Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

Dating Lesson #1: Make sure the keypad is locked on your phone at all times.

So while I'm attempting to pretty this up a bit I figure I might as well start it off with the story to end all stories. The story that made me realize this stuff really does only happen to me and in fact not only am I horrible at dating, I also seem to attract the crazies.

I met Chris one night at Hemlock while out with my buddy Keane. Keane and I were celebrating the completion of a weekend long recording session he had with his band. By celebrating I mean having a drink. By a drink I mean about 10....on an empty stomach. Keane and I were enjoying the eclectic mix of people that seem to frequent Hemlock. Locals, homeless people, tattooed hipsters, etc. Directly across the bar from us were two of the strangest homeless people I have ever seen. One looked like Rip Van Winkle with a glassy look in his eye that was headbanging to the music in the bar. The other was toothless and slightly less interesting than Rip Van Headbanger. Seated with the two homeless gentlemen was, from what I can remember through my Jaeger and Fernet induced haze, was a rather attractive human of the male variety.

We, me and the attractive guy not the homeless men, shamelessly made eyes at one another until Keane went to the bathroom when Hemlock Chris made his move.

"So your boyfriend left you all alone here, huh?"

Chris described himself as a 35 year old Marina dwelling investment banker who liked outdoor activities, drinking, and music. My set rule is to immediately disregard anyone who willingly lives in the Marina due to the "Look at my striped shirt. I'm a junior VP!!" mentality but I was feeling generous that night. Drinks were purchased, shots had, phone numbers exchanged and tentative plans to "hang out" were made. You can only imagine my surprise when he actually called about a week later (NOTE TO MEN: Don't wait that long) and invited me out for drinks.

We met in North Beach later that week for drinks. Considering the vast quantities of libations I had consumed the night I met him I employed the "I don't remember what he looks like so I'm going to invite one of my friends to 'coincidentally' be at the same bar I am in case I need rescuing" tactic. Thankfully, he was gorgeous. 5'11", great smile, tanned, good nose (I have a thing for interesting looking noses), nice, funny, rich, and not a complete tool. When my friend, JL, showed up with her friend Rob I was in no need for rescuing but, unfortunately, she did not get the hint and they joined us for drinks.

I love my friend JL, I really do. She's sweet with an amazing heart but.....the girl can be quite inappropriate..especially in front of men..who are good looking. Within the first 5 minutes the word cunt had been used, jokes about porn had been made, a story I didn't want told about the time I made out with JL at The Lusty Lady was divulged, and I was left feeling horribly embarrassed. Thankfully, Hemlock Chris seemed to laugh it off. After an hour or so of drinks and horrifyingly embarrassing stories Hemlock Chris and I decided to make our way to another bar for some one on one time. We sat drinking in the bar until closing and he asked me back to his place for a bottle of wine, conversation, and a mutually agreed upon sexless time.

He had alluded to the fact he kind of had money with a few stories about his family but I wasn't expecting to walk into a million dollar condo (he is in the process of selling it so I saw the realtor sheet. It was a pricey pad). We talked for a couple of hours, drank some wine, made out on his couch . Around 4:30 we decided I would stay over and we chastely, minus some under the sweater action, went to bed. The next morning I awoke to a gorgeous man telling me he was going to the gym with his friend Jafar then to work but I should stay in his huge king sized bed with bazillion thread count sheets with tea and get a couple more hours of sleep. I could get used to that.

I was awoken about 20 minutes later by my cell phone ringing. It was Hemlock Chris calling but I missed the call by seconds. 2o minutes after that my voicemail indicator went off and I was greeted with the following voicemail.

http://datingismiserable.com/media/congratulationsyouareadouche.wav

While discussing our date with his friend Jafar his cell phone accidentally called me as I am frequently the first person in many of my friend's address books. Since the file is a little hard to hear and cut from 10 minutes down to 2 and some change I present you with the transcript of the voicemail:

Hemlock Chris:Not terribly no. But her friend.
Jafar: I didn't know she had friends mother fucker!
Hemlock Chris: Yup. Her friend was a whore. Her friend was hot as fuck and is a whore
Jafar: So she tagged along
Hemlock Chris: No we ran into her
Jafar: She got laid too?
Hemlock Chris: Probably just somewhere else. She was with 5 dudes when we left
Jafar: Wait is that what we call a 3 some.
Hemlock Chris: No a sectsom
Both: -laugh-
Hemlock Chris: WHORE
Jafar: Uh shit bro. Where did you end up going?
Hemlock Chris: We met at Amante.
[something]
Hemlock Chris: Some bar over in fucking North Beach.
Jafar: WHORE
Hemlock Chris: WHORE. Fuck! I'm going to try to get with the whore friend if I can.
[Pause]
She is actually very nice I liked her a lot. She's young dude. 23!
Both: -laugh-
Hemlock Chris: Her friend was 22!

Needless to say I busted his ass and got a string of long apologetic phone calls and text messages with a promise of dinner to make up for his "guy talk". I figure he owes me a nice dinner then I'm out!