Dating is Miserable

There are some people you don’t even question why they are single. Take this guy for example over at http://www.findingmygoddess.com.

You must go read it right now. My favorite excerpts:

As you read my message, you might conclude that I have an over-inflated ego and that, rather than following “divine guidance,” I should instead work on “getting over myself”—and, indeed, given the expansiveness of my message, that would be a very “normal” reaction for you to have.

If she has been a prostitute, that is GOOD!! We can discuss it at length. I have written a book (not yet published) entitled, Resurrecting the Innocence in Prostitutes. Fascinating topic! And it’s an important part of my Global Vision.

His website is a crappy HTML thing but…..
I am on the brink of a large-scale financial success that many people believe will escalate me, over the next decade, from member of the middle class—to billionaire. I am the inventor and developer of, and control the majority interest in, a patented new technology that numerous well-credentialed experts agree can, quite literally, re-define the entire computer industry. We need about one more year to complete implementation of our first product release (hopefully in early 2010), and then the computing paradigm will begin to shift…. people will start thinking about information and utilizing computers in a whole new way that greatly EMPOWERS them. This will shake the foundation of a nearly trillion-dollar industry (computer hardware, software and information technologies, including the Internet).

Sometimes when you’re actually out doing the thing you blog about you forget to blog about it. Oops my bad.

Things with Brohammer are going rather well. We finally had “the talk” and it seems we are on the same page. Both of us just got out of relationships when we met. Neither were expecting to meet someone we liked so quickly. Both are interested in seeing where it goes. So things are happy on my end.  He’s great. I’m all hearts, puppies, rainbows, unicorns, and kittens about him.

</mushy stuff>

So now I’m on to more  interesting and thought provoking issues. How do you make a relationship happy, communicative, healthy, and interesting?

After years of my friend Victoria yelling at me, I realized I’ve been a doormat in most of my past relationships. I’ve put up with a lot of lying, cheating, omission, drug use, etc because I didn’t want to cause waves. I was called crazy so many times in my first relationships when voicing my opinion  that I started letting things bottle up. When I finally did talk about the issues I did sounded (and felt) crazy.

This time around I’m not doing any of that. So far I’ve expressed my concerns and everything I’ve said has been well received and discussed. Like I said, hearts, puppies, rainbows, unicorns, and kittens.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the really good realtionships my friends and family have and the advice I’ve received from them. I have narrowed down the best advice to 3 things that I thought I would share.

1. Friend Night
An old co-worker of mine has been friends with her husband since they were kids. They got married when she was 17 and he was 18. She was pregnant 2 months later. They have a bunch of kids, are nearing their 40s, and are one of the happiest stable couples I’ve ever met despite their ups and downs. I once asked her their secret to their success.

“We have friend night. We go out to dinner as friends not spouses. We talk about our spouse the way we would to any one of our friends. I complain that my husband isn’t taking out the trash or he’s not listening enough. He offers advice as a friend, not my husband.  It really helps us put our issues on the table without judgment. ”

2. Porn & Tequila Day
My friend Liz and her boyfriend set aside one day a month where they drink a bottle of tequila, watch porn, and have sex all day.

3. The Five Love Languages
I had an old roommate who wanted to be a marriage counselor. She was constantly forcing me to read books about love, marriage, and relationships to get an opinion on what I thought was trash and what I liked. The one book I actually took something from was The Five Love Languages.  Once you extract all the God out of the book it is really stupidly brilliant. Everyone feels and expresses love in different ways. You have to find the right balance. I realize it sounds stupid but it really is full of good advice.

So what is your best relationship advice?

I can live with your baggage, as long as you try not to unpack it.
- Taylor Wethersby, Eli Stone

It’s not my place to judge other people’s relationships at all ….BUT it’s my blog so I’ll allow it.

A guy I used to date posted a picture of him and a girl cuddled up in bed sleeping. This normally wouldn’t be an issue but at first glance I was 90% sure the girl was not his girlfriend. Several people asked the same question aloud. Not that it is anyone’s business since my ex and his girlfriend have an open relationship. Which is what I totally don’t understand. The ex in question and I broke up due to his inability to ever fully commit to anyone and his desire to always leave his options open. (Btw the girl was his girlfriend. The picture was just at a weird angle) I just don’t think I could ever do an open relationship. I think my Friend said it best when they said:

Me: How do people do open relationships?
Friend I couldn’t
I’m territorial
I’m not even as bad as I used to be
but only half kidding when I threaten to pee on [partner]
me: ahahah I hear that
I don’t share
right now I’m agonizing over whether Brohammer and I are exclusive
I don’t want to see anyone else
and I’d be weirded out if he is seeing other people
but I don’t have the balls to be like..”so dude…your dick belongs to me, k?”
Friend: well, here’s what you do: bite his neck and growl, “BROHAMMAH, YOU ARE MAAAAAAAAHNE”
he won’t be able to resist
you’re protecting him from other women
gently explain to him that the other women will hunt and kill him unless he is YOUR human

In other news: My friends and I need to stop watching so much True Blood.
In other other news:
Times I almost brought up the exclusivity question last night: 4
Times I actually asked: 0

I just received this message in my Yelp inbox.

I just wanted to say you and your husband look great together. I’m always intrigued by the white and asian relationships that turn out good.

It was in response to this picture of me and my friend Keane I have posted on my yelp profile with a caption reading “I want to have faux babies with my faux husband“.

faux

–adjective artificial or imitation; fake: a brooch with faux pearls.

Source

Someone actually used a good pick up line.

Me: - walking down the street holding a Bed Bath & Beyond bag -
Him : Is there a Bed Bath & Beyond around here?
Me: 9th and Bryant or Harrison. Next to Trader Joe’s.
Him : Cool. Thanks. Um can I get your number in case I can’t find it or want to take you to dinner?
Me: If I wasn’t seeing someone absolutely. That was the best pick up line ever.

Since my bosses are out of town today I’m taking full advantage of being able to reorganize things and watch tv. For whatever reason I decided to watch Season 2 of The Pick Up Artist and cruise craigslist. If you don’t know I love craigslist.org. There is nothing funnier than the Men for Women section of craigslist. The ads are so ridiculous there is no way they could ever possibly be true.

Just as Mystery was teaching the boys how to insult a woman (aka “a neg” ) to get their interest I stumbled up on this ad. You can read the entire thing but the highlights are:

+ i won’t cheat on you even though i’m still friends with my ex-girlfriend and think about her when i jerk-off sometimes

+ now you can stop bitching about the following:
1. “all the decent men in san francisco are gay!”
2. “the guys who hit on me are creepy scum-bags!”
3. “does ‘good vibrations’ have a stronger battery for this thing?”
4. “when i die and go to hell i’ll probably still be single…”

+ you- hot-respectable-savvy-young-women-who-fail-to-acknowledge-me-on-the-street-‘cause-you’re-busy-talking-on-your-cell-phone-or-listening-to-your-headphones-while-ignoring-everyone-around-you i am here! even though i’m cooler, more intelligent, and in far superior shape than you… i’ll still date you… and like it.

I’m tempted to e-mail this guy to find out if he really thinks this will work.

Note To Men: Insulting us really doesn’t work

Friend: I am not really sure there is such a thing as too much sex. I’m the person with a 5 year LONG DISTANCE ex… and nothing regular in between… it’s sort of like an amusement park ride with unlimited tickets. thrills! chills! spills! all this and more

I received this e-mail the other day. I have no idea what provoked it or who this guy is but it brought the lulz.

Listen I will soon be 65 and I am running out of time.  I live alone and am divorced.  I want a woman in my life who is extremely large busted, short and uninhibited.  Any legit responses will be greatly appreciated.  This has been my lifelong dream, I need results immediately.

Britt Pontiff