Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

1. 

   Cheri
   March 8th, 2010 - 19:28

   This happened on Saturday.
   This guy that I’m into? Great dude. Doesn’t really drink often, doesn’t do drugs, knows how to make me laugh, has a GINORMOUS penis, and is pretty much awesome in general. So I’ve got the magnum condoms stocked, I take him out to meet a few of my friends, and we’re all having a ball. They all like him. Everyone approves. He’s acting like a complete gentleman.

   But when we get back to his place, the alcohol that we’ve consumed throughout the night begins to catch up with him. So here I am, horny as hell with my magnums, ready for a bone, but he’s in bed shaking. Convulsing. Gagging.

   I’m like, “ARE YOU OKAY!?”
   He goes, “No.”
   It’s freaking me out.
   He begins to vomit on himself.
   Oh god, gross. I can smell it.

   But I rub his back and tell him I’m going to grab some water. So I do that. But he doesn’t drink it. And then I move him to the floor in an attempt to get him to his restroom so he can puke THERE. And he vomits on the FLOOR too. Oh god.

   Not a great impression, honestly. :/
   So I pass out in bed while he’s in the restroom puking, and when I wake up, his vomit-covered self is in bed with me, snuggled into my expensive dress, drooling all over it. Terrific. Rofl.
2. 

   Holly
   March 8th, 2010 - 20:34

   A year ago I went to Disneyland on a blind date. Worst idea ever. Usually the long lines are tolerable because you can chat with your party. The guy I was with had apparently never had a conversation in his life because he would answer my questions and then not say another word. I’m convinced he didn’t even know my name.
   But his lack of basic social skills wasn’t the worst part.
   He made me sit through this honkey tonk, hillbilly show I was very clear I didn’t want to see. And then he left me there to go get food for himself because I wasn’t hungry. 20 minutes into the banjo picking redneck song show he returns with the largest piece of chocolate cake ever and puts it into my lap and says he bought it for me. Now when I say it was a big piece of cake it literally was a big piece of chocolate cake. It was comparable in size to a football. And when I told him I wasn’t going to eat it he started yelling at me in front of everyone calling me ungrateful and selfish. The children at the table next to us were giggling at his outburst. Security (which I didn’t even know Disneyland had) ended up coming over and escorting him out and I was left sitting there by myself, with an audience full of people staring at me and the football sized piece of chocolate cake in my lap.
   And I haven’t eat chocolate cake since.
3. 

   Allie
   March 8th, 2010 - 22:03

   This is a story about the worst second date of me life. The first date went surprisingly well. After waiting the standard two days, Gumby (that’s the guy) called and asked if I’d accompany him to a Lakers playoff game later in the week, and well of course I said OK. Gumby called while he was on his way and asked if I would be down to drive to the game as he wanted to drink–what I imagined would be quite a bit. I agreed although I thought that maybe if you’re a little bit of a drinker, perhaps you could curb your drinking tendencies for a second date right? Too much to ask? Be that as it may, I wanted to go to the game and didn’t care if I had to drive.

   When he arrived at my house he told me he needed to put a cooler in my car, the naive girl in me thought to myself, “well, maybe we’re meeting some people there and he brought drinks.” Nope. I soon realized how very wrong I was. We arrived in the parking lot across from the Staples Center, Gumby busted open the cooler, pulled out a bottle of Don Julio Anejo along with a plastic cup, poured himself a glass and chugged. Um really? That’s like 6-8 shots. Then, he pulled out a Stella, offered me a Heineken (gee thanks), and chugged. He drank another beer, and decided that was enough so off to the game we were. During the game, Gumby indulged in not 1 beer, not 2 beers, but another 4 beers. Homeboy drank so much he passed out during the last quarter of the game. Thats right, he fell asleep during a Lakers playoff game (a game that started at NOON mind you) and we ended up on the jumbo screen, where the entire stadium proceeded to laugh hysterically. I kid you not.

   After seeing the Lakers win, I woke up my date and we begin to walk out tot he car. I drove us back to good ol’ Venice but realized that I couldn’t let Gumby drive home, he was trashed, and not that I cared too much about his well being at that particular moment in time, but I did care about the other people on the road. I suggested to him that maybe we should get a bite to eat, you know, something porous as to sop up all the alcohol. I drove us over to The Counter (lesson learned: never take a horribly drunk man that you have no intentions of ever seeing again to a restaurant that you loooooooove and go to pretty frequently). We sit down and I suggest to Gumby that he drinks some water. Not only did the man chug a glass of water so fast that it dribbled down the sides of his mouth, but he then proceeded to shoot his water out at me through his teeth like a fucking fountain. Um really? I got up from the table, told him I was going to the bathroom and when I returned, I told him I expected his mouth to be empty.

   I walked into the bathroom, cell phone in hand, and called my friend Jessica and asked what to do. She told me to leave his ass there and as much fun as that would have been, I knew he’d figure out a way to get back to my house (his car was parked out in front…yet another lesson learned) and I didn’t know what he would do once he got there, so that option was out. I decided it was best to just get through lunch and make sure he sobered up before I was going to bid him farewell. I came out of the bathroom and I see him dipping his fries in the ketchup sitting on a plate at the table next to us where people had just left!!!! EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW. We ate our food, then the bill came and he asked to “go splitsies” I said “fuck no,” he paid, I took him to his car and that was that.

   Later that week I opened the door of my house to find a bag with a 36 pack of condoms inside along with a note reading “had a blast with you, I’ll call you later this week and we can start going through these.”

   Yeah, let’s get right on that.
4. 

   amanda
   March 9th, 2010 - 11:09

   Oh man. You 3 have set the bar incredibly high. These stories are HORRIBLE!
5. 

   Rogue
   March 9th, 2010 - 11:49

   I was going to leave a story but I’ve been outdone. I’ll just slink back out the way I came in. . . .
6. 

   amanda
   March 9th, 2010 - 12:05

   Rogue I still want to hear it!
7. 

   Lizz
   March 9th, 2010 - 13:39

   Mine is not nearly as horrible as these other few, but I’ll tell you mine because it has an especially bizarre note to it.

   The spring before I moved to the Bay Area was a really tough one. I was still living in Davis, there had been a death in my family, and the same week of that death, I moved out of the apartment I shared with my ex-boyfriend (we lived together as exes for three months…happy, right?). When my ex and I had broken up, our group of friends was completely shattered (we seemed to be at the core of it), and things were really weird for the bunch of us. There was all kind of confused loyalties, lots of residual anger, etc.

   So, I felt pretty lonely, and while I’d tried to make some friends, it was hard since I wasn’t in school, and most of the other people I knew (coworkers) were not really into becoming BFFs (not that I can blame them–girl, I was a hot mess). Where did I turn? OKCupid, of course.

   So one day I start chatting with this guy who seems cute and nice–I wasn’t specifically looking to date anyone, but I was open to the idea, and we seemed to hit it off on IM. He had glasses and kind of messy hair, and his photos were relatively normal (photos with friends, photos of him smiling, etc). He did have one photo in drag (dressed up like schoolgirl), that we joked about–I figured that hey, maybe he lost a bet or it was taken on Halloween, especially since his pose and the lighting in the photo were so dramatic it was hilarious.

   We agree to meet for coffee late one night–we’d discussed our issues with insomnia ad nauseum, so we thought it would be an appropriate first hang out. I made sure I looked good, and went over to meet him at a cafe near campus.

   I sat myself down on a small set of cement stairs near the parking lot to wait for him (er…don’t ask why–nineteen and was even more awkward than I am now). He drives up and parks his car. He gets out of the car and it’s pretty dark, so I can barely see him. He steps into the light and…

   He’s wearing

   a plastic

   sailor moon outfit.

   A PLASTIC SAILOR MOON OUTFIT.

   With a tiny backpack that looks like this: http://www.google.com/products?show=li&q=girl%27s+mini+backpack&spell=1&oi=spell

   Now, this man was not a thin man–he was actually a little on the chubbier side and hairy. And the costume was, um, small.

   Of course, my reaction was something like, “UM, HELLO THERE,” and I think I made some comment about thinking that he was not, you know, serious. We talked about it (fifteen minutes of me saying, “so, we can go to coffee, but you do realize that I’m not into this, right? THAT, with THAT…not happening.”) and ended up going to coffee after all.

   That was the most horrible part of the date. He actually turned out to be a nice guy–he was just super lonely, socially awkward, and didn’t have anyone to talk to about his…sailor moon fetish (is it even a fetish if he was ok with it being non-sexual? he just wanted someone to accept him in his “most comfortable state” and didn’t come on to me at all). We didn’t hang out again after that, but coffee was not bad.

   But, needless to say, I’ve yet to meet someone who has had such a big surprise on a date. OKCupid: Good for the lulz.
8. 

   Jessica
   March 9th, 2010 - 23:16

   Not sure if this counts as a “date” but I dated this real gem in college (Amanda…remember josh?) who one night proceeded to lay down on the floor (sans pants) and try to blow himself infront of a group of my friends. If I learned one thing in college, it was the meaning of the words “red flag.”
9. 

   Briony
   March 10th, 2010 - 07:10

   My worst date didn’t even end up being a date it was just the worst lead up to a date ever.

   I met this guy on an Aussie dating site and we’d been chatting for quite a few weeks. His only picture was a head shot and he seemed cute – quirky but cute and he had his body type as athletic. And exaggerations I know are common.

   So we’d be chatting via the messenger for a few weeks and he seemed hesistant to meet me which I put down to shyness. I was new to the dating site (and newly single) so I wasn’t in a rush either. But we set a date to finally meet – in about a weeks time on a Saturday afternoon.

   On the Wednesday night we were doing the online chat thang when he decided there was something he wanted to tell me that he thought “I Should Know” (that should have been my indication to run). His news – he had lost a testicle through illness a few years before and therefore wasnt sure if he could be a father. Being not-so-convinced that I should breed either I shrugged it off and said that didn’t worry me.

   On the Thursday night we were chatting again and he said that has he was appreciative that I had been so accepting of his situation the night before he also wanted me to know that he had a condition that meant he may be fully blind in about 15 years time. I thought about it (and the success I had had on previous dates) and decided that 15 years was a long time away and he might not enjoy even 15 minutes with me after we’d met so I told him it was ok. In my mind I was thinking I felt like I needed some kind of First Aid Certificate to date him.

   On the Friday night I gave up plans to go out with the girls (fearing a dreadful Saturday hangover) and decided it best to stay home and get an early night ahead of the big date. I jumped online before I went to bed and he was on there – suprise suprise with something else he wanted to tell me. This time his revelation was that he had Cerebral Palsy and was confined to a wheelchair!! I was floored – nothing in his profile gave that away! I was honest with him and said that was going to be a problem for me and we called off the date. I might sound shallow but we’d been talking for weeks and he talked about all the “active” things he loved to do – and most of it was lies. I noticed recently he still has his dating profile up – still the headshot photo – and still nothing about his conditions.

   So there is the tale of my almost woeful date with the man who has come to be known amongst my friends as “One Ball-sy Palsy”
10. 

    Jimmy
    March 10th, 2010 - 20:58

    Gather round, for I have not one, but two tales of woe and misery.

    Now first off, I am a straight male with a college education, a job, a car, no criminal record, who still believes in chivalry, paying for the date, and isn’t from the Marina and doesn’t wear skinny jeans. That would essentially make me as rare as a ninja pirate riding a flying unicorn dragon and probably make me extremely desirable if it weren’t for the fact I’m an asian male and kind of cynical but I digress.

    Now date #1 was a crazy blind date from crazyblinddate.com. She claimed to be blonde, skinny, and college educated. Even with an open mind, I was at least hoping she was truthful on at least one of those facts. Yes, she was not blonde, not skinny (not a deal breaker), and after some prodding, it turned out her college education was a few classes at community college. Of course, I went in this with an open mind so I stuck it out. Somehow I lasted 40 minutes in what was one of the most awkward conversations ever. Tried talking about books, movies, music, hobbies, and was met with one liner responses. Lots of nervous awkward laughter ensued from my end. After 40 minutes, I had to go feed the meter for my car and even asked her if she wanted to come with me and maybe take a walk to Dolores Park. Her response was “naw, I’ll stay.” and my response was to go to my car and drive very fast away from there.

    Date #2 was someone I had a crush on from high school who found me on Facebook. We reconnect, we go out, we have a nice dinner, we decide to do it again soon. Second date fizzles; an hour before she was sposed to show up, she calls and claims her friends from out of town showed up randomly and asked to reschedule. She told me to call on tuesday or thursday. I call tuesday, no answer. I call thursday, she apparently forgot she was going to see Wicked (how anyone forgets they’re sposed to see a broadway show is beyond me). I call friday to see if she’s unbusy, and a rather angry and annoyed man answers the phone.

    So those are the tales of the very eligible non douchie straight gainfully employed witty asian male who gets rejected by half the women living in SF, cheers.
11. 

    Me
    March 11th, 2010 - 09:23

    Well Jimmy, at least it hasn’t made you bitter.
12. 

    Lizz
    March 14th, 2010 - 20:45

    When do we found out the winner(s)?
13. 

    amanda
    March 14th, 2010 - 23:20

    tomorrow!

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