I really liked you when I first met you. I found you interesting, funny, charismatic, and you genuinely seemed to make those around you happy. So I liked you too.

That is not the case anymore.

Slowly but surely you have completely worn away any positive feelings I held for you and withered me down to something that borders on loathing.

The first realization that you may quite possibly be the shadiest person on the planet came when I discovered that blog about you. The blog where a group of people you emotionally manipulated for years banded together and collectively told their story about how deceiving you were. I sincerely tried to chalk it up to you being a different person at a different time. I repeatedly told myself that people change and you were working through your issues. That website had nothing to do with me, you, FirstName LastName, or our acquaintanceship.

Next came when I realized you practically regarded FirstName LastName the way a dog regards a chew toy - something there for your amusement. Remember when FirstName Last Name was going through a hard time? He had quite a few deaths in the family followed by his mother getting in a serious accident. To my knowledge you barely contacted him to make sure he was okay, despite the fact he has listened to years of your bullshit, because you were out "finding yourself" .

And your, now ex, girlfriend? Don't even get me started how you have emotionally drained her. You disregarded her feelings, lied, manipulated, and just plan treated her like crap. I assure you she will be in FirstName LastName and my life long after I have eradicated you from it.

Then yesterday, FirstName LastName confided in you that we were having some problems and things have been a little draining lately. Were you supportive? No. Did you offer him relationship advice or tools to help him communicate? No. Did you simply say "hey man that sucks!"? No. Instead, you told him to dump me and to do "what is easy and feels good".

But, who am I to judge if you haven't mastered the nuances of relationships, or treat people poorly due to your own insecurity, or even give poor advice? Surprisingly most of the above WAS forgivable.  That was until yesterday.

Yesterday when you said something so unbelievable, so unforgivable, so horrible I no longer respect you as an organism.

Yesterday you became dead to me.

Yesterday all your sins manifested into one great pile of excrement that made it bundantly clear that I can no longer tolerate you in my life.

YESTERDAY I FOUND OUT YOU CALLED MY DOG 'MEAN LOOKING' !

I do understand my dog is part pitbull and pitbulls are notorious for being aggressive BUT this part pitbull is the sweetest thing on the planet. I decided to jump on him last night -for fun- while he was sleeping to get his reaction. Do you know what this 'mean looking' dog did? He curled up on my lap and allowed me to squeeze him like the Abominable Snowman and take goofy pictures.

My dog is the sweetest dog on the planet and you are a tool for calling him 'mean looking'.  You do not talk poorly of a sweet, loving, adorable creature that can't defend itself. Talk shit about me, treat my boyfriend badly, disregard your (ex) girlfriend's feelings as much as possible but never say one word against my dog.

You are officially the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum to me.

Sincerely,

Amanda

It didn't go exactly as I planned.

Hippos create a sort of excrement fan with their tail and publicly shit themselves in front of their intended. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites they, literally, sword fight with their penises to decide who has to 'be the girl'. White-Fronted Parrots lock beaks in anticipation of coitus and then proceed to vomit back and forth into each other's mouthes. A female giraffe urinates into a male giraffe's mouth  to determine whether or not they are compatible mates.

Current human dating rituals, especially in San Francisco, are as equally bizarre and disgusting. If you sleep with a person too soon you are an undateable skank but if you wait too long you're a prude.  If you call too soon you're needy but if you wait you don't seem interested. It's all exhausting.

Take a buddy of mine that I hung out with last night, he's been out on a few dates with this girl (the last being on Saturday) who randomly texted him around 9 PM, while we were hanging out with his roommate.

"Hola [name]! R U still up?".

Now let me state I already do not approve of this girl, in this day and age of full keyboards on phones and unlimited text messages I find using abbreviations like R for are and U for you to be a completely unforgivable faux pas. I assure you 99% of my texts have the correct fully spelled out usage of their/there/they're and you're/your. The rest is either a horrible typo or I'm drunk.

Anyway, he responded within two minutes with

"Out with my roommate. At [bar]".

The girl did not respond for over 20 minutes. At this point my friend's roommate and I had pressured him into telling us everything about the girl and we realized she had violated quite a few modern dating etiquette rules.

1. The fake wallet grab.
It may be archaic but I really believe in the heterosexual dating situation the guy should pay for the first date.  The girl should absolutely take her wallet out of her bag and/or offer to pay for some portion of the meal, drinks, etc even if she really has no intention of doing so.
Sidebar: In the event of a man paying for dinner the woman should suggest getting drinks and insist on paying for the first round as a thank you for dinner. It's just polite.
- My friend's girl had never even  faked a wallet grab or offered to pay for a thing in the course of 3 dates.

2. Be affectionate
If you have been out with a person a few times and are interested in pursuing even a friendship I think it is important to show some level of affection. When Hot Dad jumped back about 6 feet when I attempted to hug him hello on our second date I was baffled and should have taken it as a sign. I think it is an easy indicator of your intentions.
- My friend's girl hasn't even tried to touch him in any way and immediately bolts when they say their goodbyes.

3. She has a myspace page.
- She calls herself a model and has a myspace page dedicated to it. Her pictures are mainly photos taken by a friend of her's who is a complete amateur. He labels most of his photos (of chicks in lingerie) 'iN dA rOoM'.

4. She has a tribal tramp stamp.

So anyway, my friend's roommate and I were in hysterics by the time she texted him back with

"I'm at [restaurant she works at]"

5. Don't booty call before you've had proper first time sex.
Sadly, this wasn't a booty call. She had actually done this to him before. Texted him late at night, invited him to her work, where he bought her drinks all night when she got off, and then they parted ways without so much as a playful knock on the chin.

Since my friend had no intention of leaving the 2 block radius we were in he texted her back,

"Cool. We're going to be in my hood tonight"

as a casual way of saying "I'm not leaving where I am but you are free to come out".

Of course she ceased all communication with him.

As I told him this morning via text

I hope we didn't give you too much shit last night. You know I love you and want you to be with someone who will treat you right. I have high standards for my [embarassing nickname]...even if I'm the lowest standard you have. Move that magnificent face on to the next victim.

And on the subject of mating rituals. There is one I will NEVER understand.

Or so I thought.

I woke up to this text this morning.

I have yet to respond and I'm unsure if I'm going to. I am beyond happy for him that his health is on the upswing but I'm completely confused as to why he decided to contact me about it.

MEN!

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FirstName LastName and I finally had it out over the weekend. We've been having some major tension lately about our communication and the way he speaks to me. I finally found an analogy that summed it up fairly well but unfortunately I could not convey it accurately while drunk to him so I guess I will share it here you guys:

One of the more interesting facts I learned from Producer Man is that the television show Friends was originally written to be entirely revolved around Monica instead of the ensemble cast we all know and love. You can find evidence in this by looking at the character dynamic. Ross is MONICA'S brother. Chandler and Joey live across the hall from MONICA. Rachel was MONICA'S friend in high school. Phoebe and MONICA used to be roommates.

Okay..that really has nothing to do with my analogy but I do think it's a fun fact.

My real point is this, Friends had a "tribe' mentality. The thing I loved most about the show, and identified with, is it seemed like no one was ever alone. There were constantly people around and no matter what bind you got yourself into there was always somewhere there to help you out.

Problem # 1 - FirstName LastName is a lone wolf.

You could also always tell whether or not romantic relationships were going to work out on Friends by how little disturbance there was in the force. Julie was never going to last because she caused a rift between Ross and Rachel. Ditto with Emily. Janis annoyed everyone and therefore was never going to be a long term person. David wasn't going to survive as it would have meant Phoebe going to Minsk. Even the Joey and Rachel plot was doomed to failure because so many people IN THE GROUP had a problem with it.

Yet, everyone loved Richard and I think, as an audience, everyone almost expected it to work out, Chandler and Monica made it as a couple because it caused the group the least amount of stress (ditto on Rachel and Ross), and Mike was always welcomed to the group so it was no surprise when he married Phoeobe.

Joey is just a man whore.

Problem # 2 - FirstName LastName causes disturbances in my tribe on a fairly regular basis.

Problem # 3 - (that is totally unrelated to Friends) We do not communicate on the same level. Ex: He said this weekend 'I need my space today' so I packed up  my stuff and loaded it in the car assuming when we headed back to the city to run an errand I'd just go to my house. When he saw my bags he completely flipped and couldn't figure out why I was leaving. By 'I need my space today' he meant 'I'm going to probably go on a bike ride and visit a friend and then have dinner at my house later with you' not 'leave'.

So anyway, we yelled, screamed, and talked and I think things are on good path but we'll see. I think I need to spend more alone time with my tribe, I think he needs to develop more of a tribe of his own, I think I need to be more patient, and I think he needs to think about what he says before he says it.

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So after the serious talk and things being better, WE GOT A DOG!

He is a 10 month old pit bull, basenji, fox hound, terrier mix (aka mutt) and he is the sweetest dog on the planet. He officially becomes ours (well technically FirstName LastName's but WHATEVER) on Thursday after he has his little balls snipped off.

I also told FirstName LastName if he didn't clean up his act I'd send him in for the same procedure.

So our next step is a name. The rescue we got him through (which is AMAZING if you live in SF and are looking for a dog)  named him Neo, which FirstName  LastName and I both hate. We don't want too much confusion since he's already been through a few transitions lately so the best name we could come up with that kinda sounds like Neo is Ned.

I actually LOVE the name Ned. Ned is the Pie Maker on Pushing Daisies (one of my all time favorite shows) and Ned Flanders is one of the greatest Simpsons characters of all time but I'm not sure I'm set on the name yet.

Anyone have any good name ideas? Suggestions welcome!

He is currently in town and I've spent the last few weeks cleaning up viruses from various porn sites. Today, after finding the hundredth round of gay porn ON HIS MOTHER'S COMPUTER, I decided to FINALLY tell him that if he looks at porn again I will tell his mother AND show her the in depth file I've been keeping of all the images and movies he's downloaded.

I then decided to have some MS Paint fun!

Ahhhh you can almost hear the cocoNUTS dropping from the tree.

If only he hadn't tried the iced tea. IT'S ALWAYS THE ICED TEA

A whole new meaning to doggy style

This one I have no reason for. It's horrible

Yogi Bear on chat roulette:

Then I really did cry when I realized the woman in the video is Hot Dad's ex-wife.

Anyway, the video is really funny and you should watch it.

Anyway, FirstName LastName and I went away for a bit for his birthday. It was a bit of a rough trip since he wasn't feeling too hot and neglected to really give me the full details of how bad he was feeling until the end but , despite my best efforts of throwing him out of a plane, we both managed to survive. It was a relaxing trip of sitting by the pool and napping.

I need another one immediately.

Now I present to you The Good, The Bad, & The Funny.

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THE GOOD

My ex got fat!! This wouldn't be such a fantastic thing if he didn't constantly harp on me about how "unhealthy" I was (I didn't like to go to the gym and he went once a week or every other week or so)

me: I just love the fact all my exes used to call me fat. Almost every last  of them has thought of me as fat. I'm the only one who has maintained a fairly normal weight. wtf is that about? SERIOUSLY
Friend: btw
you aren't fat, you're just big boned
me: I hate you so much
it's just @myb00bs
and my love of bacon

POLL: On a scale of Ghandi to Paris Hilton, how shallow am I for being happy an evil ex got fat?

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THE BAD
FirstName LastName and I are really struggling to communicate on the same level. We both express ourselves in completely different ways and interact with people on completely "not even on the same playing field" levels. I feel like we're in a bit of a struggle now.
For Example:
1) I ask him why he likes me and his response is "because I like spending time with you". To him I believe how much time he spends with someone is the biggest signifier of his feelings. To me all I hear is "I have no idea. I just have fun with you".
If he asked me the same question I'd say: "Because you're smart and caring and funny and different than I am but in a challenging exciting way and good looking and sweet and you think I'm funny."

2) We share google calendars. He saw I was going to Gold Club for their $5 lunch buffet with some friends and suddenly on his calendar is the Sugar Booty Pageant, which he is attending tonight.  Even though he SWEARS his friend bought the tickets and he had no prior knowledge, I can't help but think it was some vindictive move....especially after I found out he thought the Gold Club was MALE strippers.

When I saw the Sugar Booty Pageant on his calendar I immediately was like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

Two very different ways of communicating.
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THE FUNNY
Graphjam posted the below graph on 'Things To Say During Sex' yesterday. You must absolutely click to see all of it in its most pure genius form.

AND OF COURSE WE'RE OUT. We drank the last of it when we made tacos the other night.

I didn't want to open up any of the wine and we're out of sake so I started scrounging around his condo for something that resembled an alcoholic beverage.

And I found the makings of a vanilla rice milk white russian.

Not sure quite what to make of that.