Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

This letter makes me feel about | | <– that big.

In honor of it being April Fools' Day, (No one believed my joke and insisted on commenting on how my hypothetical offspring would be the spawn of Satan....a-holes) I decided to give my constant pointing-out-the-flaws-of-others a rest for a day. Today I will finally publish THE LETTER The Lawyer sent me when he found my blog in January. The letter makes me feel like such an overly critical bitch. I was, and still am, utterly speechless and haven't respond.

If you haven't been a follower for a very long I highly recommend you read our first date, second date, where it all went wrong, the breakup, and the last time I saw him before you read the following e-mail.

Hey Amanda,

I hope all is well.  So, I finally decided to read your dating blog (it wasn't hard to find).  I'm definitely impressed.  It's really funny, brutally honest, incredible heartfelt, and totally self-deprecating.  You have a real gift for writing, and I have no doubt that you will someday make a living doing just that.

I can't say that I liked everything I read about myself, but I also can't dispute any of the things you said about me (except maybe the race stuff, which we talked about).  And reading about myself was certainly an enlightening experience, as well as a little embarrassing.  All in all, however, I'm really glad you told me about your blog and that I read it.

Two emotions came to mind after reading "The Lawyer" entries.  The first emotion was gratitude.  Thank you for all of the nice things you said about me--and there were more than I thought there would be.  Specifically, I wanted to thank you for saying that my mom raised me right.  She did.  Any asshole behavior I exhibited during our brief affair I learned completely on my own.  I also wanted to thank you for asking your readers to keep me in their thoughts during my surgery in September (even though I wasn't aware of it at the time), and being genuinely concerned about my health.  That meant/means a lot to me.

The second emotion I felt was a desire to apologize for all the times I acted like a jackass--and there were many (and in such a short period of time).  I did some things that are truly out of character for me--most of which you mention in your blog.  For all of those things, I am truly sorry.

Unfortunately, you happened to meet me at one of the worst times in my life.  I was really sick--even more than I let on.  I was also in a lot of physical pain, which led to a lot of emotional pain.  I realize now that I shouldn't have been dating at all during that time, but I was trying desperately to keep some sense of normalcy in my life at a time when everything was falling apart.  So, what you got were glimpses of the real me (maybe more than just glimpses) and a lot of the "sick version" of me.  By dating you, I think I was trying to prove something to myself--maybe that I was still a strong, desirable man.  But whatever was going on in my head, I know that I never fully engaged with you or in our relationship.  And for that, I'm sorry.  It was a crappy thing to do.

Well, the good news is that I have managed to get a handle on my health issues, and have been feeling great since mid-December.  It is only now that I am feeling better that I realize how bad last year really was.  You know the only lesson you learn from being in the dark so long is to appreciate the light even more . . . and to appreciate the good people that come into your life.  You were one of those people (although I didn't appreciate it at the time).  So, even though we may not be romantically compatible (or, if I just blew it), I wanted to let you know that I think you are pretty bad-ass.  I also wish you the best of luck with your writing, and hope that you find a guy that will force you to blog about something else.  And finally, I hope that we can be friends because I really would like to get to know you outside of the dating context (if nothing else, I don't think I could stand any more of your withering critic).

Take care,

The Lawyer

The last line is what makes me feel like the worst person on the planet.