW example)
Now go forth and date!!!!
Logging on and getting off.
Yesterday a friend of mine called me with a "911 get over here now" relationship emergency. Someone had alerted my friend that their significant other not only had a profile on a no strings attached sex website but the significant other was currently logged on. My friend, while having a mild panic attack, logged in to the dating website where they met and sure enough the significant other had logged in that day. I would like to say I was a rock of emotional support but that would be lying. I tried to tell my friend in the nicest of ways to get out and run away but realized I was pretty jaded and should probably keep my mouth shut.
Why am I so jaded you ask? Oh please keep reading.
It all started with The Guatemalan. I don't actually remember how I met The Guatemalan since shortly after we broke up I got spinal meningitis and find most of my memories from that year really fuzzy. What I do remember about him is how and why we broke up. While he did break up with me "officially", the fight started because a friend of mine found his profile on Adult Friend Finder. He was looking to join a couple for a MMW threesome. When I read this I went tearing through his house looking for more evidence of infidelity (hell hath no fury). What I found was a woman's business card, a photo album from the same woman with an intimate message written inside the front cover, and porn. Usually the pron wouldn't be my biggest concern but usually the porn doesn't include the back cover displaying a picture of my man balls deep in some co-eds mouth. To say I was livid would be an understatement.
Long story short. He came home. I demanded an explanation. He broke up with me because I don't like to dance.
My next tale of internet woe came from The "Rock Star". The "Rock Star" and I were a ridiculous match to begin with. He had a god awful band that his world revolved around. He was talented at one point but this band was a bad rip off of Breaking Benjamin, The Used, Fuel, and Sevendust. He thought they would be huge. I thought they were mediocre. A point of contention in our relationship was when he would play shows and come back with new phone numbers or suspicious looking text messages ending with things like "I can't wait to do that again 
" or "I can't remember the time I met such an awesome single guy". I should probably point out that we lived together. An easy solution would have been for me to go to his shows but considering I was 20 at the time I couldn't get into most venues. The venues I could go to he'd put me on merch sales and ignore me the entire night telling me it was "bad for the band's image" for him to have a girlfriend.
One of the breaking points came while I was getting my daily fix of craigslist. I stumbled upon an ad complaining how the poster's live in girlfriend wouldn't let him "finish" on her face (TRUE). The poster was seeking an on-going no strings attached arrangement to fulfill his needs. My idiot boyfriend made the mistake of posting his picture, complete with band name in the back, and using one of his middle names as his first name. He denied everything and insisted it was a fake ad he and his band mates posted one night while drinking. Note To The "Rock Star" : I checked your email almost the entire time we were together. I know that ad wasn't fake.
At the time I was suffering from a slight emotional breakdown issue mixed with a substance abuse problem brought on by my inability to deal with life that has since been dealt with that he more than willing to feed, so I let this behavior carry on the entire time we were dating.
Brohammer is who the future men in my life can thank for my new no tolerance policy. In the 6 months I dated Brohammer he logged on to match. com and OKC every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I guess I didn't fault him because I too was logging in. I was logging in to get blog fodder and to see what he was doing. He was trolling for ass. BIG DIFFERENCE THERE BUDDY. My new policy states that once I'm actually dating someone somewhat seriously (AKA I'm not interested in anyone else) I'm deleting or putting all my dating profiles on hold and asking them to do the same. If they don't I'm out of there.
If I've said it once I've said it a million times, I'm pretty sure Allah, Bill Gates, L Ron Hubbard or whoever envisioned the intawebz had no idea how much of it was going to be dedicated to porn and/or hooking up.
About
- I live in San Francisco, go on bad dates, drink a lot, and spend too much time on the internet.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...or you can just e-mail me.
Try out this online dating site.
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