Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

The amputee in a tree.

Last night my friend Rachel, in an attempt to get me out of my depressive shame spiral, forced me out of my house to go see New York, I Love You. Probably not the best movie for me to go see since I'm currently on a "I should move to New York" kick. One of my favorite vinettes was with Anton Yelchin (of Charlie Bartlett and Star Trek fame) entitled "Brett Ratner". The reason it was one of my favorites was because the story was eerily similar to the story Brohammer told me on our first date about the worst date he was ever on.

Brohammer and I had an amazing first date. We clicked instantly and the main reason was due to the fact we have the exact same sense of humor (and love of booze). Within the first two hours we regaled each other with tales from our raver days, stories of the stupid things our friends did while drunk, I told him my Power Exchange story, he told me his Djing adventures, and I told him a lot of tales from Dating is Miserable. Brohammer laughed and said that none of my bad dating stories could even come close to the worst date he'd ever been on. After much poking and prodding I finally convinced him to tell me. What followed was by far the craziest most horribly awkward story I have ever heard.

Brohammer went to college in Indiana. With not much to do in Indiana he often turned to the early version of what we now call "dah intrawebz" for entertainment, mainly chat rooms. One day he met a girl online who was pretty much the female version of himself. After days of talking they finally exchanged pictures and after "about 10 minutes of waiting for the picture to download" he discovered not only was she smart and funny, she was also stunningly beautiful. Brohammer immediately asked her out, she agreed, and plans were made for dinner and a movie the following Friday.

He rang the bell to her home at precisely 7:00 PM as they had agreed and stood anxiously waiting to meet his dream girl. A tad surprised doesn't even begin to sum up how shocked he was when a middle aged couple opened the door and greeted him with hugs and "Oh so YOU are Brohammer! It's so nice to finally meet you!". He was ushered into the living room where "20 minutes of the most awkward conversation I've ever experienced took place". Turns out this middle aged couple were his date's parents. "They just kept thanking me for taking her out and told me how nice I was to spend time with her. I was completely confused.". Finally, the mom called for Brohammer's date to hurry. Brohammer stared up the large staircase now no longer sure what to expect and slightly dreading what was about to come down. Which is why his jaw completely dropped when from next to the stairs rolled his date. Yes, in the course of all their conversations she had never once mentioned she was a double amputee from about the mid-thigh region and in a wheelchair.

As her parents snapped pictures and hugged their precious daughter goodbye Brohammer was stunned. "She was just as gorgeous as her picture. The wheelchair wasn't really an issue. I was just shocked. How did she not tell me?". Considering he was young, naive, and didn't really know anyone who was differently abled (PC TERM FTW) at the the time Brohammer had no idea how to handle this situation.  His inability to process the situation was amplified when he realized how awkward getting her into the car was going to be as he drove a raised pickup with the bed filled with stuff he was stupposed to drop off for a friend the following morning. I won't go into too much detail about it but let's just say he had to pick her up and struggled a lot with jamming the wheelchair behind the bench seat in his car.

After 15 minutes of driving and dead silence Brohammer's date finally spoke up, "Sorry I didn't tell you about the wheelchair. If you don't want to actually go out my parents are leaving and we can just go back to my house to watch a movie". Flashes of getting her and her wheelchair in and out of his car 3 more times flashed in his head and he decided a movie night at her house would be a better idea.

Once they arrived at her house, she suggested the go see the backyard of her house first before settling in for a movie. Brohammer rolled his date out to an amazing backyard filled with fountains, a brick walkway, and a cement bench under a gorgeous old tree. Once his date got settled on the bench she grabbed him and started kissing him. Brohammer was shocked since they hadn't really talked much and the evening had been filled with nothing but awkward. He is a guy so of course he just went with it. After a few minutes of making out and a little under the sweater action she seductively whispers to him "Put me in the tree". Brohammer was beyond confused. "Hoist me up so I can hang from the tree!".

Brohammer did as he was told and put her in the tree so she was hanging at eye level with him. Then she told him "Take off my pants". What Brohammer neglected to remember was that she was missing the part of her leg that usually gives taking pants off a bit of resistance. He tugged really hard and his date came tumbling out of the tree onto the brick. "Put me back in the tree! Put me back in the tree" she screamed. Brohammer did. "Now take off your pants!" she demanded. He did and they began to have sex. Note to Women: I will NEVER understand men.

Things were going fine after that. Sure the evening had been a little weird but to a teenage boy sex is sex. After about 10 minutes of good ol' fashioned fun his date's eyes went completely wide and she started screaming "JASON GET BACK IN THE HOUSE!!!!". Brohammer turned around just as her parents entered the backyard to find her 7 year old brother standing directly behind them. Her father started screaming and, not knowing what to do, Brohammer grabbed his pants and ran for the side gate leaving his date stuck in the tree.

He never spoke to her again.

After telling me this story I sat staring wide eyed at Brohammer.
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Of course I am. GOTCHA!!".