Advice « Dating is Miserable

11Aug/107

Anthropology

Mating rituals fascinate me.

Hippos create a sort of excrement fan with their tail and publicly shit themselves in front of their intended. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites they, literally, sword fight with their penises to decide who has to 'be the girl'. White-Fronted Parrots lock beaks in anticipation of coitus and then proceed to vomit back and forth into each other's mouthes. A female giraffe urinates into a male giraffe's mouth to determine whether or not they are compatible mates.

Current human dating rituals, especially in San Francisco, are as equally bizarre and disgusting. If you sleep with a person too soon you are an undateable skank but if you wait too long you're a prude. If you call too soon you're needy but if you wait you don't seem interested. It's all exhausting.

Take a buddy of mine that I hung out with last night, he's been out on a few dates with this girl (the last being on Saturday) who randomly texted him around 9 PM, while we were hanging out with his roommate.

"Hola [name]! R U still up?".

Now let me state I already do not approve of this girl, in this day and age of full keyboards on phones and unlimited text messages I find using abbreviations like R for are and U for you to be a completely unforgivable faux pas. I assure you 99% of my texts have the correct fully spelled out usage of their/there/they're and you're/your. The rest is either a horrible typo or I'm drunk.

Anyway, he responded within two minutes with

"Out with my roommate. At [bar]".

The girl did not respond for over 20 minutes. At this point my friend's roommate and I had pressured him into telling us everything about the girl and we realized she had violated quite a few modern dating etiquette rules.

1. The fake wallet grab.
It may be archaic but I really believe in the heterosexual dating situation the guy should pay for the first date. The girl should absolutely take her wallet out of her bag and/or offer to pay for some portion of the meal, drinks, etc even if she really has no intention of doing so.
Sidebar: In the event of a man paying for dinner the woman should suggest getting drinks and insist on paying for the first round as a thank you for dinner. It's just polite.
- My friend's girl had never even faked a wallet grab or offered to pay for a thing in the course of 3 dates.

2. Be affectionate
If you have been out with a person a few times and are interested in pursuing even a friendship I think it is important to show some level of affection. When Hot Dad jumped back about 6 feet when I attempted to hug him hello on our second date I was baffled and should have taken it as a sign. I think it is an easy indicator of your intentions.
- My friend's girl hasn't even tried to touch him in any way and immediately bolts when they say their goodbyes.

3. She has a myspace page.
- She calls herself a model and has a myspace page dedicated to it. Her pictures are mainly photos taken by a friend of her's who is a complete amateur. He labels most of his photos (of chicks in lingerie) 'iN dA rOoM'.

4. She has a tribal tramp stamp.

So anyway, my friend's roommate and I were in hysterics by the time she texted him back with

"I'm at [restaurant she works at]"

5. Don't booty call before you've had proper first time sex.
Sadly, this wasn't a booty call. She had actually done this to him before. Texted him late at night, invited him to her work, where he bought her drinks all night when she got off, and then they parted ways without so much as a playful knock on the chin.

Since my friend had no intention of leaving the 2 block radius we were in he texted her back,

"Cool. We're going to be in my hood tonight"

as a casual way of saying "I'm not leaving where I am but you are free to come out".

Of course she ceased all communication with him.

As I told him this morning via text

I hope we didn't give you too much shit last night. You know I love you and want you to be with someone who will treat you right. I have high standards for my [embarassing nickname]...even if I'm the lowest standard you have. Move that magnificent face on to the next victim.

And on the subject of mating rituals. There is one I will NEVER understand.

Tagged as: Advice, Bar, Dating, Friends, Hot Dad, San Francisco, Sex 7 Comments

9Aug/102

Dating Advice of the Day

"You can't trust girls. When I get a girlfriend I am not going to tell her where I live or work."
- Seb Thorne

Tagged as: Advice, Lol 2 Comments

7Jul/103

I was probably doomed anyway.

My friend Cy posted on her tumblr a link to this article on The Daily Beast about the 15 Signs You'll Get Divorced.

1. If you're a woman who got married before the age of eighteen, your marriage faces a 48 percent likelihood of divorce within ten years.
Phew! I'm an old maid and now proud of it!

2. If you're a woman who wants a child—either a first child or an additional child—much more strongly than your spouse does, your marriage is more than twice as likely to end in divorce as the marriages of couples who agree on how much they do or don't want a child.
FirstName LastName and I are both pretty "maybe" about kids.

3. If you have two sons, you face a 36.9 percent likelihood of divorce, but if you have two daughters, the likelihood rises to 43.1 percent.
Okay so just one child. Got it.

(Note To Sister: YOU'RE SCREWED)

4. If you're a man with high basal testosterone, you're 43 percent more likely to get divorced than men with low testosterone levels.
Have FirstName LastName's testosterone levels checked - DONE
If too high start feeding him ridiculous amounts of soy. I don't give a crap how many people say men who eat a lot of soy don't have testosterone problems, I know 4, all who were vegetarians as children, who do!

5. If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, you are 22.7 percent more likely to divorce before that child turns eight years old than parents of a child without ADHD.
Explains my parents divorce. THANKS TO MY BROTHER! Woo Hoo, not my fault after all!

6. If you are currently married but have cohabited with a lover other than your current spouse, you are slightly more than twice as likely to divorce than someone who has never cohabited.
Crap.

7. If you didn't smile for photographs early in life, your marriage is five times more likely to end in divorce than if you smiled intensely in early photographs.
Ummmm, I think I'm okay - (1, 2, 3, 4)

8. If your child has died after the twentieth week of pregnancy, during labor, or soon after labor, you are 40 percent more likely to divorce than if you had not lost a child.
TBD.

9. If you're a woman who has recently been diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis, your marriage is six times more likely to end in divorce than if your husband had been diagnosed with those diseases instead.
'Cause men are shady bastards and can't deal when people get sick. **Fingers Crossed**

10. If you're a Caucasian woman and you're separated from your spouse, there's a 98 percent chance that you'll be divorced within six years of that separation; if you're a Hispanic woman, the likelihood is 80 percent; if you're an African-American woman, the likelihood is 72 percent.
Kill Whitey!

11. If you're a dancer or choreographer, you face a 43.05 percent likelihood of divorce, compared with mathematicians, who face a 19.15 percent likelihood, and animal trainers, who face a 22.5 percent likelihood.
Guess I'm going back to school to be a mathematician. 2 + 2 is still 4, right?

12. If you're a farmer or rancher, you face only a 7.63 percent likelihood of divorce, joined by other low-risk occupations such as nuclear engineers, who face a 7.29 percent likelihood, and optometrists, who face a mere 4.01 percent likelihood.
Fuck numbers! I am going to become a cow optometrist!

13. If either you or your spouse have suffered a brain injury, your marriage faces a 17 percent chance of ending in divorce.
Does spinal meningitis here?

14. If you're an African-American woman, your first marriage has a 47 percent likelihood of ending in divorce within ten years; for Hispanic women, the likelihood is 34 percent; for Caucasian women, it's 32 percent; for Asian women, it's 20 percent.
Hrmph.

15. If you're a woman serving actively in the military, your marriage is 250 percent more likely to end in divorce than that of a man serving actively in the military.
Thankfully, that will never be a problem. Also, men suck. They don't stick around when things get tough!

Tagged as: Advice, FAIL, Family, FirstName LastName, Note To Me, Note To Men, Note To Women, Weddings, Work 3 Comments

1Jul/108

Dating Advice of the Day

One afternoon I was heading off to drinks with friends. I had just had my hair cut, thus styled, I was feeling thin, and wearing something cute. It was a warm day and life was looking up. While I can't say I was strutting, mainly because I don't know if I could ever strut and if I could it would be to Bad Romance which had yet to be released, I was pretty darn close to it.

OUT OF NOWHERE A PIGEON. DIVE BOMBED. MY HEAD. and I was left, literally, shrieking on the ground of some busy San Francisco street.

Just like that damn pigeon, one of FirstName LastName's friends has ruined the surreal bubble of happiness I was/am in.

It doesn't matter how it came up but a bit ago one of FirstName LastName's friends stated I was absolutely not FirstName LastName's type. It was also stated we would never work out and that the friend hoped I was at least going to jump start FirstName LastName back into dating.

That my dear friends is when the Dating is Miserable Monster reared it's ugly head.

I can't get it out of my head that I'm not the super model, Mother Teresa, attorney who gives thoughtful gifts and hour long blow jobs that I imagine his ex to be or that his friend, someone who knows FirstName LastName better than I do, thinks I'm not good enough or that I talk way too much and am incredibly klutzy.

(Did I tell you guys when FirstName LastName and I were out running I fell and totally jacked my wrist up and had tons of bruises?!?)

Just as I was really about to lose my mental stability and turn into a jumbling mess of insecurity, despite talking to FirstName LastName and being overly reassured this opinion is not considered valid, I received a very out of left field e-mail from a friend that, despite the first paragraph which was left in for for comedic purposes only, left me feeling much calmer about life and dating.

I still just don't understand why you and [This Guy] aren't together. I just don't get it... Not that I don't think FirstName LastName is amazing but I cant help but be on team [This Guy]. I feel like this could be equated to Twilight. (I don't care that you think it's stupid you should still read the books.) You are obviously Bella and I like Edward but I have a soft spot for the confused, misguided Jacob. Thoughts?

Lately I think everyone I know is going through the same thing (me included). It's our age group I think. We all are trying to make our lives move in the RIGHT direction yet around every turn we second guess ourselves and are scared to make mistakes. It's rough. Nothing ever seems to be perfect but we keep striving for perfection. A wise man (Aldous Snow - "Get Him To The Greek") once said, "When life gives you a Jeffrey, pet the furry wall!". Aka, just roll with it, it'll work out.

Right?

New Dating Mantra: Pet the furry wall, my friend.

Tagged as: Advice, Exes, FirstName LastName, Friends, Lol, Stupid Things I Do 8 Comments

29Jun/105

Dating Advice of the Day

"As my friend's dad once told us, the things that will truly test your friendship/relationship/tolerance for anyone in general are called Carfarbars.

You must go on a long road trip together OR travel to a new and unfamiliar place together OR get extremely drunk to the verge of alcohol poisoning together, to know if you can truly get along. If you still like each other at the end of one of these experiences, you’ll probably keep liking each other for the foreseeable future."

- My friend Tabitha

Tagged as: Advice, Bar, Friends 5 Comments

28Jun/100

Dating Advice of the Day

Friend: HEAD TO EXPLODE
FLIRTING ACTUALLY WORKED AND PATIENCE
me: OMFG
this is groundbreaking news
I must tell everyone

Tagged as: Advice, Dating, Friend No Comments

17Jun/105

Dating Advice of the Day

Friend 1: The guy I have a date with is a big nerd.
Friend 2: Well as long as he can fuck and carry a heavy suitcase.....

Tagged as: Advice, Dating, Friends, Lol 5 Comments

31May/1021

“in” love

My friend, Bonnie, asked me a question the other day about dating to which I had/have absolutely no answer for.

"What is the difference, if any, between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" in regards to a significant other?"

As per my usual bumbling self, I couldn't come up with a great answer or definition. I felt like this highly intoxicated kid trying to explain whether the chicken or the egg came first, or the theory of relativity, or where the best shwarma is in Isla Vista......actually I have no idea what that kid was trying to explain but it's really funny.

Where was I? Oh yes, so my friend Bonnie posed the question of "love" vs "in love" to me and I got all Robin SparklesScherbatsky with the "but...um" attempt at definition.

So help a girl out and give her a better definition than I could!

Tagged as: Advice, Friends, Question 21 Comments

18May/106

Dating Advice of the Day

me: ugh I think I'm dying
vic: i am dying of obvs throat cancer!
my dying > your dying
me: i'm sorry you're dying
maybe you should stop giving so many blowjobs :/
vic: NO!
you dunno nothing
that's how you get them to put a ring on it
then you can stop