Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

More Barry White. Less Snoop Dogg.

Having sex with someone you've been dating for awhile is the final hurdle in deciding whether or not you want to seriously date them. Usually by the time I sleep with someone I know I like their personality, sense of humor, and values. All I'm looking to find out is if we have sexual chemistry in addition to clicking on all other aspects of a relationship. Since a lot can go wrong the first time you sleep with someone new I thought I would share my tips on how to make a first time sexual encounter with someone you actually give a shit about work.

1. Have a glass of wine.
Don't drink a whole bottle but a little liquid courage can help. It calms the nerves and lowers inhibitions.

2. Keep the lights off.
Everyone is nervous the first time. Darkness helps keep everyone comfortable.

3. K.I.S.S.
Keep It Super Simple. There is a time and a place to pull out the dirty kinky stuff. The first time is not it. Sure you may be able to bend yourself into knots but save that for another time. The pressure is already on enough.

4. Remember you are not in a porn.
My generation has overdosed on porn. I'm pretty sure most men I know expect the pizza delivery girl to bring, in addition to the extra large deep dish meat lovers deluxe pizza,  her french maid twin sister for a hot and horny cum drizzling all night sexcapade that ends with a donkey. Note To Men: Women don't really find the stuff they say in porn very sexy. Every time you go to say something "sexy" think about how it would sound if she repeated it to her girlfriends.
Phrases I would NOT recommend using during the first time you sleep with someone: + White Bitch + Stroke it for Daddy +Get that dick +You like when Daddy fucks you like that? +You love my dick don't you? +Girl you fucking love my cock +My cock is on you +Here is something for you to blog about

5. Unless you know, keep the violence low.
Listen, a little rough consensual sex never hurt anyone as long as you know the other person's boundaries. For example, I can't have my neck touched even in a joking non-sexual manner. I will involuntarily punch you in the face or start crying.  It stems from years of abuse as a kid and it's just my boundary. Everyone has them.
Note To Men: Never grab a woman's breast from one side, wind up as hard as you can, and bitch slap her boob like it's the ho who ain't got yo money.

6. Do not give a backhanded compliment.
If you had fun and enjoyed the encounter, say so. Do not say things like "Your body is nicer than I expected. I thought you would be tore up" or "I thought your boobs would sag more since they are so big".

As my sister put it, he needed more Barry White and less Snoop Dogg