Mating rituals fascinate me.
Hippos create a sort of excrement fan with their tail and publicly shit themselves in front of their intended. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites they, literally, sword fight with their penises to decide who has to 'be the girl'. White-Fronted Parrots lock beaks in anticipation of coitus and then proceed to vomit back and forth into each other's mouthes. A female giraffe urinates into a male giraffe's mouth to determine whether or not they are compatible mates.
Current human dating rituals, especially in San Francisco, are as equally bizarre and disgusting. If you sleep with a person too soon you are an undateable skank but if you wait too long you're a prude. If you call too soon you're needy but if you wait you don't seem interested. It's all exhausting.
Take a buddy of mine that I hung out with last night, he's been out on a few dates with this girl (the last being on Saturday) who randomly texted him around 9 PM, while we were hanging out with his roommate.
"Hola [name]! R U still up?".
Now let me state I already do not approve of this girl, in this day and age of full keyboards on phones and unlimited text messages I find using abbreviations like R for are and U for you to be a completely unforgivable faux pas. I assure you 99% of my texts have the correct fully spelled out usage of their/there/they're and you're/your. The rest is either a horrible typo or I'm drunk.
Anyway, he responded within two minutes with
"Out with my roommate. At [bar]".
The girl did not respond for over 20 minutes. At this point my friend's roommate and I had pressured him into telling us everything about the girl and we realized she had violated quite a few modern dating etiquette rules.
1. The fake wallet grab.
It may be archaic but I really believe in the heterosexual dating situation the guy should pay for the first date. The girl should absolutely take her wallet out of her bag and/or offer to pay for some portion of the meal, drinks, etc even if she really has no intention of doing so.
Sidebar: In the event of a man paying for dinner the woman should suggest getting drinks and insist on paying for the first round as a thank you for dinner. It's just polite.
- My friend's girl had never even faked a wallet grab or offered to pay for a thing in the course of 3 dates.
2. Be affectionate
If you have been out with a person a few times and are interested in pursuing even a friendship I think it is important to show some level of affection. When Hot Dad jumped back about 6 feet when I attempted to hug him hello on our second date I was baffled and should have taken it as a sign. I think it is an easy indicator of your intentions.
- My friend's girl hasn't even tried to touch him in any way and immediately bolts when they say their goodbyes.
3. She has a myspace page.
- She calls herself a model and has a myspace page dedicated to it. Her pictures are mainly photos taken by a friend of her's who is a complete amateur. He labels most of his photos (of chicks in lingerie) 'iN dA rOoM'.
4. She has a tribal tramp stamp.
So anyway, my friend's roommate and I were in hysterics by the time she texted him back with
"I'm at [restaurant she works at]"
5. Don't booty call before you've had proper first time sex.
Sadly, this wasn't a booty call. She had actually done this to him before. Texted him late at night, invited him to her work, where he bought her drinks all night when she got off, and then they parted ways without so much as a playful knock on the chin.
Since my friend had no intention of leaving the 2 block radius we were in he texted her back,
"Cool. We're going to be in my hood tonight"
as a casual way of saying "I'm not leaving where I am but you are free to come out".
Of course she ceased all communication with him.
As I told him this morning via text
I hope we didn't give you too much shit last night. You know I love you and want you to be with someone who will treat you right. I have high standards for my [embarassing nickname]...even if I'm the lowest standard you have. Move that magnificent face on to the next victim.
And on the subject of mating rituals. There is one I will NEVER understand.
I'm having the shittiest day (that I will blog about in greater detail later) so when I got to FirstName LastName's house just now all I wanted was a beer.
AND OF COURSE WE'RE OUT. We drank the last of it when we made tacos the other night.
I didn't want to open up any of the wine and we're out of sake so I started scrounging around his condo for something that resembled an alcoholic beverage.
And I found the makings of a vanilla rice milk white russian.
Not sure quite what to make of that.
"As my friend's dad once told us, the things that will truly test your friendship/relationship/tolerance for anyone in general are called Carfarbars.
You must go on a long road trip together OR travel to a new and unfamiliar place together OR get extremely drunk to the verge of alcohol poisoning together, to know if you can truly get along. If you still like each other at the end of one of these experiences, you’ll probably keep liking each other for the foreseeable future."
- My friend Tabitha
I don't have the best track records with vacations and boyfriends.
Brohammer and I went camping as our first official trip away and that ended in copious amounts of disaster.
Due to the fact "The Man" was in law school, we never actually got to take a real vacation together. Our first "official vacation" was an epically bizarre Christmas involving a blizzard with his overly-religious parents who never eat vegetables (which lead to him being unaware 1) you could eat peas raw and 2) peas should not be grey when 'fully cooked' - full story can be heard here on my latest appearance on Date Night with Steph Dub) and my wine making/garden in the backyard/hippie-esque loudmouth family. Disastrous does not even begin to sum it up.
Then there was my trip to Europe with my abusive asshole of an ex-boyfriend where he decided to get drunk one night, completely overreact to something I said, and get into a fistfight with our host which I decided to attempt to break up thus ruining most of our vacation and the rest of our relationship.
So saying I was a bit nervous about taking a trip with FirstName LastName is a bit of an understatement.
FirstName LastName and I arrived in New Orleans late on Thursday night. After checking into our gorgeous and well located hotel we headed over to a place recommended by my foodie/boozer extraordinaire friend, Quinn, for a delicious peanut butter bacon burger and a beer.
I started to tense up at this point since FirstName LastName is super in shape and super healthy and while I run....man do I like to nosh down on a good burger sometimes. I realized everything was okay when 2 bites into my half of the burger I look over and his half was already completely demolished.
Crisis #1 Averted
Friday involved a lot of walking around and taking in the sites. Eventually we hit the pool after discovering both of us wanted to stay as far away from Bourbon Street as humanly possible. As we lounged around the pool these 2 couples approached us.
Guy: "Where you guys from?"
FirstName LastName: "San Francisco"
Guy: "What do you do? You must do like a thousand sit ups a day"
FirstName LastName: "Medical services, it's kind of part of the job"
Guy: "What are you guys doing tonight?"
FirstName LastName: "Probably hit Frenchman Street, grab some dinner, and chill out"
Guy: "You guys should come to Bourbon Street with us tonight."
-Awkward Pause-
Guy: "'Cause you know the Swinger Convention is in town"
-Awkward Pause-
Guy: "And we're going to go grab some appetizers and drinks later. You should come with us"
-Awkward Pause-
FirstName LastName: "Umm yeah I think we're going to stick to Frenchman Street"
Guy: "Okay well look us up later"
The couples walked away and FirstName LastName and I both burst out laughing. It absolutely wasn't either of our scene.
Crisis #2 Averted
We lounged around the pool for a little while longer before deciding to head down to our room. The elevator stopped at a floor between the pool and our room and standing there were our "new friends".
Guy: -in a style similar to Herbert- "Hey you two! We're going for appetizers at La Bayou! Come join us!"
-We frantically hit 'Door Close'-
Friday night brought Frenchman Street and Harrah's (where I won $163 on Pai Gow Poker and a video poker machine!). Thankfully FirstName LastName was totally cool when I got the glazed over gamblin' look in my eye. I played Pai Gow for a good hour and a half and NEVER lost a hand. I also hit so many straights and full houses the pit boss came over to watch me suspiciously for awhile. FirstName LastName kind of did his own thing while I went into the gamblin' man trance and was really cool about me getting all crazy. Thankfully, I do know when and how to walk away from the table so no problems there.
Crisis #3 Averted
Saturday proved too hot to do much of anything, plus most of New Orleans closes at 3 PM so we ate some beignets followed by a bunch of oysters and fried crab legs (no problem on the oyster front this time! Crisis #4 Averted!) and napped because Saturday night brought the tasting menu at Commander's Palace . I was pretty nervous about this because I wanted the wine pairings with the tasting menu and as I said before, FirstName LastName isn't the biggest of eaters/drinkers. By the time we hit the salmon, his favorite thing on the planet, I could tell he was in heaven.
Crisis #5 averted.
Sunday involved more walking around, a trip to Algiers, a third run in with our "new friends", some more oysters, and a drive to Kenner where I checked into my crappy airport hotel and FirstName LastName drove to his work meeting.
No fights. No misunderstandings. No problems whatsoever. It was an absolutely perfect first vacation.
Well as long as you exclude the guy in Walgreens who kept screaming about how rude I was because I *gasp* dared to walk down the same aisle he was in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhHgrrQGDpk
I probably didn't introduce FirstName LastName to my running friends in the most appropriate and/or mellow of situations. Lots of people. A metric ton of alcohol. Loud music. And to top it all off, he was slightly concerned my friends might be very young and immature because **gasp** FirstName LastName is 11 years older than I am!!!
So it didn't help when he arrived at the house where we started the night out he was greeted with some random person throwing up outside of the party with some guy who looked like the president of the League of Junior Gang Bangers. I still have no idea who those people were or why they were at the house :-/
While FirstName LastName liked my running friends I think he is concerned I may be a secret raging alcoholic (I totally am....but he doesn't need to know that yet now does he?) which makes him just ever so leery.
ANYWAY, on one of our first dates we talked about birthdays and how we both totally love them. He likes to go out of town and do something active. I like to stay home and throw huge parties. He told me to mark my calendar for his birthday because if we were still together he'd like me to go with him. So Tuesday night while I was in the shower it suddenly dawned on me.
FirstName LastName's birthday is the same day as my next half marathon.
This normally wouldn't be a big deal as I would just train for the race and not run it but you see, this training season I've decided to fundraise for Larkin Street Youth Services which means I am more than committed to running the race.
Which, by the way, if you feel the need to donate to my fundraising efforts, and to an organization providing the full spectrum of services needed to help San Francisco’s most vulnerable youth move beyond life on the street, you can do so >HERE<. You will also receive the most kick ass thank you card from me! Or if your company desperately needs to sponsor me or match me dollar for dollar you can e-mail me here. Or if you're an apparel company and want to work out a promotional deal I'm open to that as well. Basically what I am saying is I'm willing to whore myself and my blog out for donations!! DONATE DONATE DONATE...please?
As I was saying, FirstName LastName's birthday is the same day as the half marathon I am morally obligated to run. I told him the second I realized it (wearing nothing but a towel in the hopes he wouldn't be able to get angry at a scantily clad woman) and he gave me his usual "really it's no big deal" smile....even though I know it is a big deal but he's just too nice of a guy to tell me. No matter what, it's a big deal to me even if it isn't a big deal to him.
Should I feel as bad about this as I do? WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!
Dear The Bartender At R Bar Who Was Working Last Night (4/26) Around 10:00 PM Whose Name I Believe is Chris:
This isn't the first time I've needed to thank you.
Remember that time I left my credit card at the bar after a night of spewing swear words and jumping off bar stools and telling crass jokes/stories all night? Remember how you gave me minimal shit the next day when I came back to pick up my card so I tipped you super extra?
Thanks for that.
Remember Zane's birthday a few years ago? I assure you Zane doesn't. Instead of throwing him out when he passed out in the bar or calling the cops when he literally passed out in the gutter directly outside of the bar you just tracked me down to make sure he got home okay.
Thanks for that.
Remember the time you thought you saw some guy slip something in my drink and you immediately poured me a fresh beer and had his ass quickly removed from the bar?
Thanks for that.
Remember last night? When a guy I was on the borderline of having real feelings for lamented at length about, basically, what a whore I am because during the few months we've been extremely casually seeing each other I've dated and slept with someone else. Remember how he told me repeatedly that no one would ever take me seriously because I write a stupid dating blog? Remember how he kept telling me he was just giving me 'feedback' despite the fact I was literally sobbing? Remember how devastated I was because someone I considered a friend basically looked at me and said 'I only hang out with you because the sex is decent even though I know I could do a lot beter.' ? Remember how you never let my glass of Fernet get completely empty? Remember how you quickly cleared my mountain of soggy tissues whenever the stack got embarrassingly large? Remember how when things got really intense you came over to break it up?
Seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are amazing.
Love,
Amanda
I get a surprisingly large amount of email from my readers asking random questions. I thought it would be somewhat amusing if every once in awhile I answered a few of them. I've also included some questions that relate to the most popular search terms used to find my site.
Part 1 can be seen here.
1. Where do you meet these guys?!
Contrary to popular belief I do not pick men up in bars. I've met them on the internet, through friends, at bars twice, my running group etc. There is no stock answer where NOT to meet crazy people.
And if there is I don't know about it.
2. Considering the men you find yourself choosing, do you in fact actually want a relationship?
Up until recently, absolutely. As of right this second, I barely want to be in a room with a man. There are only so many negative experiences one person can manage without going insane and wearing cat sweatshirts.
3. So...do you want to go out on a date, NOW?
Only one man has been able to lure me out of the warm barrier I call my computer. I can't imagine I would do it again (had nothing to do with him) but thank you for asking. Now please stop asking.
3. What should I do after being stood up?
A shot of whiskey.
You were stood up for a reason that probably has nothing to do with you. Do not contact the person in any way. If the person who stood you up wishes to make amends THEY have to make the first move. That (and what I'm about to say) is something I have to remind myself constantly.
If you have been hurt or wronged it is not your responsibility to attempt to rectify the situation.
4. Would you like to review my book/tv show/dating service?
Yes I would!
5. What is it really like having your dating life so open?
In one word, weird.
Let's go over a typical day (yesterday) in my life.
8:30 AM - hit snooze 700 times.
9:45 AM - Talk to my sister
10:00 AM - Get to "real job"
10:00 AM - 1:30 PM - talk to lady friends about how amazing their boyfriends are, my latest miserable dating experience, and Lady Gaga while writing annoying blog posts that only I think are funny.
1:30 PM - Realize I haven't eaten all day and run out to get food before I pass out and die
1:35 PM - Talk to sister.
2:00 PM - 5:30 PM - Twitter, Facebook, write more blog posts for future use that never see the light of day, and gchat to friends in ALL CAPS to express frustrations while pretending I actually have stuff to do at work.
5:35 PM - Talk to sister
6:00 PM - Find out I don't have dinner reservations as previously thought and was only on a waiting list.
6:05 PM - Decide to visit Rachel and her boyfriend in the East Bay.
6:10 PM - Talk to sister.
7:30 PM - Am finally introduced to Rachel's boyfriend's friend who I "just HAVE to meet". Feel awkward, pudgy, and uninteresting. Think he is cute, nice, shy and uninterested
8:15 PM - Drunk. Think about calling sister.
11:10 PM - On BART. Think about calling sister.
12:20 AM - Am outraged to discover friend has been trashing my blog and, more importantly, me to a group of mutual friends.
12:22 AM - Send strongly worded text message to friend.
12:23 AM - Very proud of self for drunkenly using "disdain" correctly in a sentence.
12:25 AM - Con friend/neighbor into going to the bar so I can complain about Mr. "I don't want anything serious. Oh just kidding! I have a girlfriend even though I banged you. Sorry for lying and being a jerk of a friend", the recent blow up we had, the fact he hasn't called, feelings of inadequacy, and depression caused by feelings of friend loss.
12:30 AM - End up discussing friend/neighbor's "amazing boyfriend" instead.
12:35 AM - Want to shoot self in face.
12:37 AM - Drink more.
12:38 AM - Remember I'm on a self imposed no-booze until my 1/2 Marathon in May.
12:39 AM - Drink anyway.
1:40 AM - Think about texting Mr. "I don't want anything serious. Oh just kidding! I have a girlfriend even though I banged you. Sorry for lying and being a jerk of a friend" to ask if we're "not talking" or just not talking.
1:40:05 AM - Remember NO DOUCHEBAGGERY 2010!
1:41 AM - Have drunken text conversation with male friend who routinely restores my faith in men.
1:42 AM - Blacked Out Drunk Friend hits on me with seemingly serious offer to cheat on girlfriend
1:43 AM - Begin to truly despise all males.
2:00 AM - Eat pizza.
2:05 AM - Feel better
2:10 AM - Drunkenly read blog comments telling me what a shite dater I am.
2:12 AM - HATE EVERYONE
2:13 AM - Remember that I really am a shite dater.
2:15 AM - Pass out watching Ella Enchanted.
8:30 AM - Wake up completely confused as to what Ella Enchanted is and why I was watching it.
Neil Strauss has been ruining my life since I was 15.
In high school I borrowed The Long Hard Road Out of Hell from a friend to read during Silent Reading in English a few mere weeks before the Columbine shootings. Shortly after Columbine the same friend was expelled for having a "Hit List" posted on his website and every school authority figure began scrutinizing the wardrobe, reading material, music selections, and piercings of the student body. My reading selection, and most importantly its origin, was not approved and I narrowly escaped suspension.
3 years ago on a flight to Las Vegas I was reading How To Make Love Like A Porn Star. I was so engrossed in the book I failed to realize on the opposite page was a rather lurid nude photo of Jenna Jameson. The nice older (late 60's or early 70's) woman sitting to my right was not amused. I was so incredibly mortified when she lectured me on the way a proper lady should act and demanded I put the book away.
Around the same time as the Vegas flight I was reading The Dirt and found I literally couldn't take the book out in public because every single man I encountered would stop me to ask about it. This would have been amazing had I been single at the time. Note To Women: That book is a dude magnet.
And you don't even want to get me started on what The Game has done to men and dating.
So when my friend Chris forwarded me the following e-mail with a note saying "We should send something in" I was most interested in the slight chance of meeting the man, and his minions, who had caused me so much trouble.
As you know Style has been traveling the world working on a new book. But in a few days he'll be back in L.A. and ready to party like there is no tomorrow for the Stylelife Anniversary.
This Saturday March 27 Style will be hosting the official Stylelife Anniversary party at the hottest club in Hollywood, and he's offering you a spot on the VIP list. The club which is always packed is giving us a small limited number of free spots to give out to friends. So if you want to be on that exclusive list here's the checklist of what you need to do:
a. Be absolutely certain you're free this Saturday night...don't put your name down and then not be able to show.
b. You must be accompanied by a female friend or date this is, after all, a hot club, not a seduction lair meeting. If you don't have a date right now, then stop reading and go sarge one!
c. Finally, if you can meet the two conditions above,send us an email right now to with the headline: STYLELIFE ANNIVERSARY PARTY. Along with your request, include your full name. And just for fun in the body of your email in 100 words or less tell us what you would get Stylelife for its birthday?
Your friend,
The Sneak
So Chris and I sent in our answer (For Stylelife's birthday I would get it a fine suit, a well mixed cocktail, and a blow job from the coat check girl and and her sister, but you know... only if she's hot.) and we were both very intrigued and surprised to receive:
Amanda & Christopher,
Loved the response. You guys are in!
We will be meeting up at Neil's house @ 8:30pm PST tomorrow night (Sat. March 27).
From there we will be headed out to a club in West Hollywood called Trousdale.
There is very limited space on the guest list so please only bring yourselves.
Congrats, I look forward to meeting you.
If you have any trouble finding the place you can phone me on my cell.
-XXXXXX, Stylelife Marketing Director
Now before this Chris and I had only been half serious about going, but the opportunity to go to Neil Strauss's house was something we couldn't pass up. Cue last minute rental car acquiring and getting 3/4 of the way to Los Angeles before realizing we didn't have a hotel.
Now here is the part you've been waiting for. Here is the part where I tell you the house was some PR stunt rental and there were hundreds of people vying for Neil's attention. The part where I graphically depict all the cavorting strippers and porn stars doing lines of blow off one another. The part where I tell you I felt like I had been lead into some kind of sex lair and disgusting sleazy slimeball men hit on me all night.
Except none of that happened.
Chris and I arrived at Neil's modest yet still impressive home and were quickly ushered in to the 20-ish person party by the Marketing Director and introduced to Neil. Neil was completely warm, mixed us a drink himself, introduced us to the crowd (primarily consisting of his friends and employees), and showed us around his house (including his framed hate mail from Phil Collins!).
Neil was surprising. Sure I had seen him do interviews where he comes across as nice, funny, and mild mannered but I assumed the man who wrote The Game had an inner evil so black and predatory it would run you over in person. Neil's girlfriend was an even bigger surprise. I assumed she'd be hot, young, and vapid. The first two were incredibly true but the latter was not. She was just as warm and friendly as Neil came across and she makes amazing beef jerky.
That's not a euphemism for anything.
Neil and his girlfriend had made beef jerky for everyone and at one point his girlfriend practically force fed me a chocolate tortilla chip. The party, Neil, and his "entourage" were nothing like I expected. I also think there were only 2 other "couples" there who didn't know Neil before that night. Small. Intimate. Completely lacking in douchebaggery.
Even moving to the club surprised me. I fully expected to get to the club, say a quick hello to the group, Chris and I would grab a drink while they all hung out, and we'd head home but au contraire! We swung by the table to say hi and Neil immediately threw out an "Amanda, sit!!! Meet my friend Jessica!" (who was a an absolute delight) and Chris and I hung out with them until I had drank way too much
Sidebar: After drinking too much and hearing Tik Tok approximately 20 times on the drive down to LA, there is now video of me, that will never see the light of day, asking Chris if he knows what Cheerios are made of and then answering with "Whoa-oh-oh-ohs". Almost as good as when Zane sent me a text saying "Found a great burger joint in NYC but it was ruined when they started playing Lady Gaga" and I responded with "Didn't you order your burger RAW RAW RAW RAW RAW??".
Also, can someone explain to me why EVERY STRAIGHT MAN I KNOW TURNS JUST A TAD GAY WHEN THEY HEAR TIK TOK!?!? Seriously Chris, The Dude, and about 4 other male friends of mine start busting out the most righteous dance moves when they hear that song. It is a mystery of modern science!
ANYWAY, Chris and I hung out with them until I had drank way too much, everyone else was making out with their significant others, and Chris looked exhausted.
That's it. End of Story. It was a fantastic party and a pleasure to meet a writer I really admire who reminded me of the old adage you can't judge a book by its cover.
My attempt at explaining part of the night via stick figure to an uninvolved friend
Last night my friend, Crystal, and I attended the 20 Something Blogger Tequila Tweet Up. What started off as just a margarita and some mild blogophere networking turned into the most surreal ridiculous night ever. I am beyond thrilled Crystal was there to witness a night of my ridiculous life as some of my stories are so unbelievable I have trouble believing them myself the next morning.
So, Crystal and I finally found the meet up in a busy tequila bar WAY downtown. Crystal and I had poured over the guestlist prior to the event to scope out people we wanted to meet and/or collaborate on stuff with. We met the organizer and after some time I finally had the balls to ask her about the authors of the blog we were most excited about, "So, are the two really hot sex blogger guys coming?". The organizer paused, laughed, and answered, "Oh you mean the guy I'm kinda seeing and his friend?"
Foot meet mouth.
No biggie. I do stuff like that daily. So, despite my bright red face, (Yes, I blush when embarrassed. After years of doing stupid things my embarrassment fuse is pretty long but when it happens oh man, Kool-Aid man face like whoa!) I quickly recovered.
**I would link to both the girlfriend's blog and the sex bloggers' blog, both are great reading material, but part of their shtick is appearing single**
Around this time I excused myself to the bathroom to compose myself. As I walked to the bathroom out of nowhere I heard a voice I prayed to every available deity I would never ever have to hear again. There sat "The Man" with a group of friends I wasn't familiar with.
I should point out I haven't seen even a picture of him since we broke up....well excluding the time I caught him canoodling with a really good, now ex, friend (her doing not mine!) in Walgreens right by my work. Finding out that way instead of being told is a b-i-t-c-h.
Anyway, seeing "The Man" wasn't that big of a deal, more annoying than anything else.
I returned to the section of the bar the meet up had taken over only to spot another friend!!!! I was most excited by the coincidental meeting. I don't believe he shared my sentiment. He introduced me to the woman he was with, who was there for the meet up, but seemed oddly tense and uncomfortable with the chance encounter so I went back to my table and he left without saying goodbye.
I should point out this guy also takes every available chance to tell me he's not attracted to me. I don't think I've ever shown any interest in him like that but his behavior confuses me. Maybe he wasn't being weird at all and it was in my head but, either way, I thought we were becoming moderately good friends so my feelings were mildly hurt.
So when I went back to my table a girl and I started to chat. She mentioned she was from Sacramento and as an Ex-Sacramentarian I felt compelled to dig further
"Actual Sacramento or outside?".
"Oh this small town. No one has heard of it"
"Well I'm from Rocklin, so try me."
"Holy crap! I'm Rocklin '01"
"Really?! I'm Rocklin '02"
The girl and I compared friends, events, etc to see if we had a strong friend link (we did) and there is a good chance she ran with the group of bitchy choir girls who made my life hell. I was incredibly awkward in high school. If you ever meet me in person I encourage you to ask me about my three most humiliating high school experiences. The stories are epic.
I finally hop on MUNI to meet up with some friends. The bus is surprisingly crowded so I have to stand. A few minutes into the ride a man taps me on the shoulder and offers me his seat. I protested a bit but he was so polite and I was wearing heels so I thanked him profusely and took the seat. Then he had the balls to ask, "So when are you due?"
Let's get a few things fucking straight here Bus Guy, yes, I am not super thin. I'm 5'5", like140 lbs and some change (I VERY RARELY weigh myself), I run like 4 times a week, I eat rather healthy, I will admit I'm not toned in any way shape or form BUT I am thin enough to put up a picture of my gut to prove that I DON'T ACTUALLY LOOK PREGNANT (please note how well Death Bruise is healing!). Also, Bus Guy, I'm 100% sure I'm not pregnant but thanks for inquiring.
The rest of the night held the same tone. I think I accidentally crashed a friend's date, my friends were 45 minutes late to the bar so I got to listen to two drunk buffoons babble over whether or not I was being stood up, and my feet hurt.
I woke up pretty defeated this morning but then looked at the bar stamp on my wrist and could only think of something my ex-fauxgirlfriend Tiffany told me, "I should be crying but it's just too damn funny".
I was very surprised to receive a Valentine this morning. I was even more surprised it came from Zane........until I opened it:
Zane: Check the Valentine's Day card I sent you.
Me: HAHAHA am I trolling or am I the alcoholic?
Zane: Baby you know we're each both
Me: True Luff
