Dating is Miserable but it’ll get you laid

And they called it puppy love

My first genuine soul exposing crush was Eddie Haas. Eddie was tall, dark haired, blue eyed, sweet, and went to my church. His locker was next to mine and seeing him twice a day, once in the morning and once at the end of the school day, sent me into a pre-pubescent tailspin which can not be compared to any drug on the planet. One day I managed to brave my fears and asked him to THE dance. True to the rest of my dating adventures, he laughed in my face and told me 7th graders don't date 5th graders.

This marks the first and last time I asked a male out.

I am currently in the middle of my second soul wrenching, stomaching churning, heart pumping crush. I believe I drunkenly described my feelings as "I just want to sit on a couch and hold hands. That's it. Holding hands would be enough.". Recently, his friend informed me she couldn't wait to introduce him to her single girlfriends since he was such an amazing guy. I swear in that moment I turned into a combination Incredible Hulk and Wolverine. My claws were bared, my eyes flared red, and I was more prepared for battle than Gerald Butler after 300 boot camp.

Crushes you know won't go anywhere are brutal.

By the way the last, and final, time I was at my mother's house in Jonesborough, Tennessee my mother tried to set me up with Eddie Haas. He is now the manager of the nearby Piggly Wiggly.