Keane’s: “Semantic Love” « Dating is Miserable

16Sep/0928

Keane’s: “Semantic Love” <– get it? :D

Day 1: Arthur Kade, the "Bad Boy" who really doesn't understand women.
Day 2: Kyle, the "Nice Guy" who has accepted it.
Today: Keane, the good looking "Nice Guy" who doesn't realize he's good looking or nice.

My friend Keane is everything a guy should be. He's funny, smart, sensitive, talented, an amazing friend and cute. I honestly don't know a single woman who wouldn't date Keane or who didn't have some kind of small crush on him at one point or another. He's pretty close to the perfect man......except he doesn't date. EVER. No really, EVER. In the 2 (ish) years I've known him I 've seen him have only 1 crush and go out on a grand total of 2 dates. I really don't get it.

Why I Chose Keane:
I really have no other reason for including Keane except he is amazing. Follow him on Twitter, read his blog (I highly encourage you to listen to the most recent song he posted.) , and listen to his band. Only then can you love Keane the way I do.

I watched Hitch the other night. If you haven't seen it, it's that Will Smith movie where he plays a date doctor who helps Kevin James and a bunch of other losers talk to women. I say "losers" because the film makes a deliberate attempt at caricaturing these guys as woeful in their social incompetence, as if God hath tried to smite them but didn't care to finish the job. Honestly, I think they did it so semi-awkward guys wouldn't cringe through two hours of the film any more than one would from the script alone. That wouldn't make very good theatrical entertainment for the boys of extra butter, would it? No, it wouldn't. But though the movie exaggerates (greatly), it does highlight a truth in dating - it's hard and there are no rules.

What is "game?" Technique? Confidence? Smell of lamb? Will Smith apparently had it, though it's kind of unfair as his success with women was predetermined by the plot. I wouldn't know if I had it. Not really, anyway. I'm sort of the nice guy that doesn't burden himself with thoughts on such things. (By the way, Amanda is intent on my playing the "nice guy" today.) I mean, I'm modest, a tad shy and usually pride myself on being a conscientious member of society. I've never snorted coke off a drunk hooker's bare ass and I certainly do not litter. (Storm drains empty into the ocean, you know.) But I'm in a band, I'm healthy and I can talk to cute girls without horribly messing my pants, so I'm pretty well off, I think. That is, I'm doing alright despite the fact that I don't ever date. It's, like, legendary how much I don't. And though I see the contradiction of my guest writing on a dating blog, I still think it's relevant, because I definitely spend time with women... I just don't "date."

At least I don't call it "dating." While I appreciate what it is, the notion of dating seems old-fashioned to me. I'm the type of person who tends to fall for someone I know well. When I can appreciate all the imperfections of another person as quality traits, then I know I want to be in a relationship. By this time, we've hung out so much that I wouldn't think it would be called "dating" anymore. My problem with the term "dating" is that it puts a before and after, hard definition on the relationship. While I agree it's good to make intentions perfectly clear so that both parties are operating under the same terms, the connotation and pressure of going on a "date" just makes it feel so stuffy and formal. It creates expectations. For this reason, I simply call it "hanging out." Yes, we're hanging out. It's fun, I'm getting to know you and it's true in a literal sense no matter what anyone's intentions are. Language should describe, not define. It's a gradient, really: two people, apart, then moving closer and closer until they are more together.

And as silly as the movie was, I think this underlying message of open-mindedness and freedom from convention was its true worth. It is when we learn and discover someone through a series of meaningful and authentic informalities, undefined by decorum and as limitless as life can be...

You can thank me later for the timely movie reference.

Misery loves company:

Tagged as: Advice, Dating, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Keane Leave a comment

Comments (28) Trackbacks (0) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

Rogue
September 16th, 2009 - 11:30

Question for the panel:
I’ve “hung out” with Keane before in a group setting; was it just hanging out or was it Hanging Out? How can I be certain? I want to know if I blew my chance by not recognizing it at the time.

Thanks,

Keane Lover

(p.s. Nicely done Keane!)
amanda
September 16th, 2009 - 11:37

Either way you got to look at his luscious hair……soooo win/win?
j
September 16th, 2009 - 11:49

KEANE! You’ve never snorted coke off a drunk hooker’s bare ass? Hwo can you call yourself a musician?
j
September 16th, 2009 - 11:49

…er, “how.”
Keane
September 16th, 2009 - 12:30

She was wearing lacy underwear at the time. Cleanliness is next to Godliness!
streets raden
September 16th, 2009 - 13:49

Keane,

I appreciate a lot of what you have to say here. However, some women (not all I guess, everyone’s different) actually appreciate that expectation and the fact that you would go out of your way to court her, not just treat her like any of your other friends. It makes her feel special, and making girls feel special is what they like. While you may be so awesome (and I think you’re pretty rad, this isn’t a diss) that you think just your friendly presence is enough to make a girl feel special, for many, it is not. That my friend, is called the friend zone.

Great writing though, even if I don’t 100% agree with your world view.

Oh, and nice blog Amanda.

-Jake
mr. Picklez
September 16th, 2009 - 15:33

Just to be clear this article is about how pretty and neat of a guy Keane is and has no need for tedious dating scene or even define ‘the date’ since its raining pussy for Keane everywhere he goes like in those Johnny Walker billboards?
Keane
September 16th, 2009 - 15:43

There’s rain in Johnny Walker billboards?
amanda
September 16th, 2009 - 15:52

I’m secretly trying to get Keane laid.
mr. Picklez
September 16th, 2009 - 15:55

there was one all over the city. The guy is walling with an umbrella followed by a little cloud raining on him and it says “Keep Walking”
Andy
September 16th, 2009 - 15:56

what about that really cute Andy guy?
amanda
September 16th, 2009 - 15:59

That cute Andy guy has a man and two dog children. I WILL NOT BE AN ACCOMPLICE TO A HOMEWRECKING!
Keane
September 16th, 2009 - 16:22

Jake, totally understand. And I agree with you. I think there is just a smooth gradient from treating someone like a friend and treating someone in terms of how a date is traditionally perceived. I think it’s possible to make your intentions clear in this gray zone subtly without having to formalize it.

Or maybe not.

What the hell do I know. Everybody is different
neil
September 16th, 2009 - 16:52

I like that, almost 100% of the time, when Keane writes, it seems to be more verse than prose.
suki
September 16th, 2009 - 19:28

Some people are content with the friend zone… Or they have to make a bolder move and get themselves out before it’s TOO LATE.
Lizz
September 16th, 2009 - 19:44

I like Keane’s approach–I HATE dating and the “rules of dating”. I much prefer Hanging Out–it’s way less pressure, and if nothing comes of it, it feels less dramatic. I definitely think one can make it clear that they have romantic intentions without asking someone out on a formal “date”.

Maybe I just prefer it, though, based on the fact that every relationship I’ve had has started this way. So I’m just terrible at dating, period.
stephdub
September 16th, 2009 - 20:00

lizz and keane. i whole heartedly agree. and keane, i do it the same way. there was a brief snit last summer where i figured that since i wasn’t meeting anyone using the friend hangout method i’d try a date. and well, i think i mentioned this on date night this week, there were no interested parties. a year+ later i am now confident enough to say that, nope, i still don’t date.
http://stephdub.com/2008/08/26/the-ever-awkward-date/
and, i suppose that is a topic of contention for a lady who writes a blog about dating. hmph.
<3
s
amanda
September 16th, 2009 - 20:02

I’m not denying “hanging out” is more comfortable. I’m just saying there is a higher probability of nothing happening. Without clear cut lines I go all girl crazy.
mr. Picklez
September 16th, 2009 - 22:26

well…… Keane you seem like a nice fella and you sure write purry and you obviously got some panty dropping qualities about you according to A but your post sure bored me to death.
Anygay, here is a funny link. +5 pts to those who get the south park reference:
http://i30.tinypic.com/2m44sbc.jpg
amanda
September 16th, 2009 - 23:00

Keane is awesome mr. Picklez. Play nice.
Carlos Almendarez
September 17th, 2009 - 05:20

Damn, Keane I thought for sure you had done of a model’s ass! If you haven’t done it, what hope does that leave for the rest of us?

Good article.
Keane
September 17th, 2009 - 07:34

No, Amanda. Everything mr. Picklez said is correct. And I could have included more explosions in my post. Hope this will make up for it: http://bit.ly/B43lv
Keane
September 17th, 2009 - 11:06

Thanks, Carlos. I prefer a smoother surface, honestly. The bony grooves of an anorexic model’s ass provides an uneven surface that only leads to wasted coke.
Alex D
September 17th, 2009 - 16:14

Don’t hate The Kade just because he said some very deserving things about your looks.
You can still date 6s or less. I hope you don’t mind.
Take care.
amanda
September 17th, 2009 - 16:47

Excuse me? Kade is a fucking dickwad. I don’t care what he said about my looks.

FACT: I’m not shallow
mr. Picklez
September 19th, 2009 - 11:05

@Keane Explosions and Boobs… Well played sir. Well played.
Sally
September 20th, 2009 - 13:05

So I DM’d Keane, and he re-directed me to comment here on this blog.

What I didn’t mention to Keane is that I’m not sure if I agree with “there are no rules in dating,” b/c some “rules” I quite like. And maybe these aren’t rules, so much as social norms or common practices. For instance, I am a big fan of chivalry, and definitely don’t agree with the opinion that it demeans women. I quite like when men – even my colleagues, especially the ones from back East – hold doors open for me. I love it when a guy opens my car door (becoming more rare). I like to be pursued by a man, rather than me being doing the pursuing (I’ve found with myself and my girl friends that it never works if the woman does the pursuing – call it traditional, but my friends and I have tested this theory). And I also like it when guys plan dates. I’m happy to suggest things, and plan dates later down the line, but the first few should be planned by the guy – they should pick the restaurant (based on types of food we both enjoy), they should pick the date/time, and they should make the reservation. Now, are these rules, or norms?

The other point I’m not sure I agree with Keane on is his practice of not dating. True, I too dislike dating – for all the same reasons for which Keane does. However, I wouldn’t say “I don’t date,” because I think it’s an unfortunate reality if we want to ultimately “settle down” with one of a few of our potential “soul mates”. Yes, I’m on a bit of a dating hiatus myself at present b/c I want to take some time to really get to know me (as cheesy as that may sound, it is quite true). But I know that once I’m ready, even though I *hate* dating, it’s something I’ll just have to suck up and deal with if I want to find a relationship. I think. Unless, somehow Keane really does have the “hanging out” thing figured out – maybe he found the answer?

What I will say: the part I hate most about dating (and being in the girl “role”) is that based on what I said – I think dating only works when the man pursues the woman, and that most guys want to be the pursuer, not have the woman pursue them – based on this, I find it really hard to “hang out” as Keane puts it, being the woman. There are so many expectations involved in dating, and if you want to get to know a guy – maybe not to date, just to either be friends with, or wait and see, guys have all these preconceived notions that you’re pursuing them b/c you want to either date them or have sex with them. Yes, there is a specific story to which I refer, and I’ll share it here: http://sallymaurer.wordpress.com (this comment is getting far too long)
Sally
September 25th, 2009 - 20:05

So I changed my mind. I’m not going to post my dating story to my blog b/c it was a great experience, and though it was short lived, it was sweet while it lasted, and some things are really meant to stay on the playa (@ Burning Man). All the best to everyone in their dating and/or “hanging out” adventures!